Timewaster's Guide Archive

Thanks a ton for your thoughts Hubay! Things are indeed coming to a head pretty soon for Albione where it concerns the temple. Chapter 10 is the end of Act 1 (if we're looking at it from the 3 Act system).

To answer some questions:

- The Temple is extremely formal, with the exception of the few that really run things there. Everyone has carved out their own little kingdom and much of it centers on titles and position. To not use the title is kind of an insult. These formalities keep the temple out of touch with reality and from really making any good impact in their community. Something Albione is starting to notice.

- Priests aren't allowed to marry, so there is segregation for the lower ranking ones (like Albione). High ranking priests/priestesses are allowed to take lovers since they've "learned" to control their passions with "principle".

- The Temple structure is ginormous. It's the largest structure in a city of 30,000 inhabitants. The nobility have their estates in 1/3 of the city, the eastern section. The southern and western sections are controlled by the militia and inhabited by the wealthier businessmen who do not have noble blood. The temple houses over a thousand people and can accommodate about 5,000 worshippers in its main sanctuary. It's 3 stories high all around, with a smaller structure that stretches another 4 stories and houses the leadership. It has it's own walls, as do most of the nobles estates in addition to the wall that runs around the entire city. At its back is the ocean.

- The pantheon of Adme is also quite large. Ferris and most of the militia worship Mirash, God of Order. In the next chapter, you'll meet a friend of Albione's. His father worships, Jetra, Goddess of Life and Healing. Some are more racially divided. A race called the Neld worship Hasaq, God of the Seas. Wizards worship deity's of the elements. A lot of these are mentioned in later chapters as Albione's world expands. While these God's don't derive their power form their worshippers, their status in the pantheon is dependant upon how many worshippers they have. Their place of existence will be revealed later on in the story. I could tell you, but I'd prefer to get your impression on a first read. I originally had a prologue where all the pantheon had been summoned for a meeting. I may bring it back, but I've been told publishing houses hate prologues from new authors. So for now, it's scrapped.

Thanks again Hubay!

Will777r

I'd like to send out my next chapter on Monday also if that's okay

Will777r

Good chapter! I read the first five chapters to get caught up, so I've got a better grip of the story now.

I definitely like Lorn as a character. He's painted as the bad guy up to this point, but he's incredibly sympathetic. He's not just a bad guy. He's a guy doing some "wrong" things because he wants to save his brother's life. Plus, he's a man, and especially after reading Listeria's chapter, that makes him sympathetic because of the way men are treated in this world. He may not end up being the bad guy after all. But, he strikes me as a very deep character which draws me in.

I loved the opening scene where he's working on the watch. It was perfect in my opinion to have him comment on the inside of the watch and how no one cares about that. Pardon the illustration, but I have 4 kids. It reminded me of the scene in Shrek where he's trying to explain to Donkey why he wants everyone shut out of his life. No one cares about what he's really like. He's just judged because he's an ogre. The same goes for Lorn sorta. He's an intelligent man living in a world where all men are second class citizens. No one takes the time to see what he's really like and worth as a person because of what he is on the outside.

The writing definitely needs to be tightened up. I didn't get lost like CJ mentioned, but there were definitely times where Fit and Darl ran together a bit in their dialogue. Some word repetition and run-on sentences distracted me at times, but that stuff is easy to fix if the story is solid.

I did wonder how Tof and Chin were able to pull off the stopping of the dam. They are portrayed as so incompetent, I'm was surprised such a big task went off without any hitches. Just something to think about.

I liked the ending. It was a cool moment to see a man in the library. I suspect he and Ciera will be meeting up soon, for good or bad.

Will777r

Finally made some time to read this.

Overall I liked the chapter. I thought the ending was excellent as it requires me to keep the pages turning to find out what happens. There's no way a reader could put the book down, shut off the light, and go to bed at that point. That's what we're shooting for isn't it?

I also liked the switcheroo pulled by the scene with the Jackal. I was expecting that exchange to go very differently. I still don't trust him, but it threw an interesting twist into the mix: Can I trust him? That's what Jhuz is wondering and so am I as reader, so great job at making me feel what the character are feeling.

The opening felt a little like an infodump disguised as dialogue. Some of it was interesting. Other parts felt forced. If Jhuz is any kind of officer, I'm shocked he doesn't know more about Ezlio's kind. Yes, a sniper officer might not know all the intricate details about artillery, but he should have a working knowledge of how each part of the armed force works together. It sounded a bit too much like Quill fighting 101 to me. I would think that with Jhuz's training under a Chell, he'd have some more understanding.

