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Messages - Will777r

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Reading Excuses / June 27th - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 5
« on: June 27, 2011, 09:09:53 PM »
Hey guys,

Here's my next chapter. As always I appreciate the suggestions and feedback.

Chapter 5 Summary - A messenger delivers a dangerous package to Albione's room. When he opens it, the nightmare gets worse.

Here's the summary's for the first 4 chapters.

Chapter 1 Summary - Albione rescues a rival militia commander, but ends up losing the knight he's sworn to protect. A night elf raid has overrun the walls

Chapter 2 Summary - Charom, Albione's older brother, is in charge of the High Priestess' guard detail when the temple comes under attack.

Chapter 3 Summary - Albione rescues the High Priestess and accompanies her and his brother Charom to the wall. What he finds is completely unexpected.

Chapter 4 Summary - Albione is summoned to a meeting with his immediate Superior to face the consequences of his actions on the wall.


Reading Excuses / Re: June 24 Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch12
« on: June 27, 2011, 07:04:31 PM »
A good reaction chapter to the battle of the previous one. It's well-written and flowed smoothly.

Personally, I loved the Dombow. I'm not that picky about whether something would work or not in reality. This is fantasy, in my humble opinion. If it isn't too off the wall, I'll suspend disbelief. I thought it was a very cool moment when Zaisha showed it off to Jhuz. The effect it had on the others was enough for me not to get bogged down in the details.

Drunken humor doesn't do a lot for me, but that's a personal opinion. It didn't distract from the story or stand out too much. I think Jhuz's concern for important matters kept it from doing so. It seemed natural and not gratuitous because of that.

The ending was the best of course as I'm eagerly anticipating his meeting with the Jackel. Jhuz is fitting into his position very well. More about the Chell soon please though lol!


This chapter was a smooth read, much more so than the last chapter. I didn't feel like there were dead moments or confusing sections. I could picture everything very well in my mind.

I did feel like it needed to be tightened up a bit. Things like "Darkclaw looked" are unnecessary as we're already in his head. You can just write what he sees. It will deepen the PoV and make the sentences/paragraphs tighter.

I'll echo what some others have said about "standard time". Instead of making me feel like the universe has depth from the different cultures/planets, it just threw me off.

I also have gotten the impression that the Trodoon's are lizard or frog-like. If that's what you're going for, then that's great.

I also got the impression that Keeneye was questioning Darkclaw. Up to that point, the entire mood is one of superiority, confidence, and order. I know he just questioned whether it was safe to enter the station, but in light of how everything has been up to that point, it came across stronger than maybe you intended. I would expect him to speak with a bit more deference, and even confidence.

I too like Darkclaw's character. I'm interested to see where his arc goes.

The High Lord strikes me as all-powerful. I'm interested to find out what his weaknesses are.

The space station was the only part that I didn't like much. Not the actual depiction of it. It sounded cool. But, the ability to clone an army at such a rapid pace seemed very convenient and gave me the idea that they will be unstoppable. The only danger with an unstoppable force is that it often requires something out of left field to defeat it. If the "left field" idea is creative and makes sense, then great. If it's not belieable, it will just leave the reader disappointed.

Good chapter overall. I liked it and am interested to see what happens next.


Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: June 26, 2011, 01:11:13 AM »
I've got my next chapter ready if it's okay to submit on Monday.


Thanks again for the feedback Asmo, both positive and constructive. I'm really glad I found you guys :)

I especially apprecate what you had to say about the temple's stance not making sense. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to Albione either. One of the theme's of the book is the question of truth and evil. Albione has always believed his temple to be good. But are they? The temple's views seem a little warped, but religion can do that to folks. "Cowardice" to them would probably be synonymous with "sin" or "wickedness", even though the action might not resemble cowardice at all. The breaking of any of their principles falls in that category. I'm hoping that comes out more in the story as the temple is explored a bit, but it might not be working.

The miltia might be able to take the city, but it would be a bloodbath. Whether Benda or Ferris have compromised values remains to be seen, although I'll let the reader decide :)

As for the city being on alert - The militia is, but the temple knows it's over via Rook-Sha. Her revelation from Alazon told her the truth behind the attack, that this was a squabble between Rysok and Alazon (two deity's) and it failed. Maybe I should bring that prologue back heh.


