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Messages - Will777r

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Reading Excuses / Re: August 15 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 9
« on: August 22, 2011, 09:29:45 PM »
Giving this a bump since it's off the first page and only had one reply so far :)

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Reading Excuses / Re: Aug 15 2011 Asmodemon Maiden of Thorns Prologue
« on: August 22, 2011, 03:16:57 AM »
Prologue's by their nature tend to be a little enigmatic. By the end of a book (or even a series), I often read a prologue again because it makes perfect sense at that point. So, I'm kind of hoping that's how this will work.

I liked Black Rose. Even though I didn't fully understand what was going on, I thought her character was engaging. I liked seeing her motives and feelings, which should make her a more powerful villain.

I got a little lost in the details of the action, but I followed the general action pretty well. Again, the rest of the story should give the prologue more depth. If not, then you have to ask the all important question: Is it needed?

I guess it did seem like her Wanderer was defeated a bit too easily. But I didn't think she was. There was an overconfident undertone to her attitude from the beginning that set her up for a fall. It didn't shock me that the "emptiness" power she wielded and considered stronger than anything they could throw at her was overcome by something greater that was a "forbidden" or "ancient" power. Pride comes before destruction is a common theme with villains and it seemed to apply here.

Interesting intro. I think the story will pull me in more than the prologue, so I'm anxious to read the first chapter.

Will777r

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Thanks for the feedback Hubay! I absolutely loved your suggestion about Albione and Jake. I think the reason that this section of the story sags a bit is because I haven't made Albione's goals and motivations clear at this point. I really appreciate the rest of your comments too. I found them to be some of the most helpful I've gotten in pinpointing how I can improve on this section of the story.

Aetherial will become a major character in the final 3rd of the story. He'll be in and out every few chapters until then. He is probably my favorite character next to Albione.

The power a wizard uses is distinct from priestly power. However, they would both be considered religiously based. There's a chapter later in the book where that is explained in detail.

Concerning Agnosticism, there have been periods in history where things meant different things than they do now. I got this idea from the times of the Roman Empire. For example, in Rome it was illegal to be an Atheist. However, their definition of Atheism was vastly different than the current one. An Atheist was anyone who refused to worship gods declared legal by the empire. If you worshiped an illegal deity, you were charged with Atheism. I've tweaked some common terminology in the story to something different to give it a bit of a twist.

Will777r

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This was probably my favorite chapter so far. I liked being in Darkclaw's head as he dealt with each situation, both external and internal, he faced. His story became compelling to me at this point because I'm wondering why he's experiencing the emotions and how he will deal with them eventually.

I also liked the Sneva. I really don't care for annoying dialects in books, but I only found their speech mildly bothersome. I was intrigued by them enough that I wasn't focusing on their speech.

Although it was a little predictable, I liked the scene when the Sneva leader threw the mace at Darkclaw. I also liked that Darkclaw was not in a position of strength during the entire chapter. The only time I was tempted to skim was in the planning session toward the end. I did like Darkclaw's final line though.

Will777r

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Reading Excuses / August 15 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 9
« on: August 15, 2011, 07:56:26 PM »
Hey guys :)
 
Here's my next chapter. As always I appreciate the suggestions and feedback!
 
Chapter 9 Summary -  Albione makes a foolish mistake which causes the temple to finally lose patience with him.
 
 
Here's the summary's for the first 8 chapters.

Chapter 1 Summary - Albione rescues a rival militia commander, but ends up losing the knight he's sworn to protect. A night elf raid has overrun the walls

Chapter 2 Summary - Charom, Albione's older brother, is in charge of the High Priestess' guard detail when the temple comes under attack.

Chapter 3 Summary - Albione rescues the High Priestess and accompanies her and his brother Charom to the wall. What he finds is completely unexpected.
 
Chapter 4 Summary - Albione is summoned to a meeting with his immediate Superior to face the consequences of his actions on the wall.
 
Chapter 5 Summary - A messenger delivers a dangerous package to Albione's room. When he opens it, the nightmare gets worse.
 
Chapter 6 Summary - Albione returns to his family's estate to fulfill his vow of seclusion, but finds himself further away from his God.
 
