Timewaster's Guide Archive

No, I meant that she had done a whole bunch of critiques at once, like you have done in the past. And I didn't mean it as a bad thing. Whatever you guys can do it fine by me, especially since I am so sporadic about submitting myself that I really haven't personally felt a lag from either of you.

There's an entire thread dedicated to Frog-bashing? Wow. I'm jealous

There are actually several, all masquerading as critique threads. I'll try to properly label the next one so we don't have any more  confusion on where to direct these worthy comments.  

It was pretty close to what we read before, but one thing you are going to have to watch is that you explain a few things here that have already been explained in previous chps, which makes it a bit redundant now. I'm glad you took some time to discribe the hounds and wildmen a bit since I am with Andrew on their still being too many things left unexplained for my liking (though I do know what a dewclaw is and since all dogs have them, it probably can be left alone)

I do appreciate that you gave us more background on Bel's character, the main question I have though is if there is much of a point of even having the family any more. I mean, they don't last long enough to play an significant role in the plot other then to give him an obvious reason to begrudge the knights, but with his brother's most probable death at Lucard's negligence, didn't he already have that? Does he really need this extra push at the expense of losing some of the pacing with all the time jumps and such? Just something to think about anyway. I am also noticing that he doesn't seem to think much of his brother anymore accept it that he doesn't want to become like him, but I would think their lack of closure should be more on his mind since this event was important enough to include in the story in the first place.

Good Luck!

Third:  Anyone who carries a sword has culture.  i know you're trying to hide that but anyone who knows anything about weapons is going to say "Hey, they've got swords.  That means they have culture."  So if they have swords they would never be perceived as "just feral former humans."

I don't think he specifically said they made the swords, just that they had them. How smart do you have to be to scavenge and pick up somebody else's sword?

With Frog's writing, she writes a lot about non-human races, and I'm prepared to be bored to death.

Hey, what's the deal? Don't we have enough Frog bashing in the designated 'Frog bashing Thread'? What's it doing over here?

I wasn't looking for earlier in the day, personally. I was just looking for earlier. So much of the character already seemed established (her friends, her entrance and troubles in the school, her developing magic and a huge dome already placed overhead) that it seemed that any conflict she might have had there was either already dealt with or very vague. Depending on where your story goes from here, you either need to start with showing some of these problems and really show them on the surface in a scene or use the same technique to clearly introduce what her new, external to the school conflict will be. IMO, the setting was fine. What this chapter lacked was a hook.

I think Aprilynne Pike was actually the last one added earlier this year, and I am pretty sure she has some contention to Brandon at least.

I think it is just a simple matter of knowing your audience. And I (as the resident cliche, YA, completely light and fluffy fairy tale writer) loved the tone and what I've seen of world and magic system. Heck, my magic system is different, but has some elemental base too.... though I am not trying to demote you to my level since this is really only the first chp we've seen and I don't really know who you are aiming it at. If you are aiming for the dark and gritty adult crowd this chapter probably isn't doing you any favors, but there is enough of that stuff floating around anyway and in my opinion, it is just as cliche (not that I don't love you other guys and your work, but I am not talking to you now, and we all must push for our own 'team' sometimes).

Problems. This is the first chp with our new friend Aliese right? Because it really doesn't feel like we are starting at the beginning, almost like you are trying to refresh us on stuff we should already know so we can get to the 'real' story, like it was a sequel or at least a reorientation of the character rather then the first introduction. There are elements of showing, but mostly you are just introducing lots of characters and magic system, setting and dumping on them. There seems to be some tension in there, but it is pretty vague and the chapter doesn't seem to serve as a  hook as you really didn't give me any since of what your overall plot might be. A few hints would be nice. I don't know your story, but I really feel you may be starting in the wrong place, at least with this character.

If you are going for YA, you really need to give us Aliese's relative age somewhere and your paragraphs are too long to be artistically pleasing on the page.

Good luck, keep it coming. Don't touch your world/magic system/tone just because you may have hit the wrong crowd this time around.