Reading Excuses / Re: June 6th - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 3
« on: June 23, 2011, 02:46:25 AM »
Thanks for the feedback Asmo :)

In the first draft of my story, I originally started with an explanation of the situation in Elueria, but dropped it for obvious reasons. Since the characters already know why there's tension, it seemed forced to dump it all at once via dialogue. So, I've tried to show the already existing tension and reveal bits and pieces why along the way. I won't give all those answers here as it's part of the storyline, but I would love to hear any suggestions on how to accomplish this better. It definitely needs some work if it's not working for you.

The city is almost 2 cities really. The Eastern section of the city is where the nobles live and the Temple of Alazon stands. It takes about 1/2 a day to get from here to the other two sections of the city, so it's large. The militia aren't allowed in. The situation with the night elves was an extremely rare exception. The Temple runs this section of the city and is independent of the rest. It still claims the authority to hold sway over the entire city, even though that's not the reality. The Northern and Southern sections are ruled by Sir Ferris and his militia. In addition, his rule governs the villages in the countryside.  So, the city functions as 2 seperate entities really. Any interaction is considered a horrible necessity.  Not exactly what's best for the people, but it remains to be seen if Sir Ferris or Rook-Sha are really interested in that. Their hatred for each other definitely has trickled down to the lowest levels of those who follow them. If you find them petty, well....politicians often are :)

On a side note, the city isn't under siege. I need to do a better job making this clear. The night elves didn't bring near the army required for that. This is just a large raiding force designed to get an elite group to get the priestess. That's a religious matter. I introduced it in a prolouge. Maybe I'll bring it back as it explains their motive.

Thanks again!


Reading Excuses / June 20th - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 4
« on: June 21, 2011, 03:14:51 AM »
Hey guys :)

Here's Chapter 4. It's about 2300 words, so a shorter chapter. Again I appreciate the time anyone takes to read this and offer feedback.

Chapter 4 Summary - Albione is summoned to a meeting with his immediate Superior to face the consequences of his actions on the wall.

Here's the summary's for the first 3 chapters.

Chapter 1 Summary - Albione rescues a rival militia commander, but ends up losing the knight he's sworn to protect. A night elf raid has overrun the walls

Chapter 2 Summary - Charom, Albione's older brother, is in charge of the High Priestess' guard detail when the temple comes under attack.

Chapter 3 Summary - Albione rescues the High Priestess and accompanies her and his brother Charom to the wall. What he finds is completely unexpected.

Thanks again!


Finally got around to this - sorry it took so long.

I'm not an avid sci-fi reader, so I'm not familiar with all the genre norms. But I can give my opinion on how the story feels to me.

I thought you did a good job of bringing out their cat-like nature. Their behavior struck me as a little too aggressive for human behavior. Even the playful banter (or romantic banter) had an aggressive tone to it that defined them as a different species. So, I tihnk you achieved that well.

The tension of the chapter seems focused on Nayasar's internal issues. Most of the scene moves via dialogue, but underlying it all is the pressure and anger she feels. It was there, but I think you can strengthen that a bit more. Make me feel the anger and pressure (and even emotional pain if that's the source of it) more to up the ante of the chapter. It's not filler, but at times it dragged a bit as the tension felt low.

The race part was the best - I kind of lost track of the writing and sunk into the story. Before that it dragged a bit for me. During their drive over to the forest/hill might be a good time to up the internal tension a bit for her. Just my opinion there though.

I was worried the end of the chapter wouldn't have a strong hook to move on to the next one, but I think it worked. She sleepily makes Felivas promise to help her make them pay and he agrees. So, there's a promise of something to come and I'll want to find out if it happens. The only suggestion I'd make there is maybe to make his response stronger maybe? "Of course I will" kinda seemed like he was saying whatever she wanted to hear instead of really supporting her. But maybe that's just Felivas' personality :)

I'm interested to read more. I thought the chapter flowed well. There were some missing words and a few long sentences that could probably be split up, but not so many that it distracted me too much.


Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: June 14, 2011, 03:40:24 AM »
Waiting until next week myself if that's okay.


Reading Excuses / Re: June 6th - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 3
« on: June 14, 2011, 02:01:17 AM »
Thanks for the suggestions and feedback here guys :) This chapter has usually gone over better with my readers so it's good to see that some of you liked it better.

