Timewaster's Guide Archive

Sorry it took so long to get back to you.

I don't have much, but I do want to say that I liked your story.  If you’re going to have Rain come back as a character then fine, but if not, then you could probably do without a lot of the banter.  Also, I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around a society that puts its women folk "out to pasture.”  Most of the ancient cultures that I know of never went that far.  I could see the degradation of their women folk but not the ostracization.

I'd like to submit for Monday as well.

…and sighed at how flat her chest was.

This line seems out of place.  Might be too much information just now.

She would tell herself…

Seems like the wrong tense.

He looked at her as she half smiled, he could always do that to her no matter her mood.

What, look?

What are you, a nerd?

Nerd seems out of place.  Is this world the same as ours or a different one?

Brendon half interruptd…

How do you half interrupte?  I thought was all or nothing.

…a small bubble covered her nose, mouth, and ears in the shape of a mask.  They swam silently for nearly an hour.

If the bubble is that small, wouldn’t they run out of air rather quickly?  And what about the sharks?

She struggles with…

Her, or maybe, struggled?

His voice sounded disappointed to Amber so, despite herself, she stood and stretched her now half-stiff muscles.

Why does his disappointment matter?  For lack of a better word, this sentence seems, clunky.

The plants nearest her feat and those brushing against her legs…

Feet

“OK, but if I’m right then you totally have to admit that…

While they do admittedly sound young, it feels wrong for the setting.  I don’t want to say that they’re out of character, but the way they speak isn’t in line with what has been revealed of the world.

So far not too bad, but with the multiple POV’s I’m really not into either character just yet.  For the first chapter it was Brendon and now it’s Amber, I don’t know whom I’m pulling for and consequently I don’t care for either of them.  Now don’t get me wrong they’re likeable, but nothings happened to make me care about them yet.  Your magic system is really intriguing and I look forward to seeing how you implement it later on.

Sergio – Sergio-B to be technically accurate…
Maybe just Sergio-B, you’ve already introduced him as Sergio.

The polycarbonate ruptured with a sickening crack.
Is that a window, or a viewing screen?  This would be a good place to remind the reader.

Constitution ver. 5.8.
Haha, lmao.  I’m glad it wasn’t (something .0).

difficulty with such thins…
Things maybe.

I really liked it.  Though I might be a little biased in that I have a story about cloning as well.  I enjoyed your spin on it and the pacing was just right.  The only thing I might suggest would be some clarification on whether Villamayor was just making a memorial speech or an acceptance speech.  Personally, I think an acceptance speech might work better to close the story.  But then I’ve never tried writing a short story, so I’m not sure how to end one.  Great job!

I agree jwdenzel, in one of my submission's it had been noted that the voice and style had changed dramatically.  As a result of focusing on too many other opinions, I failed to stay with my own style.  Like you said, "...use whatever style you want..."  But to add to it, use what your comfortable with.  Go with what you know.

Sorry, that was chapter 2 of Miranda's POV.  I have another character, Jason, who's POV has 30k already.  They should switch back and forth, but I haven't decided the order quite yet.

Switched to some Chris Cornell:  Soundgarden, Audio Slave, and some solo stuff.  Very cool.

Okay, dialogue seems to run a bit too long and you are over tagging it a bit. I would suggest breaking it up with some description of body language, setting... anything really.

Is the tagging too much, or is it the descriptive tagging?  I'm getting a little confused, some people have said one submission was ok on tagging while another had too much, but there was no difference in the way I had it placed.  Except for descriptive tagging, that's the only one I've played with.

Right, so I haven't ready any of your story before, and your synopsis didn't seem to give me enough.

Why is she calling him Daddy? I'm getting the impression that she is at least a teenager if not older. And to me the term Daddy smacks of adolescence (IE. 12 and under). Now I'm not saying is has to, but when I first started reading I thought I was in a child's viewpoint, then come to find out she is dealing with demons and hell and used to be 13 so... ya I was confused.

Unfortunately you’ve missed about 30k words of submission so far.  And I didn’t submit Miranda’s part of the story in sequence (I didn’t know it then), so it bound to be a little confusing as it ties in to the rest of the story.

Daddy is a cultural thing.  While she’s not that young physically, her father has spoiled her for most of her life.  I wanted to give the impression of growing maturity with Miranda as the story moves along, slowly tapering its use off.  Oops!