Now I say that only because that's how I felt as a critiquer. As a reader, it didn't bother me. But a lot of the stuff writer's say you shouldn't do doesn't bother me either. So, take that however you want heh.

My first thought during the end scene was "It's a Chell". But, he's still alive, so I am curious as to who the invisible person is. The chair attack didn't bother me. Yes, going behind to choke him might have been more efficient, but we don't know the identity of the attack or the motive behind it. Maybe the attacker doesn't intend to kill? If so, a chair might be reasonable (and more dramatic). I've never been hit with a chair before, but if someone swung one of my dining room chairs at me when I wasn't looking, I imagine I'd be knocked out. Maybe that's the goal of the attacker? We won't know till later I suppose.

I did find it odd that he was alone in his tent and no one heard the sound of him being attacked with a chair. If there's not a good reason for that, then you might want to rethink it. Or if the attacker is going to kidnap him. It doesn't make much sense then to sneak into the tent invisibly and then make a racket with the chair.

Oh, and wouldn't the Jackel sense the "weakness" in the camp since Jhuz is knocked out? Is that a precursor for a rescue? Or is he behind the attack somehow?

Will777r

Chapter 6 has been ready, but all heck broke loose this last week. If possible, I'd like to submit on Monday

Will777r

Finally got around to reading this, so I apologize for the delay.

First off, I enjoyed the diverse characters in the family. All 3 (P, N, and M) felt distinct and realistic. I'm the oldest of 7 and it reminded me of some conversations I had as a kid with my siblings

Second, I have to echo Asmo's feedback. My first impression was that there wasn't something that stood out in the opening chapter that would makes me say, "I need to read the rest of this book." While I found Miki to be an enjoyable character, there wasn't a lot of tension that made me care about what was happening to him. If someone were to ask me, I would say the chief tension in the chapter comes from the seriousness of the Amabassador's demeanor (shown by his very slow approach to the queen). I don't know if that's a strong enough hook. There's doesn't need to be action, but there does need to be tension, especially in this most important of chapters.

I also found the initial scene with his tutor unnecessary. My guess is that there is some foreshadowing in the opening line? But I don't know if the entire scene makes it worth it. I can't speak much on first sentence hooks cause I'm horrid at them, but I can say that if your story opens with the first line of scene 2 ("Miki ran down the empty cooridoor"), I am definitely more drawn in. That at least makes me want to find out why he's running and why he's trying to keep quiet

Lastly, I felt like there was a lot of description, world building, and backstory for an opening chapter. In particular, the description of people and setting was difficult to get through. Establishing the setting is necessary, but multiple paragraph's of description can be hard on the eyes - especially in an opening chapter which is supposed to hook me. If description is absoltutely necessary, then try to make sure you mix in each of the 5 senses, that way I feel more drawn into the scene rather than being a spectator from afar. Most of your description was based on sight. Add in some smells or sounds and it won't feel so much like a wall of information. A good website was recommended to me for this. The link is http://www.wherethemapends.com/writerstools/writers_tools_pages/tip_of_the_week.htm

Miki sounds like an interesting guy - Maybe get him into a bit of real trouble somewhere in the chapter to ramp up the tension

Will777r

This is the first chapter of your work that I've read Akoebel. Personally, I really liked it. I didn't see any problems with the PoV. I thought it was pretty obvious he was using the Memories at his disposal to decipher how she felt. Since you captialized that word, it stuck out as something I should think about when reading the story (even though I had no clue what they were per se).

I was totally confused at first by who or what Onmk was, but as the chapter went on I kind of got a vague idea of his identity. Having seen your explanation here, I wasn't too far off - So I thought you did an excellent job describing him through his internal dialogue and actions. I loved him personally. I liked the small hints of bad things to come and thought they added good tension to drive the chapter. Once I oriented myself to what was going on (hard to do coming in cold turkey at the 6th chapter, so not your fault), I read it smoothly.

A few sentences jolted me out of the story for a few seconds. CJ mentioned a few of those. There were also a lot of dialogue tags. I'm not a writing snob, but for some reason those grab me and make me aware I'm reading something rather than being inside the story. "He said", "She said" is usually good enough and invisible to the reader, so it isn't repetitive to the eyes.

Overall cool chapter. I would love to read the first five chapters to get better perspective.


Will777r