August 10 - Blade of the Fallen - Chapter 17

[swaindaddy]

thsi is the final chapter of Part I of the book. Let me know what you think.

[Chaos]

I checked my inbox again and I didn't see the email. I could've missed it though, but if not, send again

(I swear I'm going to critique this stuff soon. I have all of it, don't worry, and I will get to it soon!)

[Miang]

I didn't receive it either so I think maybe the email didn't go through?

[Recovering_Cynic]

Nothing here either.

[Miang]

Ok, it's there now. Thank you!"

[Hamster]

Wow.

A very good chapter with potential to be even more awesome.

This chapter is my favourite since the one in the beginning with the secret organization, the _____ Hand,( can't quite remember, it's on the tip of my tongue though). It had some very welcome action and a good foreshadowed twist. Although I never expected it to go as far as it did, and I definitely didn't expect Karrys to die, kudos to you for killing off a main character this early on, and giving meaning to her death that defines Garrik's character. Well done.

Okay, now I'm just gonna list off random things that went through my head while reading:

The dialogue was mostly good, but I felt it jarred a bit during Garrik's conversation with Vardis, it had good foreshadowing, but just didn't fit right.

There needed to be more building tension and more anxiety from Garrik during the questioning, because as the whole riot and such seemed too sudden. The tone went from a calm with-butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling, to the adrenaline of a  pyromaniac with a flamethrower in a forest. In my humble opinion there should have been more rising action.

Where was Dren? He had a little cameo at the beginning then was gone. I like him and I think he needs more screentime(not just this chapter either, but throughout the book).

The use of the Will was cool. I'm always a sucker for uncontrolled burst of angry power that burns everything and everyone, it was uber neato. Right amount of chaos felt and described, but I could still follow everything.

Would it take half a day to dig a grave?

When he had finished he swore he would never shed another tear

, sorry, but it sounds really cliche. But I can forgive it, cause it's his character swearing it, not you, but still...

He left it buried there in the dirt with his past, his youth. As far as he was concerned he had died too. Garrik was gone.

. This was too telly, in my opinion. Rather than saying all this, maybe just say the first sentence, the rest I want to see in his character and interactions later on. You don't need to tell us, it sounds too cliche and overly dramatic without evidence.

nice ending.

That's about it...Great chapter, but I think it has potential to be more mind shattering and such, I can't wait to see a 3rd or 4th draft version of this chapter(I probably never will, but whatevs) because it will be epic. I really like the direction this is going in, and I like the characters a lot, can't wait to see what happens with Garrik and the Drakkin

[swaindaddy]

I agree wholeheartedly with all of your points. As a first draft I really put a bit into it but as you pointed out havent got it right totally yet. Your input will be helpful. I agree with each of the cliche elements as well. Tends to happen when first drafting - I will address.

As for Dren - don't worry he will get more time in draft to, perhaps enough that he has almost equal time with Garrik - almost.

I will say this - With Garrik missing Vardis will use an old law to raise Dren to the throne in the mean time. Crazy stuff.

Thanks for the input.

[RavenstarRHJF]

Ok, so... funny story.  I was in the middle of reading your submission when I was rudely interrupted.  I didn't get to come back to it for a while, and somewhere along the line I convinced myself that I had actually finished reading it.  I was halfway through a critique lambasting you for stopping in the middle of the ceremony when I went back to the submission for a detail... and then erased everything I'd written and felt sheepish.

Heh.  So, anyway... Great job with this one!  This is the first chapter after their encounter with the Gloaming Hand that actually left my heart pumping after reading it!

Very good job with Laecin.  He plays Garrik like a fiddle.  But I can't help wondering how he knew that Garrik had overheard... I thought the only people who knew were Karrys and Vardis.

It would be nice to know what the Talonguard is doing during the riot.  Surely they would try to contain the mob?

I can't help thinking that Garrik has lost any chance of becoming King peacefully now.  I mean, he swore that he would never put himself before the people of the King's Rule, and then he goes and burns them up in a fit of rage.  Not that I don't understand it or sympathize, but it's too obvious to be overlooked.

