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Messages - halo6819

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Firstly i would like to say that overall the readability of your story is very high, in that the prose is clear and concise for the most part. two small things, i mentioned before the word chuckles, i saw it pop up a few times more and decided the reason i dont like it is because it is a "hard" word having both a "ch" and "ck". some times a laughed softly or small laugh or laughed under his breath may work better. Also i saw a few swifties: "Now he understands!" Eduardo exclaimed.

This may be a wrighting group-ism but i'm starting to want more info on the magic system, you have done a very good job setting up Venice and dropping small hints that this is a world that is very similar to, but not earth. I think we need to start seeing what makes this world so diffrent from ours. again though, this might just be because we have to wait a week between chapters.

oops halo was an artifact from earlier draft, thanks for catching it!

thanks fireflys, yes the prologue was re-worked a couple times (being the only thing my wife read) and the rest of the piece has only been lightly re-written.

good point on the ip adress, as a computer nerd, i should at least make it at least 8, thanks for pointing it out!

as for the rest, ill have some major questions after chapter four or so. ill keep submitting what i already wrote and try and re work this chapter from the ground up for a later date.

thanks asmo, looks like i will have to re-write from the ground up!

thanks for the tip on the structure, didnt realize i was so abrupt. an ex girlfriend of mine once said my writing constantly begs for semi-colons, but even after reading i still get nervous.

your right i did lift the line from RJ about death taking them, i always liked it, next draft i will work on giving it the same meaning with different words...

also you have good reason to be concerned about the girl, in my .5 draft i realized the same thing and re-wrote a bunch :)

thanks for all the tips!

Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: January 22, 2011, 05:52:46 PM »
hopefuly edits should be done by monday, and i would like to submit as well.

Thanks fireflyz!

i hadn't even noticed the passive voice! It is officialy on notice, and hopefuly i can eliminate it from the next chapter before submission date. PLEASE be mercyless in pointing it out to me as I have a hard time recognizing it myself.

i was wondering about the underlining as well. The two main books on writing that i have read are stephen kings and OSC's. however, cards was written in the 80's or early 90's and even kings was late 90's and i know the style guides have changed alot since then. any tips on where to find updated ones?

Thanks again for reading, hope the next chapter does not dissapoint!

Reading Excuses / Re: ReadingExcuses-0117-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH4-VLS
« on: January 17, 2011, 08:53:09 AM »
Still liking the story and pacing, and the balance of description to story is perfect.

I noticed in this section you used the word chuckled alot, and sometimes it seemed out of place. I guess I feel that as a cold one mathieu is a bit aloof yet he is always chuckling.

I have not seen an actual fencing match but from my understanding of rapiers they are long thin blades that would have a hard time denting metal. Also I have a hard time believing that you could put enough force behind a thrust with one to knock some one down.
I really liked what you did with mena. Having her guide her opponent to easy win conditions and what mathieu did to break her of that.

Can't wait for next weeks installment.

Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: January 17, 2011, 04:40:28 AM »
Ahhh! i feel like an arse as i sent the e-mail before posting here! so sorry!

I guess this serves as my I would like to/I have already posted for the week....

I am enjoying the story very much, however a few things keep poping me out.

1. as a french speaker, the combination of your protags name ( a french spelling) and all the chars saying "non" the first "Si" threw me for a loop, and continued to for a while until i got into the flow of the story ( though i still think of Mathieu as french)

2. the language, i am far from a prude, i swear worse then a sailor and have corupted my poor wife. however the language just rips me from the stroy somehow. Perhaps if you put it in italian as well.

3. personaly was not a fan of the quick future tense scene, especialy because it came to fruition only a couple of pages later. also, the scene with the Doga, could not tell if it was happening in reality or if the Doga contacted him in a dream.

4. cant get a grasp of the world as a whole, seems like there is some magic with the humours but other then that it seems like earth, with italy fighting france....

i like how you keep sprinkling what i assume to be the magic. the way you present it is very natural as it all comes from the Protag's musings.

as i said, the story has me drawn in, cant wait to read more!

Reading Excuses / ReadingExcuses-0117-Halo6819-ProjectStyx-Prologue-VL
« on: January 17, 2011, 03:54:44 AM »
All comments, concerns, and slander welcome!

sounds like you are heading in the right direction. couple more points on POV. generaly you want to spend a good chunk of time in one POV to creat an attachment to the reader, at a minimum a half chapter. the only exception i have ever seen to this is in Towers of Midnight Brandon did a "Ping pong match" between two characters doing "quick cuts" back and forth between two PoV's to ratchet up tension. (at least that was his intent, didnt work for me personaly)

Im not sure what other series you have read, but most even with multiple PoV's (like wheel of time) start off with only one for a good chunk (half way mark for eye of the world, we get our first PoV change)

like i said, sounds like you are on the right track and cant wait to see more!

im currently about about half way through right now. First i would like to say i like the char concepts and i think you do a good job describing them. The language you use is very, well pretty is the word that comes to mind, if a bit verbose, could defiantly use the 10% cut.

as others have said, the pov seems to switch every couple of paragraphs without much deliniation. if you are switching POV's on purpose seperate them like this
new POV.

if its not on purpose, then watch describing other peoples feelings while we are in Anno's POV.

also, Anno makes some refrences to things that i wonder how she knows about as she is a new comer to this planet (as we are!) how does she know about the bassilica of cerberus and who studies there and what they study, from the next few paragraphs we learn that she is a new arrival with little memories of the past.

in the paragraph that starts "shrieks  cut the air" you address the reader in a metaphor.

Over all i like the charactors and their quirks, but sometimes the over written descriptions and PoV errors pull me out.

Great first chapter KEEP IT COMING!

Reading Excuses / Re: Your Background
« on: January 07, 2011, 07:48:16 PM »
Hello my name is Robert Moreau. as a new years resolution, i resolved to finish the book i have been working on for the last year or so (currently sitting at 20k). I met with a nice guy in line for the Way of Kings signing in San Diego and he mentioned that there was a great writing group here at time wasters.

I live in Los Angeles, with my wife and dog. I work in a hotel (used to do graveyard, god i wish i had wanted to write back then...). My bookshelf is filled mostly with fantasy and sci-fi, i tend to find an author i like and try and read everything that person has published (Asimov, Card, Feist, Jordan, Rice, Rowling, Sanderson) though recently i have been trying to branch out and read some others.

The novel im working on right now is a sci-fi near future earth. Alot of it is cliche, but im not too worried about that at this point as im not entirely convinced i can write a novel length manuscript!

Can't wait to see what everyone else is up to!

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