Chapter 7 Summary -  Albione returns to the temple, but two experiences make him question his faith further

Chapter 8 Summary - Albione meets with an old friend who only fuels the fire of his frustration

Will777r

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Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: August 13, 2011, 10:37:26 PM »
My next chapter is also ready, if there's still time to get in for Monday.

Will777r

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Thanks everyone for the feedback! As always, I really appreciate the time you all took to read my stuff and comment on it.

A couple of you have mentioned that the story seems to be meandering. One of my goals on the next re-write is to cut and condense a lot of chapter 5 through 8 to get back to the action a bit quicker. It's a difficult balance because the story is mostly character driven. But I don't want it to bog down. Once Chapter 10 hits, there's a small section of chapters where the world opens up, but other than that it's all movement until the end. Now to answer some questions hehe.

Aetherial is a friend of Albione's father, before Alb was even born. Alb's father was much more tolerant than the temple. Their relationship broke down the walls that would normally keep Alb and Aeth from friendship. To be honest, the temple's problem with the militia is much more political than religious. Ferris is former nobility and ripped the people's loyalty from the temple. That means less attendance, money, and power. That's really what fuels the temple's hatred. Religion is just the excuse to fire up the masses. Oh, and I'm glad some of you like Aetherial - he's one of my favorite characters.

There are alliances among the pantheon, although that doesn't come into play in this book much.

Hubay kind of nailed how the temple of Alazon views things, their theology per se. Albione doesn't quite see it that way because he's not really paid much attention to his religious studies - hence his superiors frustration with him.

There's no inherent animosity toward half-elves. I was trying to avoid that cliche. Plus Aetherial is very well known in this part of the world. He has an outstanding reputation with pretty much everyone (except maybe his father's people).

Thanks again!

Will777r



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My first read made me think of Princess Bride and Inkheart. I'm not normally a fan of 1st person as I find it very stilted. But I thought Tommy's internal banter was good. It drew me in a bit, which is saying a lot. I almost always scrap a book when I see it's 1st person.

I think you dropped some things that were interesting into the start (like Tommy's dad disappearing).

I hate to piggyback on Asmo's post, but he pretty much summed up my concerns.

Will777r

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Reading Excuses / Re: August 8 Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch15
« on: August 11, 2011, 04:40:58 AM »
Good chapter. I  really liked the General. Up to this point we haven't had a ton of up close contact with the Noithroi, but I've enjoyed every interaction with them.

The introduction of Lisu threw me a bit. I'm curious how you're going to do these PoV's? Will they be occurring simultaneously, bouncing back and forth, or will her PoV come later in the story? I think if it's not simultaneous, you might want to tell us a bit more about Lisu in this chapter. It was hard to engage with her when there was little to connect Jhuz to her for me. If we'll already know her by now, then I think it will read just fine. Her take is definitely interesting. I'd say I'm curious to see how everything works out between her and Jhuz, but I'm more interested in the Chell heh.

I really like your story line so far - I find it interesting.

Will777r

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Reading Excuses / Re: 8/08/2011 - Amnonian - The Creator - Short Story
« on: August 11, 2011, 04:13:46 AM »
I kind of got an anime, airbender, dragonball-z, street fighter vibe when I read this. I don't know if that makes it cliche' or the fact that the main character is the Creator. I saw that one coming from early on hehe.

I think the biggest issue I had with the story was that I wasn't given a reason to care about the main character at the start. Something had happened, but I wasn't drawn in to find out what. Especially with a short story, you want to hook people immediately. Maybe find a way to get right into Crea's special abilities to make me care about him more?

The other problem I found was that it read  a little stilted. Falmor played the mentor role, but his dialogue was really clipped. It gave me the impression he wasn't very deep. Most of the character's dialogue's sounded similar. Plus, Destroyer's dialogue read a little bit more for a younger audience. That might just be me though.

Overall, it wasn't something that grabbed me, but I'm more into sword and sorcery type of stuff. I think if you tightened it up and fleshed out the characters a bit more, it might work better though.

