August 10, Miang, The Golem in the Town of Glass

[Recovering_Cynic]

So I've never reviewed for this site before, nor have I been reviewed, so here's hoping I'm not overly harsh or soft in my critique.  That being said, here are my thoughts on the short story:

The good:

1) The idea of a Golem tearing it up downtown is cool.  Kudos for a good idea for a story.

2) The action was clear and concise.  I knew exactly what happened, although a description of a police car getting crunched would be fun

The bad:

1) The introduction is confusing, and not in a good way.  You begin by describing a Golem in modern day, so yes, from the Golem's point of view, he would not understand much of what is going on or what he is seeing.  Because of that, the Golem could not accurately describe much of what she sees.  However, some things will be familiar (smells, people, common things that have not changed over the millenia, i.e. chairs, stone/pavement floors, light shining off metal etc.).  In the beginning your descriptions are vague, and it felt like you were trying hide the fact that the Golem was in modern day by purposefully being vague.  I would rather see you have the Golem describe the familiar as best she could before approaching the things she can't explain, or at least give a good mixture of the two.  Otherwise, it is hard to picture what is going on, which should not be the case.

2) The orientation in time was confusing.  After two reads, I finally figured out that the middle portion is a flashback that occurs before the opening scene.  I'm okay with flashbacks, but there needs to be some type of clue in the opening scene that previous action has occurred.  From the initial paragraph, I thought that for some bizarre reason this Golem had mysteriously awakened next to a bus stop.  There needs to be some cue letting us know that the Golem just arrived on the scene, and some idea of where he was or what he was doing before hand.

3) I needed some more background to explain the way the Golem is acting.  For example, where does she get her moral compass?  Why is killing humans bad if the humans are trying to harm her?  Why is it important that he obey the "rule" not to harm humans, but okay to break the rule of not breaking and entering?  Why can't the Golem recognize fear, or the fact the people might be afraid of it (surely not everyone back in Babylonian times saw a Golem everyday at lunch...)?  What is the Golem made of?  How can it cry?  Why does it breathe?  Why does it assume the bus is a monster and not a chariot?


Okay... I need to stop there.  I made copies on the original document using MS Word's track changes if the author wants me to send them to him.  I hope my comments helped   Oh, and I'm not trying to trash your story--I thought it was good--I just always dissect movies and books to make sense of them.  You don't have to answer all of the questions above, but some of them should be answered so that your reader is not confused.

Best of luck!

[Miang]

First off, I did forget to make a topic last night when I sent this out so thank you for that!

You weren't overly harsh by any means. I had concerns about this story, most of them centered on the issues you've raised and you managed to put them in perspective for me really well. I wouldn't mind seeing the notes you said you made . Thanks for the critique.

[RavenstarRHJF]

Yay for your first submission!  Those are always a little more special than the rest.

Like Cynic said, it's a great idea for a story.  But the way it is now, it's more confusing than anything else.  Some of the imagery, while poetic, only serves to confuse more.  I'd start with her in the museum, actually, instead of out on the street.  It establishes a better timeline, and makes more sense overall.

Some questions that I think need to be answered:
Why did the Golem wake up in the first place?
Once wakened, what is her goal? (seems kinda pointless to have her just wake up and not have anything preprogrammed)
Why could she understand the tour guide, but not ordinary people on the street?
What does she look like, what is she made of?

Also, given her Babylonian origins, you could have her reason using the code of Hammurabi.

Another minor thing: she's a golem, i.e. not human, nor organic.  Is it really likely she'd feel fatigue?  Or not know her own strength?

[Miang]

The code of Hammurabi is a great idea!

[Hamster]

I thought that it was really well done for the most part.

I enjoyed the confusion and the feeling of chaos that made it hard to picture everything, it worked well with what I think you were trying to accomplish.

I agree with Ravenstar that it should pick up at the museum though, just for some clarity(the whole flashback thre me for a spin for a little bit). Personally, I think that this would be a good story to expand into a full out novel than just a short story. It would give you a lot more ways to explore the origins and most of the questions that Ravenstar said you needed to answer.

I liked most of the imagery, and your prose is very solid, and overall, a very solid submission. Awesome first submission. Sorry if I was too nice(feels wierd apologizing for that) and didn't critique it enough, but most of what I would say as a critic was already said, so just read there stuff.

[Frog]

Hey Maing! Welcome to the group. I usually do some quick comments while I am reading with some nit picky stuff first, than give you my more general impressions, so here we go.

Thought While Reading:

Clanging, clacking and the million sounds made by people assaulted her ears.

Great, but you ruin it with the part I bolded. Either give me a specific sound they are making or leave that bit out.

behemoth

Nice, but I had to look it up and I am betting a lot of other people will too. A few more descriptive words right next to it would help everyone to visualize your monster at once before you add in the detail. At least help us classify it as a monster.

The golem gave an alarmed cry.

Passive tense doesn't fit here.

The golem could see that she had no weapon and none of the marks of a sorcerer. She would be no match before the behemoth.

Now I really want to know what the Gollem looks like.

“Come on, you bastard!

That seems too modern a phrase for a Gollem. Brings to mind an New York taxi driver

Just got that she is crushing cars. Very nice.

For the second time that day she felt her insides twist with the possibility of hurting a human.

This line didn't make a lot of since to me....

gutter Sumerian

is this another language than the one the other humans were using that she didn't understand?

Okay, the time line break didn't work for me. It made things awkward and very confusing. I think you have enough things happening here that you can put things linearly and build up the background of the golum.