Hubay - Thanks for the suggestions on how to make the carnage a bit more impacting on Albione. I really liked some the ideas you mentioned and hope to do something along those lines when I come back to this one.

Concerning the temple/militia rivalry, I was hoping Albione and Ronar's conversation on page 1 and 2 of the chapter 1 would kind of show the tension between them. Ronar points out that the militia soldiers are keeping their distance and Albione mentions his distaste with having to fight alongside them tonight. But, maybe that's not enough.

Concerning Rook-Sha, she is from another continent, which is why her name is different :) Her backstory isn't necessary to this book, but I could eventually slip something in later on to mention she's not originally from Elueria.

Sky - Thanks for the feedback about why the reader should care about Albione's choices at this point. Chapter 4 actually starts with a conversation between Albione and his superior. There the temple's take on this is spelled out. Hopefully that will clarify. I originally had more of this in the first chapter, but it got labled as an infodump, so I just kept the essentials. After I send chapter 4, maybe you can give me your feedback on whether that fits well or I need more in the beginning of the story?

Oh, and primarily everyone is staring at Albione because the most powerful man in 100 miles just spoke to him and said some things that hinted Albione did something for him. Ferris is the villain to every noble family in the city. To be giving thanks to a member of nobility is a serious shocker for them. Heck, just seeing him in person is a bit crazy.

Akoebel - I really appreciate your comments on Albione's stop when he sees the body. One of my crit partners mentioned this to me when I first wrote it and I'm toying with the idea of having him show some internal dialogue when he sees the body instead of actually stopping.

As for finding the sanctuary a little too easily. Anyone can find that. The High Priestess took the secret route to get there quicker and cut the night elves off, not because it's a secret room. I need to do a better job of explaining that somehow.

Concerning the magic system, Rook-Sha is one of a select few who are given power by Alazon to create a portal. Only one other group are taught the chant to produce this. It could be used in battle, but there's a reason that wouldn't work well :) I can tell you, but it spoils a major storyline. So depends on whether you want to know or not heh.

As far as the cost for using magic, Albione explains that in the chapter. "Healing always tired the recipient, but continued healing also exhausted the one ministering it." That's from page 10. I can't go into more detail because Albione doesn't know why this is the case. In fact, only a select few in the world know this answer and they guard the reasons heavily by order of the Gods. This is part of where I've struggled with how to describe the magic. I can do better showing it, but I'm hesitant to give details on the how or why because they people don't really understand it. They are just taught to use a certain chant, combined with a certain holy item and it will produce certain effects. The Gods haven't been more forthcoming than that for their own reasons.

I'll leave any comments on Albione's fears or shame until after chapter 4. If it doesn't makes sense after that, then I'll need to rework something. Or might need to rework it earlier anyway heh - I don't want someone putting it down because they don't see a reason why they should care.

Awesome feedback as always - Thank you so much!!!


Reading Excuses / Re: May 30 - Will77r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 2
« on: June 14, 2011, 01:34:27 AM »
As always, I really, really appreciate the feedback here. A lot of you are asking questions about why certain things are the way they are. There is an extensive backstory for all that, one I originally included in long infodump details hehe. But that wasn't working at all. So, I'm trying to decimate bits and pieces as the story goes on. Enough to make someone curious without stopping the story completely to reveal backstory.

I am pretty set on dropping Iaon's point of view scene completely. It's probably sufficient to show Albione in Chapter 3 arriving at the carnage outside the temple doors. Or I could replace Kase with an injured Iaon and thus not kill off a PoV character. Any thoughts there would be appreciated :)

Hubay, I really appreciate your thoughts on writing the magic from a deeper PoV instead of so detached. That's something I'm going to hit hard when I go through everything for the 3rd pass.

I'll try answer a few of the questions brought up here. Maybe some things will make more sense and you can help me to decide on whether or not changes are necessary to clarify this early in the story.

Asmodemon - The reason the militia commander doesn't believe Albione is because he feels assigned to a useless place on the wall. For the last two nights, the night elves have hit the southern and western walls of the city hard. The Militia controls 2/3 of the city and really is the driving force in that part of the land (not the Temple of Alazon). His assignment was switched to here tonight "for his safety" since he's Ferris' son-in-law. In his mind, not much has happened here and the temple forces were just exaggerating any attacks that came this way. I can't really show any of this w/out being in his PoV or giving an omniscient infodump. 