Will777r

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Good chapter. Everything has been leading up to this point in the story so far, so it was good to see it finally happen. I absolutely loved the scene with Ciera in the storage room and Lorn outside. I am very curious as to what kept Omhk away for so long. I kept expecting him to arrive on the scene, but he didn't.

I also felt that Ciera opened up to Lorn a bit too much too soon. I could see her doing this as she got to know him a bit more (since Lorn is also my favorite character), but not right away. You had a line where she mentions stealing the Compendium back from him, but her chattiness kind of drowned it out.

My only other complaint would be how slow the chapter started. You have to explain why she's still there when Lorn breaks in, so I get that, but their meeting is what everyone is waiting for in my humble opinion. When you end the last chapter with his break in, you have to get back to that quick or the tension can fizzle a bit.

Overall, I'm very curious to see what happens next :)

Will777r

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Reading Excuses / Re: 8/7/11 - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter One
« on: August 10, 2011, 09:05:02 PM »
I'll try not repeat what others have said too much.

I like the opening hook - It definitely creates some tension. The real trick is to maintain that tension or ramp it up even higher in the following pages. I thought you eventually did that with the revelation she was carrying a knife (what does she plan to do with it, etc). But in between, there was a lot of description that slowed it down for me. I found myself skimming over that a bit.

Once we get to the statue, I thought the story moved really well - Everything from that point on was crucial and drew me in.

I was a little disappointed when Saril stopped her. It would seem to me that he wouldn't let it get that far if he was alert enough to catch her. The consequences of her actions are pretty bad, enough to do something before that point.

Medora worked for me, although she came off a little emo heh. Her actions made sense, although I agree with the comments made by someone else that her aspirations to become a leader don't make sense in light of what she plans to do.

Your world sounds very cool. There were lots of questions in my mind as I read - things I would want to find out about later on.

Good start :)

Will777r

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Reading Excuses / August 7, 2011 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 8
« on: August 08, 2011, 08:40:46 PM »
Hey guys :)
 
Here's my next chapter. As always I appreciate the suggestions and feedback!
 
Chapter 8 Summary -  Albione goes to lunch with Charom and meets someone important. 3,500 words.
 
 
Here's the summary's for the first 7 chapters.

Chapter 1 Summary - Albione rescues a rival militia commander, but ends up losing the knight he's sworn to protect. A night elf raid has overrun the walls

Chapter 2 Summary - Charom, Albione's older brother, is in charge of the High Priestess' guard detail when the temple comes under attack.

Chapter 3 Summary - Albione rescues the High Priestess and accompanies her and his brother Charom to the wall. What he finds is completely unexpected.
 
Chapter 4 Summary - Albione is summoned to a meeting with his immediate Superior to face the consequences of his actions on the wall.
 
Chapter 5 Summary - A messenger delivers a dangerous package to Albione's room. When he opens it, the nightmare gets worse.
 
Chapter 6 Summary - Albione returns to his family's estate to fulfill his vow of seclusion, but finds himself further away from his God.

Chapter 7 Summary -  Albione returns to the temple, but two expriences make him question his faith further

Will777r

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Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: August 03, 2011, 11:05:16 PM »
I'll have another chapter ready to submit for the 8th if that's ok :)

Will777r

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Reading Excuses / Re: July 25 Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch14
« on: August 01, 2011, 10:43:34 PM »
I liked Hex too. He was quirky sometimes, but I don't think he came off as poor humor. I particularly liked the ending comment by him. I laughed at that one.

I found the "rules" that govern him employment interesting. Everything made sense to me except the part about him being contracted to "create chaos". I didn't see why kidnapping Jhuz would have the best effect there. Not unless there's something deeper going on, like the Jackal being in league with Hex or something of that nature. I understand why he couldn't kill Jhuz, but it just seems like it be easier to say he was contracted for something more specific regarding the leadership of the legion.

I loved the explanation of the eggs. I was wondering why you kept mentioning it in the last chapter. The answer was fulfilling. But technically wouldn't poisoning him kill him? Or was it something less poisonous like the apples?

Good chapter overall. I'm interested to see how Jhuz gets out of it.

Will777r

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