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Messages - Will777r

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Reading Excuses / Re: May 30 Hubay Lord Domestic Ch 11
« on: June 02, 2011, 12:16:18 AM »
I read this chapter during lunch today. The battle flowed well and everything made sense. I was a little surprised the Nothroi army fell into the trap of the retreat, but they may have felt this was the chance for the kill. They seem like a confident, aggressive people, so it fits.

The coolest moment of course is when Manto is killed by a Chell. It was totally unexpected and done in such a dramatic way that I had to read it twice. It was kind of a "wow" moment and well executed at that. I was wondering why Jhuz wasn't worried the same would happen to him, and then it did. It makes him look courageous to take the helm in this situation.

I didn't think Jhuz's leadership assumption was forced. It seemed natural to me.

I liked the skunks :) I had a good chuckle at that, although seeing them laugh at the opposition on the battlefield seemed a little unrealistic. They are pretty exposed which we see when Jhuz turns his army upon them. I would expect a little bit more vigilance or seriousness heh.

The only complaint I would have isn't really a complain from me personally. There was a lot of narrative summary of the battle. I don't mind that personally. I'm a big fan of Tolkein, who had a lot of narrative summary. But it seems like a battle might demand more showing than telling to draw the reader in more. At least, that's what I've read and am usually told.

Good chapter though! My biggest curiosity right now concerns the Chell. Who are they and what is going on with them? I know who the people perceive them to be, but obviously there's more to them than meets the eye. I would keep reading just to find out what their deal is.


Reading Excuses / May 30 - Will77r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 2
« on: May 31, 2011, 09:45:02 PM »
Hey all :)
Sorry this is late - Been a busy weekend. This was all done months ago, but just didn't have a chance to get to my email.
Chapter 1 Summary - Albione rescues a rival militia commander, but ends up losing the knight he's sworn to protet. A night elf raid has overrun the walls
Chapter 2 Summary - Charom, Albione's older brother, is in charge of the High Priestess' guard detail when the temple comes under attack by the night elves.
Thanks again to everyone who takes the time to read this. I greatly appreciate it and your feedback!


Reading Excuses / Re: May 23 Hubay Lord Domestic Ch 10
« on: May 28, 2011, 02:25:33 AM »
Just finished the first 9 chapters. Excellent storyline. I'm definitely interested to see where it goes from here.  Chapter 10 makes much more sense now.

Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: May 28, 2011, 02:23:10 AM »
I would love to submit my next chapter, if possible. Thanks!


Reading Excuses / Re: May 23 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 1
« on: May 26, 2011, 10:55:50 PM »
LongTime - Thanks a ton for the candid feedback! I prefer brutal honesty to be honest. My goal is to make this the best story I possibly can and not simply hold on to my darlings. Some things aren't open to change because then it wouldn't be my story at all. But if I can make mine better....then I'm all for it.

Concerning the Warhammer references, I'm completely ignorant. I've heard of Warhammer, but don't know anything about it. The link you provided is definitely not the way Albione looks, so it looks like I need to do a better job describing him. I had a lot more description and character development in my first versions of this chapter, but a couple of freelance editors told me "action, action, action" at the beginning. So, I totally revamped it. The only references I have to Albione's "gear" now is a faded cloak and that he's wearing gloves. He's not armored much at all. He wears a light chain suit underneath his clothes, but that's about it. Most of the priests are kinda wimpy to be honest. Albione isn't a physical specimen, but he is skilled in warfare (something taught by his father). Does anyone have some suggestions of where I might work this in without slowing down the action too much?

The Night Elves are definitely feral, so I'm glad you took that from them. I didn't realize scimitar's and night elves were a problem. When I conceived them, I thought of the Arab guy in Robin Hood (the one with Kevin Costner - yes it's awful). He has this massive scimitar and has a dark feral quality to the way he fights. Yet, he's agile. But, that might not be working either hehe.

As to the battle scene, I probably need to do more research on weaponry and melee tactics. I've always been less into that as a reader, so I haven't delved into it too much as a writer. I've always had a large suspension of disbelief anytime I've read something with the label Fantasy. It's awesome to get feedback from those who don't read the same as I do as I want to reach as large an audience in this genre as I possibly can.

Thanks a ton again! I am really grateful for the awesome feedback.


Reading Excuses / Re: May 23 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 1
« on: May 26, 2011, 09:51:31 PM »
It' s all good :) I just appreciate anyone that takes the time to read it!

Reading Excuses / Re: May 23 Hubay Lord Domestic Ch 10
« on: May 26, 2011, 01:43:08 AM »
Well, all I can say is that your magic system sounds even cooler with your explanation. I definitely would like to read the first 9 chapters if you can send them to me. Might take me a bit. Or might not if it hooks me enough hehe.

Reading Excuses / Re: May 23 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 1
« on: May 26, 2011, 01:40:10 AM »
Thanks for the welcome and the feedback!

I'm brainstorming some different names for the Night Elves. My three favorite so far are Nyx, Ashmura (although that sounds more like a city), and Nuks. All three mean night in other languages. My favorite of the three so far is Nyx. Which is funny because Manny mentioned Nox and Lux I think lol.

