Timewaster's Guide Archive

Well, I liked the concept of this chapter, that we get a clear sense of Bal and his connection to Lucard. Unfortunately (and a lot of this could be a reading group problem or because I'm just a little slow) many things of this chapter confused me to the point that it was harder to get through. I didn't understand a lot of the magic, creatures or who was on whose side. I got the basic idea (Bal and his brother-who has some type of scrying magic, try to loot a building during a siege. Lots of running. Brother gets hurt, Bal goes to the 'good' guys for help and gets put in prison instead) but that is about it. Because so much of it confused me, I really don't know where to go with this critique other to generate some questions and see if it helps.

Who currently owned the building they were going into? What were the wards and how do they work? How does Jake's magic work? Does it have something to do with his pinky signal or his good luck charm? What exactly where they trying to get? Were the siegers with the knights and the king? How did they just suddenly appear? Are the wildmen/hounds on a certain side, or just run about randomly causing trouble? What about the constructs? What are the constructs? How did Lucard know he was a looter? Was he just guessing?

Like I said, so much of it confused me that I am really wondering if I somehow lost track of the story and missed something, which is entirely possible. I am not the brightest person out there by any means.

Some other minor things. I have to say, that I think I liked Bal's old name better. Not a big deal though. One thing I might be concerned about is that he does have a very uncommon name and pairing it with his brother's very common name doesn't fit so well. It think you are overdoing the semicolon and there were a few transitions that seemed abrupt.

Good luck. Keep it coming.

K, done.

Lots of stuff to go through, but most of it has already been mentioned and/or will come out in my line edits. Medora's chapters had a tendency to go long and there really isn't much to the first one until the very end. They are probably necessary and good enough where you placed them, but I would I'd try to break them up or condense them. Characters were fine, and I like what seems to be your story premise and its basis in the magic system, though a lot those explanations went over my head (don't feel too bad, I'm not really all that big into learning all the specifics of complicated new magic systems...). One thing you should watch is your tendency to overdo the internal thought. It just weighs the story down if you do it too much.   
Anyway, I'll send the rest out to you.

Good work.

I agree with Raven.

I don't have a problem with portraying a few despicable women. Some women are pretty despicable. The problem for me comes is that they seemed to be the only women around and women we were supposed to sympathize with. You have some extreme males as well (such as the other slave) but I don't have a problem with it, because you have Jin and that other father I could see myself sympathizing with in the future.

I personally don't see it as a double standard at all, as I personally wouldn't read a book where the reverse was true either; all completely domineering men. Haven't read Miller and haven't read Whedon. Which could, as I have said, make this all more a matter of personal taste, and I am sorry, but there really isn't a lot you can do about that. Some books are going to appeal to some more than others and that is just the way it goes. It doesn't mean there is anything 'wrong' with it. So if you think it works for your book and it is the way you want it, don't let me or anyone else stop you. Just write your book the way you want it, make it the best book possible, and I am sure you'll find an audience who will love it.

Na, it is all good. I always submit figuring everyone and their dogs are going to hate it and it serves me right for submitting fairy tales to a group full of epic/adult writiers. I don't think I will be ready to publish anything for a long, long time so I really just see this as practice anyway.

I think I am probably that way too. I love characters and don't mind slower books myself. Just experimenting I guess.

Did you really like the prologue? Because I am considering scraping it and doing a very condensed version of this. Just bringing out him trying to drink the djinni before freeing it or something because I really like that image and one of the main reasons I made Mordin a drunk... that and it fits in his character for lots of reasons I am not telling you because I am the most irritating writer ever.

As to what to have you read, I really don't know. I was planing on skiping around, but I'm rethinking a few more things and may end up changing things up a bit more. I'll get back to you on that.   

Wow, thanks for all the stuff Veggie.

I didn't realize that about the 'Wheel of Time' names. I read those so long ago that I only really remember the MCs. Mordin and my main girl (Aishia) was just me playing with Aladdin to be perfectly honest. With that, I should probably tell you I really prefer to twist about established plots and stories. I doubt anything I have will be breath takingly original. You tell me 'that's cliche" and I will say, "Well duh."

And no I don't expect you to love him at this point.

As for everything else. Gah! I agree with most, if not all, of it but it seems I have a lot to work to do....

Oh, and Cynic, I agree with you completely. I don't think I was as committed to the scene as I need to be to do it justice...

Thank you!

Hey, do what you have to do. A book that characterized all women as obnoxious Bs all day long wouldn't interest me personally for the long run, but that doen't mean you won't have a good size audaince else where.

As for the clothing... insteresting. True that going naked does sound a bit more appealing then wearing one of those monstrousities but I was under the impression that more civilized socties (like the greeks) did that kind of thing in the arena, where those of the opposite gender were not permitted. I could be wrong, as you have obviously done more research in that area than I, but I would think at the very least that if this was a condition common to the whole region, the characters would have lost the urge to oogle everything in sight at some point. It would just be common place. And it also makes me wonder how such a seemingly large population survived so long without much natural resources around and a poorer shipping/trading system. If it is so devoid of resources, what exactly is the attraction for them to settle here in the first place?

I am sending you my line edits. I may have gotten a little carried away with commenting, but I guess more is better than less, right? Anyway I hope you find at least some of it helpful.

Mostly I am going to agree with Cynic. Some of the characters seemed inconsistent, though again I did not have any real beef with Jin besides that. I am still struggling with the girls. I've pretty much accepted that those in the slavers society are going to be extreme and I do think having some of that can add some interesting conflict, but then the new girl you set up from what I am assuming is a 'normal' society acting out in the same vein. It is almost to the point where I am a little offended on behalf of my gender and am just waiting for the chainmail bikinis to start showing up since you already have the whip.

Okay, so maybe it isn't quite that bad, and I am really hoping some other female will come on here and tell me that I am just being overly sensitive, but you do have my guard up at the very least.

One more thing I think I should mention is that you tend to have long breaks of just discription. I would try to break those up and spread those out so they are mixed with dialogue action and whatever else just to keep the story moving through those parts.

I did like a lot of the world building in this part and I am still pulling for Jin at least, so please keep at it.

Good luck.