Timewaster's Guide Archive

Summary:

Prologue:  In Media Res
  The prologue introduces us to Mathieu Bragadin, the protagonist.  As the title suggests, the reader is thrown into the midst of the conflict.

 

 CH1:  What Does a Man Do?
  Mathieu is finally returning home with the army.  His entire life has been spent serving in the armies of the Doge.  The Doge's daughter (Doga) has recently made peace and is calling the army home to be mustered out.  As his comrades celebrate, Mathieu finds himself questioning his future in this new era of peace.

@ Hubay and others

I agree with the metaphor usage.  One of those issues where I was too close to the story to really see it until it was pointed out.  So thanks for the help with that.  I am not bothered by the usage of match twice, although "box" probably would be better.

@Hubay
  I see where you're coming from with the backstory.  In this case I feel that I was able to escape without crossing the line, but if even a few "hems of my clothing" appeared while Greg was providing his backstory then I need to rework it so that doesn't show.  I wanted to tell it from Greg's perspective because I want the reader to understand where he is coming from.  Even if I, the writer, don't completely agree with him, I wanted to give him a fair shake.

@Derby
  I tend to overuse names when I'm first writing a character.  I think this is due in part to two things.  First, using the name helps me sink into the character.  Secondly, I believe that subconciously I'm worried that the reader won't be able to recognize who is speaking.  Neither are good enough reasons to keep hammering home Greg's name.  Will definitely work to limit that.  Thanks, I'm glad you liked it.

@Erongal
  Thanks for the feedback!  I'm glad you enjoyed my story.  The author is George R.R. Martin.  He published his last novel in his A Song of Ice and Fire Series in 2005.  He said that it took awhile to come out because he ran into some problems and decided to cut the book in half.  The next novel was partially finished and would follow shortly.  Since then he's complained about a "knot" he can't unravel.  While he hasn't been able to finish the next novel he's edited several works, produced various anthologies, written comics, developed an HBO series for his books, and spent plenty of time at conventions and other events.  There is a split among his fans.  Some think he's being lazy and collecting royalties that are due in part to the promise of a series, not a few books.  Others think that he should be given all the time in the world and that artists can't be rushed.  Me personally, I fall somewhere in the middle.  I can't begin to fathom the complexities of the world he's created and the direction he's trying to take it in.  On the other hand, I have to think that traveling around the country and world for a few months out of every year and working on numerous side projects can't be helping him finish it any faster.  And he's living comfortably off of money that I paid with the knowledge that I would be reading a Series, not stand alones.  All IMHO.

@Raven
I'm glad you liked it    Greg puked because the world spun before him so swiftly that it made him ill.  I wanted to be vague enough with the characters that they would appeal to those unfamiliar with the stories.  Also, while the characters are mostly loosely based on real characters in his novels, their words and actions are not true to the physical characters portrayed.  If that makes any sense.  The closest is probably the Drowned Lady.  I'm not offended by the fanfic comment, though honestly I didn't intend that and it never occurred to me.  I picture him with his chin against his chest and his beard bunching up so that his words are mumbled through a forest of hair.  I'll have to work on better conveying that image to the reader.  Thanks!

I'm just going to echo the others.  Slang, when used properly, can help pull the readers into the story.  In this case there was so much slang that it left me confused.  I haven't read alot of the genre you're writing in so perhaps its possible that those who have would pick up your terminology immediately.  I would suggest cutting back on the slang.  A few words are enough to give the reader a "flavor" of your world.  If this is to be a novel, then slang can be introduced at a much more gradual pace.  As it is, it makes the learning curve very steep in the beginning.

The tense changes are really murdering your writing.  Every time there is a change it pulls the reader out of the story.  Also, you seem to be slipping in and out of third person limited.  I think you need to decide one way or the other, and stick with that POV. 

You tend to describe things overmuch.  For example, you wrote, "This left Jobber the few scant moments he needed to swipe the box and dart out of the gang’s snoozer."  I would write, "This left Jobber the few moments he needed..."  or better yet, "Temporarily forgotten, Jobber swiped the box and darted out of the gang's snoozer."

Your sentences are overlong and tend to be passive.  A good rule of thumb, IMO is to strive for sentences of no more than ten words.  Short, concise senteces tends to equal better sentences. 

I liked the story, I hope I'm not coming off as harsh.  I think with some editing, focusing on tense, description, and sentence length, it shows a lot of promise.  Just my two cents.

I'd be interesting in submitting a short story on monday if that's alright.