I am looking forward to learning about the Empire!

[swaindaddy]

Basicallly Laecin knew Garrik was outside his room listening because he used the will to do so. He didn't mind it because it helped plant the doubt in Garriks mind as well as locked him into that bad place with the Judgment. I'll be adding that somehow when Garrik talks to Vardis in the garden prior to the events.

As far as the putting himself before the people - we will find that he really didn't intend to blow up into a fiery ball but simply did not know how to control his anger and the Will. So he had no intention of killing anyone but his rage directed at Laecin resulted in the explosion. Also, he blames the people now for killing Karrys. That will be a driving factor in his character moving forward: Disdain for the King's Rule and it's politics and Karrys' death.

[Silk]

"he thought the king's eyes shined with anger" is overwritten. Just say he thought the king looked angry, or he thought he saw anger in the man's eyes, or something to that effect.

Page five, "...first bearing his soul" should be "baring". I know you're not too worried about grammar etc right now, but the spellcheck won't catch that one.

I'm not clear on how much impact the Judgement really has on Garrick's future. Do the people actually Judge Garrick, and does it actually have any bearing on whether or not he takes the throne? Or is it just ceremony, just formality? It's not something that you have to reveal right this second (I made this comment right after reading Laecin's speech, ending with "you are here to help judge whether or not this man, selected by the Rite of Eyes..."). In fact, it could be an interesting point of tension throughout the ceremony. But I would like to know one way or the other, probably not too long after the ceremony is finished.

Page seven, "Garrick almost sighed allowed" should be "aloud", another the spellcheck won't catch.

"Garrik may choose to have a royal stand by him in the judgment. The rules allow for a sitting High Duke or Duchess to vouch for the heir in the case of questionable candidates." I'm not too sure what I think of this failsafe, but I don't really know if it makes sense.

Hmmm. So it feels like the story has taken a major turn here. That's fine, good even. But with all the focus on castle life and so forth up until now, it probably wouldn't hurt to add a little bit of foreshadowing.

Also, I hope that it's not TOO major a turn. By which I mean, I hope that this isn't the main storyline's inciting incident--I want to see all those other chapters we've read be relevent and pay off in a way that's more than just getting us to the Judgement so that the real story can start.

Of course, I don't have the rest of the story in my hands, so I don't know what focus you put on events outside of the castle versus events in the castle, and I don't know how much of the story is left at this point. It could be that if I were holding a finished novel in my hands and knew there were only X many pages to go, I wouldn't be worried. As is I wouldn't call this a dealbreaker by any means; it just seems like the focus of the book could be shifting a little too much (or  that there was too much focus on some of the earlier stuff).

Anyway, hope that all made sense. Worries about pacing/focus aside, I really appreciated this development.

Hamster made a good point about Dren vanishing. Kudos, Ham, I didn't even catch that one at the time. Hamster also asked if it would take half a day to dig a grave. Well, I've never tried to dig a grave, but one man with a shovel... I'd imagine it'd take a long time.

Ravenstar commented, "But I can't help wondering how he knew that Garrik had overheard... " I assume that Laecin MEANT Garrick to overhear. Some confirmation of that would be nice, though.

And that's all from me for now.

[Frog]

Hey Chris,

Just letting you know that I finally started plowing through your stuff. I am just writing down my general impressions of the individual chapters since you said in your emails that you don't want the nit picky stuff. I plan on submitting them all together in one post so I don't want to clutter up the forum, but I am at chp 9 right now, and will probably be caught up to give it all to you tomorrow or Thursday. So, yeah they are coming and they are going to be amazing so watch out.

[swaindaddy]

amazing - that's a strong word there...
Look forward to it

[Silk]

"Amazing", she says. Watch out!

Chris, you might want to bring an umbrella.

[Frog]

It shall be 'amazing' simply because everything I do is amazing. It is quite distressing how much I have to remind people of that fact.

[swaindaddy]

Hah - umbrella in hand.