Timewaster's Guide Archive

Firstly i would like to say that overall the readability of your story is very high, in that the prose is clear and concise for the most part. two small things, i mentioned before the word chuckles, i saw it pop up a few times more and decided the reason i dont like it is because it is a "hard" word having both a "ch" and "ck". some times a laughed softly or small laugh or laughed under his breath may work better. Also i saw a few swifties: "Now he understands!" Eduardo exclaimed.

This may be a wrighting group-ism but i'm starting to want more info on the magic system, you have done a very good job setting up Venice and dropping small hints that this is a world that is very similar to, but not earth. I think we need to start seeing what makes this world so diffrent from ours. again though, this might just be because we have to wait a week between chapters.

thanks fireflys, yes the prologue was re-worked a couple times (being the only thing my wife read) and the rest of the piece has only been lightly re-written.

thanks asmo, looks like i will have to re-write from the ground up!

hopefuly edits should be done by monday, and i would like to submit as well.

Still liking the story and pacing, and the balance of description to story is perfect.

I noticed in this section you used the word chuckled alot, and sometimes it seemed out of place. I guess I feel that as a cold one mathieu is a bit aloof yet he is always chuckling.

I have not seen an actual fencing match but from my understanding of rapiers they are long thin blades that would have a hard time denting metal. Also I have a hard time believing that you could put enough force behind a thrust with one to knock some one down.
 
I really liked what you did with mena. Having her guide her opponent to easy win conditions and what mathieu did to break her of that.

Can't wait for next weeks installment.

I am enjoying the story very much, however a few things keep poping me out.

1. as a french speaker, the combination of your protags name ( a french spelling) and all the chars saying "non" the first "Si" threw me for a loop, and continued to for a while until i got into the flow of the story ( though i still think of Mathieu as french)

2. the language, i am far from a prude, i swear worse then a sailor and have corupted my poor wife. however the language just rips me from the stroy somehow. Perhaps if you put it in italian as well.

3. personaly was not a fan of the quick future tense scene, especialy because it came to fruition only a couple of pages later. also, the scene with the Doga, could not tell if it was happening in reality or if the Doga contacted him in a dream.

4. cant get a grasp of the world as a whole, seems like there is some magic with the humours but other then that it seems like earth, with italy fighting france....

i like how you keep sprinkling what i assume to be the magic. the way you present it is very natural as it all comes from the Protag's musings.

as i said, the story has me drawn in, cant wait to read more!

sounds like you are heading in the right direction. couple more points on POV. generaly you want to spend a good chunk of time in one POV to creat an attachment to the reader, at a minimum a half chapter. the only exception i have ever seen to this is in Towers of Midnight Brandon did a "Ping pong match" between two characters doing "quick cuts" back and forth between two PoV's to ratchet up tension. (at least that was his intent, didnt work for me personaly)

Im not sure what other series you have read, but most even with multiple PoV's (like wheel of time) start off with only one for a good chunk (half way mark for eye of the world, we get our first PoV change)

like i said, sounds like you are on the right track and cant wait to see more!

Hello my name is Robert Moreau. as a new years resolution, i resolved to finish the book i have been working on for the last year or so (currently sitting at 20k). I met with a nice guy in line for the Way of Kings signing in San Diego and he mentioned that there was a great writing group here at time wasters.

I live in Los Angeles, with my wife and dog. I work in a hotel (used to do graveyard, god i wish i had wanted to write back then...). My bookshelf is filled mostly with fantasy and sci-fi, i tend to find an author i like and try and read everything that person has published (Asimov, Card, Feist, Jordan, Rice, Rowling, Sanderson) though recently i have been trying to branch out and read some others.

The novel im working on right now is a sci-fi near future earth. Alot of it is cliche, but im not too worried about that at this point as im not entirely convinced i can write a novel length manuscript!

Can't wait to see what everyone else is up to!