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Reading Excuses / Re: Feb 28th - akoebel - The Fifth Compendium Prologue
« on: March 05, 2011, 11:45:11 PM »
Sorry for the late reply, busy week.
I think that right now your biggest enemy is passive voice. There is a ton of "was running" , "had feared", etc. It won't take much effort to turn that into ran, feared, etc. I believe you said this was your first novel. It's common for the first novel to be filled with passive voice. I think it's a subconcious way for the writer to distance themselves from the work.
I can't imagine writing in a second language. So congrats on that! This is better than some novels I've seen from English writers. I think your second biggest enemy is telling the reader instead of showing. There is a lot of exposition in this prologue. As the vast majority of the prologue is a chase scene, I think you should trim this down. Shorten the sentences, especially when the action is taking place. This will help speed up the read and aid the reader in feeling the frantic panic of the protagonist.
I think that those two changes alone will vastly improve the prologue. As first works go, it wasn't bad at all. Oh, and I'm pretty sure by how worried she was about the book falling into their hands, that she definitely didn't leave the library with the tome in question. Well done, if you've made some first time readers wonder, that's always a good sign!
I think that right now your biggest enemy is passive voice. There is a ton of "was running" , "had feared", etc. It won't take much effort to turn that into ran, feared, etc. I believe you said this was your first novel. It's common for the first novel to be filled with passive voice. I think it's a subconcious way for the writer to distance themselves from the work.
I can't imagine writing in a second language. So congrats on that! This is better than some novels I've seen from English writers. I think your second biggest enemy is telling the reader instead of showing. There is a lot of exposition in this prologue. As the vast majority of the prologue is a chase scene, I think you should trim this down. Shorten the sentences, especially when the action is taking place. This will help speed up the read and aid the reader in feeling the frantic panic of the protagonist.
I think that those two changes alone will vastly improve the prologue. As first works go, it wasn't bad at all. Oh, and I'm pretty sure by how worried she was about the book falling into their hands, that she definitely didn't leave the library with the tome in question. Well done, if you've made some first time readers wonder, that's always a good sign!