As for the priests being stupid - It's a suicide mission for the night elves. They might kidnap the high priestess, but it's way more likely they won't get close. Even though the night elf priest almost kills her, that's not his mission. He only chooses this route because he knows he's dead already. Much better to face Rysok (his god) having done something than nothing. If a direct assault simply to defeat the temple is the mission (as the temple priests assume), it's absurd. They might suprise the courtyard guards and achieve a few victories  at first, but when the temple brings even a fraction of its full might to bear, they'll be slaughtered. When Rook-Sha reveals their true intention, that at least makes a bit more sense.

Concerning the bells, they aren't a magical alarm or anthing. When Kase breaks away to notify the High Priestess, he sends someone to sound the alarm. The temple is actually quite some distance from the walls (Elueria is huge). As for Albione going to warn them, well, he's just late heh. When Setio sends him, he doesn't know the runners are dead or that this heavy frontal attack was simply a diversion to get an elite force into the city. Even so, Albione is bound to follow the orders, so he leaves himself. Maybe not the brightest decision, but Albione's a man who gets caught up in his emotions - He kind of goes with what he's feels is right, even if it doesn't always make sense. I'll be honest though, your comments on this really made me think a lot about whether or not the sequence is believable. I appreciate that because I don't want readers to get frustrated and put it down because it doesn't make sense.

Akoebel - I like your questions about the night elves being "evil" to a man. This subject actually a theme in the story :) However, there are deep prejudices against the night elves because they fought a lengthy war against every human nation in the world years ago. And the night elves took it to levels that changed the way war took place. In fact, magic was never used prior to this war in battle. But that's probably more backstory than you care for. Suffice it to say, there's not a single member of the temple who thinks there is any good at all in any night elf.

As far as Kase being sent to the infirmary, the temple has plenty of soldiers to fight and he's badly injured. I need to do a better job of showing both those things.

Thanks again guys! I'm editing the middle of the book right now, but I can't wait to return to this chapter and do some surgery to it :)


Reading Excuses / June 6th - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 3
« on: June 06, 2011, 11:38:00 PM »
Hey guys :)
Here's chapter 3.
Chapter 1 Summary - Albione rescues a rival militia commander, but ends up losing the knight he's sworn to protect. A night elf raid has overrun the walls
Chapter 2 Summary - Charom, Albione's older brother, is in charge of the High Priestess' guard detail when the temple comes under attack.

Chapter 3 Summary - Albione rescues the High Priestess and accompanies her and his brother Charom to the wall. What he finds is completely unexpected.

Thank you again to everyone who reads this and offers feedback. I can't say how much I appreciate you giving your time.


Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: June 05, 2011, 04:11:43 AM »
If possible my chapter 3 is ready for submission on Monday :)


Reading Excuses / Re: May 30 Hubay Lord Domestic Ch 11
« on: June 03, 2011, 01:30:48 AM »
I didn't notice the statement so it didn't jolt me out of the text or anything when I read it. I suppose some might think it doesn't fit or isn't used appropriately. I'm a pretty easy going reader though. Tell me a good story and I won't care too much about style.

Reading Excuses / Re: May 30 - Will77r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 2
« on: June 02, 2011, 12:26:53 AM »
Thanks for taking the time to read this and give me feedback Manny :)

One of my biggest struggles has been the PoV change to Charom in Chapter 2. If I skip that chapter altogether, Chapter 3 seems anticlimactic. If it's written at all, it can't be written from Albione's PoV. Originally, I had it from the night elf priest's PoV. People liked that, but chapter 3 still seemed anticlimactic. So, I wrote it from Charom's PoV to build some concern for Rook-Sha when the events of Chapter 3 occur. I would love to hear any advice on what I should do with this chapter (even kill it) after I put up Chapter 3.

As far as the magic system and the storyline behind the deity's, I can explain it more. But, it comes out in the story. I had more background in my original first chapter (and prologue), but it fell into the infodump category and slowed it down a bit. It does come in later though.

Concerning allegory. I wouldn't try to look for any because if any is there, it's not intentional. My story began as a "what if" scenario many years ago, but it's lost all those elements and taken on a life of its own. But technically, as a writer, I should be happy with your guesses. They're 100% off hehe :)

Thanks again!


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