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Reading Excuses / Re: December 21 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God, Guli Chapter 1
« on: December 21, 2009, 10:38:49 PM »
Alright. First off I liked the characterizations very much. I thought that Hamaline, Dala and Guli came off very well. Your dialogue seems pretty fluid to me, and flows well enough with each character having their own style and cadence. At the beginning of the submission I thought some of the descriptions could use a little tightening up in form. I can't point to any one sentence per se but the first few paragraphs feel a bit choppy, almost like you weren't quite sure how to get across what you wanted and make it flow. I think that if you interspersed the descriptions of your characters with their actions at the beginning it might help some. You also might want to go back through and check your grammar. I noticed a couple of sentences that have tense issues. I didn't go through and mark them but if you want me to send me a message and I'll see about making some notes in the file to send back to you.
On a side note, I've been out of touch for a bit. Is there any way I can get you to send me the other submissions? I'd like to read them. You've piqued my curiosity.
On a side note, I've been out of touch for a bit. Is there any way I can get you to send me the other submissions? I'd like to read them. You've piqued my curiosity.