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Reading Excuses / Re: Dec 21 - lethalfalcon - Mortal Divinity - Prologue - Pillar of Light
« on: December 26, 2009, 07:45:26 PM »
My biggest problem with this piece is while most of it was technically fine, it felt a little lifeless. Some passiveness and very little emotion. Characters were a bit flat, dialogue was especially awkward and I don't feel any connection to them. Not a lot of tension because you are not explaining the situation at all (nothing to anticipate which you need for any kind of suspense) and your narrative pace seems leisurely. It just felt very glazed over. Cynic is right about needing to show rather than tell the interactions using direct quotes.
And when they see the guy in the tower, they just attack. I don't even see a lot of provocation besides that he is obviously trespassing. I mean, some explanation/motivation/tension and a lot of other things could easily be accomplished just by letting them shout at each other for awhile. Show me why what he is doing is so important.
You do need to tell us who Aliese's father is for any of her transitional thoughts and connection to him to make since. She may not think of him by name, but you might be able to work in his position. Or if he knows he is about to die, it would make since that he would think of his family and her by name.
So, while there are improvements here, my overall critique is going to be exactly the same as last time. World is fine, now show me why I should care.
Good luck.
And when they see the guy in the tower, they just attack. I don't even see a lot of provocation besides that he is obviously trespassing. I mean, some explanation/motivation/tension and a lot of other things could easily be accomplished just by letting them shout at each other for awhile. Show me why what he is doing is so important.
You do need to tell us who Aliese's father is for any of her transitional thoughts and connection to him to make since. She may not think of him by name, but you might be able to work in his position. Or if he knows he is about to die, it would make since that he would think of his family and her by name.
So, while there are improvements here, my overall critique is going to be exactly the same as last time. World is fine, now show me why I should care.
Good luck.