I would like a more conclusive ending. What is the golem going to do now?

Overall impression:
I really liked the concept of this piece. A very confused golem set loose in the city? Now that is just cool. What I need here is a bit more background, some linear fixes to the time line and a more satisfying ending where we have a better idea on how thing will work out for our golem friend. Other than than that, all I can say is ditto to what the others have said. Great first submit, Miang!

[Silk]

I really like the premise of the story, and I think you could have a lot of fun describing familiar objects as things that are strange or foreign. You're doing a pretty good job as it is, but I wouldn't mind seeing a little more of it or maybe just a clarification of what is there--I had a fairly good idea of where you were going from the start, but I had a hard time getting specific images. I thought the behemoth standing really still was a statue, at first.

I didn't have too much trouble following the flashback, but I do agree that you could have signified it a little more clearly, and also alluded to some sort of "before" in your initial paragraph. I'd also thought that the golem had woken up somewhere and wandered out into the streets or something.

Other than those little hitches, I thought you described everything nicely, and I think you've got a good start for a story here.

...And I say start because I don't feel that the piece is finished yet. This feels like you could pick up right where you left off and continue the story. Which may not be what you want to do, but there needs to be some sort of--well, resolution is misleading because it sounds like I'm insisting that we know exactly what happens, which I'm not, necessarily.

I guess what I'm arguing for here is movement. You have an interesting character (and story) concept here, but there's no real growth or movement--the character needs to move, somehow, from a Point A to a Point B, and I'm not sure that from "confusion! panic! chaos!" to "safe for now" is enough.

Nice work overall, though.

[Recovering_Cynic]

Personally I like the word "Behemoth" and I think it's appropriate (and I didn't have to look it up).  I think that you do need to add some descriptors to it for those just learning the word, however, and also, you should use other words the next time you refer to the bus (Think hulking beast, or monstrosity, etc.).

[Miang]

Basically, what I am thinking from what I am getting here is that I simply let this get too short. When I was writing this piece I had a strict 1500 word maximum (it was originally for a writing class) which I still failed to stay under and I had to cut a couple of scenes that helped with some of the motivation/ moral compass issues being raised. Otherwise, the general confusion is exactly what I was concerned about. It could be expanded into a longer story -- maybe not a novel, but perhaps a longer short or a novelette. I have a couple of ideas for how that might work and I'm going to consider them. I"m also thinking now that the piece might work better from the first-person rather than third. I think that might allow me to keep the mystery and sense of wonder the golem feels while giving a broader understanding of what is happening and why to the reader. I'm definitely going to explore those possibilities. Everyone has been really helpful. Thank you!

[Silk]

It's not necessarily too short (so far as I'm concerned), just incomplete. But just making it into a longer story is definitely a valid option IMO.

[Miang]

I think lengthening it is probably my best option to explore the character. Brevity is not necessarily one of my strong suits.

[Silk]

Hah! Spoken like a true spec fic writer.

[ErikHolmes]

Ok, I loved the story. A Golem waking up in a modern city is just cool.

I do think that the story needs to be polished, but it a great start.

Changes I'd suggest:

Maybe drop the flashback. If the golem had woken up during a big auction like that, cops would be all over it the entire time.

I found the whole behemoth thing a little hard to swallow. It wasn't a big thing.

Give us at least a little description of the golem. Is she made of clay? Look like a statue or just a humanoid shaped clay person, etc.

Short stories are often about the ending. I think with your story you were giving us this golem, that was once a piece of this collection, she goes on a rampage, then ends up as part of another collection. I liked it, but give us an ending with more bang before you submit this to Writers of the Future. 

Right now just just seems like a girl who's woken up after a few thousand years. We have no idea as to her motivations, etc. Golems usually just follow orders. It might be interesting if she'd last been commanded to safeguard those other items of her master. Or maybe just one item. Maybe a book of scripture her master possessed, etc. I guess what I'm saying is, a human girl might freak out and run away if she woke up and a bunch of people started screaming. I don't see why it would bother the golem or why she'd leave.

Some interesting Golem trivia you might be interested in:

-Usually Golems (Jewish Golems anyway) were the possessions of very holy men.
-They had a name inscribed on their forehead. If you removed the first letter from this name, it would then spell the jewish word for death. This deactivated the golem. (So maybe someone at the museum was trying to restore the golem and actually touched up that first letter, awaking the golem).
-Traditionally, they could not speak. (I actually think your story might be better if the golem couldn't speak, but tried to motion, etc.)

Very nice story!

[Flo_the_G]

As far as I know, that inscribed name Erik mentioned is the hebrew word for truth, which is just one letter away from death, apparently - not that it really matters either way.

I fully agree that the premise is great. As is the fairly poetic prose, especially in the beginning.

I, too, read the beginning as the golem waking up just then and there, which made the flashback confusing (I wasn't even sure that it was a flashback, at first), and didn't help to establish the setting.  I got that those behemoths were supposed to be cars, but the way you describe the first one, it could be absolutely anything. Of course you should leave the reader guessing a bit, at first, to get a feel for the golem's confusion. But that only works up to a point, beyond which the only definite thing people will be able to say about the first scene will be "uh, so there's this golem..." 

So the first behemoth is a bus, or what? I honestly have no idea where to look for the paws on a bus. "Two paws" made me think motorcycle, to be honest, but it would have to have been quite a large one, then...

I think making it longer is a great idea. As Silk said, there's no movement - but you have a character that people want to see being moved. I know I do.