The problem with sisters

[MsFish]

So, my 17 year old sister is dating a 29 year old guy.  

That makes him 6 years older than me, and she's six years younger than me.  

They've been sort of kind of not really officially yet still dating for over a year.  And right now they're "talking" (whatever) in my living room.  Akk.  

I only bring this up because though I've talked to her about it, I have to be careful what I say because I don't want to shut down the lines of communcation between us, because that wouldn't do anybody any good.  Besides that, I can't really talk to anybody around here about it because they all know her.  This is probably not the best place to do this, but I need some support in my outrage here.  

*screams

I mean, he's a nice guy.  Granted, he's not someone I would choose to hang out with, but if I were in a situation where I was hanging out with him, I wouldn't mind, because he's not repulsive or anything.  But he's 29!  Am I wrong to say that that's not okay?

My parents say she can't date him, but it's like, if we don't talk about it, then it's not happening even though it is happening, which is pretty much how my parents are with everything.  But that's another rant.  

I think this is why I live in Utah, while my family lives in California.  It's only been a week, and the madness is starting to go to my head.  I want to be helpful and not just enable my sister to be stupid, but I really really really just don't know what to do at this point.  

[Master Xaio]

I suppose this wouldn't be an appropriate time to point out how much I love being an only child?

[EUOL]

Gotta hate those 29 year old guys.

[Entsuropi]

Don't you think you are over-reacting just a little? So what if he is a decade older than her? People get married who are 30 years apart in age. A decade isn't that much, not in the scope of choosing who to spend your life with. You mormons are the ones who were having that big debate on true love and so forth. Is that to be regarded as something to strictly define with age groups and such?

And before anyone gets on my ass: I don't think it would have been appropriate if she was younger, like 15. But she is on the boundry of adulthood, as defined by UK law at least.

[Archon]

Doesn't it suck when you are in one of those situations where you know that you are right, but everyone else just tells you to stop making such a big deal out of it? Anyway, I agree with you, but I don't know that there is a whole lot that you can do about it, other than talk to her, or, try talking to him. You said he's a nice enough guy, ask him what he thinks about the whole deal, and then explain to him your concern, and see if you can get him to understand. It doesn't sound like they are too terribly serious yet, so he might just back off. Other than that, I don't have any other ideas, as of yet.

[Entsuropi]

I wish I was an old grizzled guy so I could say about Archon 'The kids got a real lot of attitude' convincingly.

[Archon]

Well, your lack of aging and grizzle is probably more than made up for by the fact that you wouldnt encounter a lot of people who would disagree.  

[MsFish]

Am I overreacting?

Well, it depends on what you mean.  I've said nothing overtly negative to her.  I'm friendly to him.  My sister and I have talked about it alot, and she agrees with me that it's not a great situation.  So, no, I don't think I'm really overreacting.  I probably sound like I am, because I'm being dramatic about it, and I know it, and I don't care.  But she's my baby sister, for goodness sakes, and he's got some issues.  

And I'm not saying anything negative about 29 year old guys, just ones who date 17 year old girls.  

[Archon]

Oh boy. I have to ask, if she agrees that it isn't a great situation, then why is she still in it?

[42]

Fish, I actually think you have the right perspective. Your sister is too young to be dating someone that much older than her. He she were 23 or something like that, it wouldn't be so bad. But she really isn't old enough or experienced enough to make mature decisions about these sort of things. At least that is my opinion.

One of my older brother did marry a girl a decade younger than him, but she was 25 at the time. If she were younger, I'm sure there would be many issues brought up.

Personally, I think people shouldn't date anyone seriously until they are at least 21. Before that, you just date to meet people and have fun.

[fuzzyoctopus]

I'm just going to offer my sympathy, Fish.  I did some stupid crap at 17 and 18 and some of it involved older guys.  The problem is just at that age you're still pretty insecure and well.... just dumb.

[MsFish]

Thanks guys.  

I've been thinking about this alot this morning.  I did some pretty stupid stuff when I was 16 and 17 too...and maybe that's part of my problem.  I don't want her to screw up her life.  

Also, like 42 said, it's not so much the age difference as the fact that she's so young...she doesn't need to get herself involved in a life she's not ready for (especially since neither my sister nor this guy are LDS.)  They are operating on a whole different set of values--a set I know too well--and that scares me.  

Also, when my parents got together, my mom was 18 and my dad was 28.  Maybe that's part of why my parents don't say anything.  But then there's this part of me that wants to scream, Don't be stupid!  Don't do things the way our parents did!  Are you crazy?  Do you want that?

But that's not productive, so I only scream it to myself.  

[Eagle Prince]

Maybe I'm just oldschool, but if it was my sister he'd get a few in the face.

[Oldie Black Witch]

Scream and rant away, Fish. And I agree with you: that's NOT okay.

Since you've talked with her about it and made it clear that you're worried, it sounds like you've done everything you can.

My brother has been dating a woman who is about 10 years older than he is for about two years now, but he's 24 and is old enough to know better. She's a great girl, but my brother is still immature and oblivious about some things: like the fact that she was looking at him very pointedly while hugging my kids and saying how cute they are. If he keeps on being so oblivious, I wouldn't put it past her to suddenly have a big bundle of wake-up call coming. But that's another rant.

I actually dated an older guy when I was 16. He was seven years older, and in retrospect, I was a complete idiot. I'm convinced that even the most mature teenagers still do stupid things.

I know you don't want to see her get hurt, but you also can't boss her around (as much) anymore now that you're not living at home. "You're not my mother" and all that. Just let her know that you care, you don't want to see her get horribly hurt and have her future crippled, and that you're there for her. She's old enough to make her own decision.

Then again, maybe she just needs someone to push her in the right direction and help give her the nerve to cut him loose.

So, what does she see in this guy, anyway?

[Archon]

I'm convinced that even the most mature teenagers still do stupid things.  

Hey! Don't group me in with the rest of teenage kind. I don't belong.