Akoebel - Albione is actually just a priest who sees himself more as a warrior. He's kind of wimpy in his magical ability. There are a small group of priest/knights (I guess kind of a Paladin equivlent), but they don't play a large role in the story. But, if Albione is coming off that way, I might need to do something to make it clear he's just a priest who likes the thrill of battle. This comes out much more clearly later on in the story, but I don't want people to close it up because he sounds too cliche. Also, I appreciate the comment on the opening two lines. I have REALLY struggled with putting a hook there that fits. I tried those two lines at the suggestion of James Scott Bell, but it usually polarizes those that read it. They either love it or hate it. I'm not particularly fond of it myself.

Manny - Is "Ronar" too close to "Roran"? I haven't read the Eragon series (had to look it up hehe), but I definitely don't want a reader to think of that character due to the names being too close. Although I do love the name. It was one of the first ones I wrote down over 10 years ago lol.

Thanks again for taking the time to read this!


Reading Excuses / Re: May 23 Hubay Lord Domestic Ch 10
« on: May 25, 2011, 09:02:20 PM »
Just finished reading your chapter. My first thought was that I wished I had the prior 9 chapters to read. Jumping into this chapter gave me the feeling of being dropped into a vast world, so it took me a bit to settle in.

First off, I thought the tension in your planning session was excellent. To be honest, I felt it was less about tactics and more about the people, which is good. Although the amount of people involved the discussion made it hard to follow (since I've been dropped into this chapter w/out prior introduction to these folks), the tension connected very well, even if I didn't feel connected to those who were being affected by the tension.

The opening section was hard for me to feel. Some of that has to do with not reading the first 9 chapters. But some of it seemed forced. There would be anger, then immediate laughter. Whereas the tension flowed smoothly in the 2nd scene (tactics), I didn't feel it here.

That being said, I like the part where he explains how his familiar power works. It was clear, unique, and seemed to fit perfectly within your world. I really liked the section where they ask Rince if he's every gotten someone to kill a person. It made sense the way you explained it.

The part right at the end of the scene totally lost me. Maybe it has to do with something earlier in the story that I haven't read, but it seemed out of place and was kind of a deflater from the cool explanation of the fox-familiar power thing. Unless necessary, it seemed more natural to end the scene after he finishes describing the fox power.

It might just be me, but the world felt large, with all the various kinds of troops. On numerous occasions I thought, "That sounds cool - I'd like to read more about those things". The squids that can throw up a smoke screen was very cool in my opinion.

The final part of the chapter seemed out of place - But again, that's probably due to me coming in so late in the story.

Nice job - I look forward to reading more :)


Reading Excuses / Re: May 23 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 1
« on: May 24, 2011, 02:27:57 AM »
Thanks for the feedback Hubay!

One of the things I've struggled with since I started letting people read this is the fact that I started writing this over 10 years ago. There are night elves and light elves in the story world and at the time I conceived them, they were more unique. I actually named them night elves to avoid any association with other fantasy novels that employed a dark elf type of being.

However, when Warcraft 3 came out and introduced this race in their game that's all anyone thinks about when they first see them. They couldn't be further apart in my conception (although what I know about Warcraft night elves is only what I've heard from others). So, I'm giving serious consideration to changing the name of what they are to something no one would relate to. In my mind, they don't look like a traditional elf per se. More of a mixture between a human and the alien from the Predator movies heh. So, I'm not particularly attached to the name.

As far as what the Night Elf creatures are about, they have their own unqiue culture, religion, and motivations that come out a bit more later in the storyline. I originally had a prologue that gives the reason for the attack, but I've read that agents and publishing houses hate prologue's from non-pubbed authors, so I've set it aside for now.

Thanks again!


Reading Excuses / May 23 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 1
« on: May 23, 2011, 08:54:54 PM »
Hello all :)
This is the opening chapter of my novel entitled Soul Yearning.
Albione is the main character. He is a young priest in the service of Alazon, the God of Valor. His city has been attacked by Night Elves the previous two evenings and they anticipate another assault tonight. As such, he is placed on the wall alongside one of the temple Knights, who he is sworn to protect. Because of the intensity of the attacks, tonight the temple soldiers are forced to unite with their rivals in the city (the Militia), against a common foe.
Please be honest and I hope you enjoy it :)


Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: May 19, 2011, 01:44:15 PM »
I would love to submit my first chapter for Monday, if possible. If there's a waiting list, I understand though :) It's around 2,000 words if that info is needed.


Reading Excuses / Re: Your Background
« on: May 18, 2011, 03:04:37 PM »
Hi all :)

You can call me Will. I'm a 36 year old married man with four beautiful kids and I just got serious about writing a year ago. I've been writing since I was in High School, but started on my current manuscript about 10 years ago. Last June, I finally convinced my wife to read it. When she finished chapter 6, she asked for more and I had to tell her there was no more yet. Well, she was rather upset and strongly encouraged me to pursue my writing more seriously. So, I finally completed my 1st draft last October. It's an epic/high fantasy, currently standing at 140,000 words. I'm in full blown edit mode right now and hoping to pitch it to agents and editors by the end of this year. I entered it into the Genesis contest and placed as a Semi-Finalist, so it's generated some good feedback and a lot of interest.

I'm a part of two writer's groups currently, but while I appreciate the feedback and encouragement, none of them really enjoy fantasy or sci-fi. I'm a big fan of Brandon Sanderson and happened to click on his forum link the other day, which led me here :) I was very excited to see a writer's group that has a great interest in speculative fiction. So, I look forward to reading your material and hope you'll enjoy helping me with mine :)


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