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« on: December 13, 2009, 02:23:19 AM »
Ok, now that I can think coherently:
I did really like this chapter. It has a much more immediate sense of conflict than the previous chapters have. It also gives us a definite idea of what exactly this story is going to be about (though of course, we knew that already from what you've told us).
It reads really really easily, which is a very good thing. There wasn't much to pull me out of the story, and a whole lot to pull me in. This is also a very good thing.
I have to agree with Chaos, this would make a good chapter 1, though you would have to slip in some tidbits during the chapter, like what hound venom is, etc.
I still am wondering how exactly Baltier survived, and why it was he ever thought he would be able to get into the city and not be suspected with an exile mark still on his head.
While Reading:
The brackets for the conversations with Bathsin are really annoying. Just use italics, and they work just fine as long as you don't have Jagoth thinking to himself too much in here as well as her talking to him.
So Jagoth hires a bunch of criminals to get into the city, thinking that they'll be able to pose as noble servants, and he as a noble? That was dumb of him. Furthermore, why don't the soldiers notice anything weird with these random thugs who don't really look like noble's servants?
Jagoth comes across as really hard, and yet he's musing about how he doesn't kill women and children any longer? Why not have the Baltier alter ego think these thoughts, as they seem more appropriate? It seems a little odd to have all this stuff going on in his head, all the potential for internal conflict, and not make full use of it.
Jagoth is no longer human? I guess that makes sense with the hound thing, but still. Since we don't know how Bal survived, I'm getting this sort of zombie vibe, which I'm fairly certain is not what you're going for.
Again with the annoying formatting! Underline or italics, not both! Particularly not underlining, italics, and italics with brackets....
Totally random, but it just occured to me that if Baltier survived, is it not possible that his family might have? Apparently not, since he still wants revenge, but still...
The line about how it never hurts to flatter a soldier, calling him Captain instead of Lieutenant, is one of the most overused in fantasy, in my opinion. If you must use it, use it in a different way, since it comes across as really cliche.
You call the lieutenant a captain several times, even after everybody knows that he's only a lieutenant.
How close together are all of these soldiers? In the first description of them you gave us, it seemed like they were all really close, letting only a few people through at a time, but here (Where Jagoth kills the lieutenant, then the other soldiers start attacking) it seems like they're on opposite sides of an extremely wide street. I guess the really question is actually how wide the street is, since you've mentioned they're on opposite sides of it.
Jagoth has a holy crapload of daggers! Where is he keeping all of these things? He kills like fifteen to twenty guys, and never once retrieves a knife that we see. I'm not really seeing anybody carrying around that many knives without some of them being visible, let alone easily accessible. For him to get to them and throw them that quickly, I'd say a maximum of eight or nine knives unless we can see how he does it. Otherwise I'm assuming they're within a coat, up a sleeve, etc, and I can't really think of that many places he would have a knife.
I love where you compare Jagoth to a social butterfly at a dance. The stark contrast of the metaphor made it really effective, in my opinion.
Once Jagoth is holding the sword, I imagine he would stop thinking of it as the officer's sword. It would just be, "the sword," or maybe even, "his sword." Not that this is a big issue, and may not even be the case, but just a thought.
Again, we've seen that Jagoth is cold and hard, and Baltier is not. I don't see why you have Jagoth hesitating or feeling sad that he's killing people. I'd much rather see Jagoth be cold and hard, and the Baltier alter-ego takes some measure of control. Like Baltier couldn't bear to do the stuff he has, so he formed a completely hard alter-ego, but sometimes takes control again, you know?
When did the soldiers multiply? Didn't we start with seven, and yet we have, "eleven men died" right after he's already killed several of the soldiers. Jagoth only has five guys to kill, and one of them didn't die (charles). That leaves us with seven soldiers, the same number (including the lieutenant) that we had before any of this started. And where exactly did the crossbowmen come from? Were they already there and I just missed it?
Why exactly did the guard try to deflect the bag with his sword? That's kind of stupid. Furthermore, why did Jagoth think that he would, since it seems like if someone threw a bag at me, I would either catch it, or if I suspected it was dangerous and get out of the way. It seems more like Jagoth would make a small cut, then carefully throw it that way so that it sprayed venom on the guy. Or he could just kill him in the conventional way....
Why doesn't Jagoth just try to blend in with the crowd, instead of posing as a noble? It seems to me that in a throng like this supposedly is, it would be easier to blend and/or sneak in than if you were pretending to be some pompous noble.
*****
Well, if you look at my comments, they're mostly fairly small line-level type stuff, so I have very few complaints. Since I caught most of my line-level stuff here, I won't bother sending them to you.
I like this scene. A lot. And thinking about it, I think I like knowing that Jagoth is Baltier. It does make it more fun to read. You could still do the parallel storylines thing, though it wouldn't have quite the tension this does.
You now quite thoroughly have my attention. I look forward with great anticipation to the next installment.