Timewaster's Guide Archive

Sorry this is so late... been swamped lately.

For a first draft (in general) it was alright.  Yeah, it was sorta choppy and some of the transitions didn't make much sense, but these are all things you can fix in rewrite.

In particular, and I know it's been mentioned before, the shift from the main goal of survival and/or return to the city to accepting a position as medium comes at you from out of nowhere.  (I'm trying REALLY hard not to give plot related advice anymore, i.e. suggestions, so I'm going to stop there. )

Ok, don't be put off by the fact that this is YA... but you asked for Scandinavian Trolls done well, and East by Edith Pattou (I think) fits the bill.  It's not dark, but it's not all rainbows and light either.  If nothing else, pick up the book and at least scan the sections that describe the trolls and their society.

Hey Erik! 

Pretty nice first submission.  I like the plot so far.  My main issue right now (and I take into account that this is a first draft, and you're already revising) is your prose in general.  It just seems... like a first draft.  Like you were just getting your ideas onto the page, and not worrying about artistry.  Call me a snob, but it grated.   (granted, you've probably got more of your story written now than I will in the next two months, simply because you're willing to use sloppy prose on a first draft, so don't take it too hard )

Glad to hear you're working on revising the intro with more character development!

I, too, feel like Ellie's intro should occur in the same time frame.  At the very least, you should move Ch. 3 to the no. 2 spot- Kail riding off on a motorcycle is a much better point to leave off than right before he escapes from the office building.  And again with the prose thing... although in this case, it's almost like you don't fully realize who she is yet, so the way you write her naturally feels... unnatural.  Especially so in her interactions with Sonja.  Also, who is Jack?  Kail's Dad?

I like the way you have magic make him feel cold.  He doesn't know it's magic yet, but the reader can make the jump quite easily.

The section of the wall I had just touched swung back easily like it was on hinges, revealing what it had hidden.

Yes, but what was it hiding?!  A shallow compartment?  A movie theatre-size space?  You don't give us any hint of the actual dimensions of the room, other than it's obviously big enough to house a desk, a table, and a bookcase with room to move about between them.  But take into consideration that this is an apartment- that means standard configurations in each living space.  If it's a big room, give some clue, like how the walk-in closet is shallower than he's expecting, or something like that.   Sorry for the rant.  That one sentence just really bugged me.

The wolf-something or other- have you thought about a cape made from the pelt?  That could have several applications in a magical setting... just suggesting, since you seem to be having trouble with that.  Feel free to ignore! 

Other than that, it's shaping up to be a great story!  Looking forward to more.

It's pretty clear that the wolf part of him is dominant, rather than the human part- which is what we see most in werewolf stories, so, nice take!

One suggestion: if you're going to use first person present, a normal paragraph format seems... odd.  I don't know if that is one of the requirements of the submission, but if you changed it to a line by line it might flow better.

I don't know if you meant him to come across quite so cute and cuddly.  If you did, that's fine, but if you want to emphasize an alpha-wolf mentality, you might want to change the wording of certain passages- like where he's marking territory, or playing with the water bugs.  Alternatively, you could use those places to play up the passive-aggressive human side of him.

Nice little story, all things considered!

Am I the only one who didn't get a submission from either Sortitus or Chaos?

It's... unlikely.  I have known women who reason primarily logically instead of emotionally, but usually they also have some sort of training in that, i.e. debate, and etc.  Logic could reach her, and could help her to calm down, but not that quickly, and she would likely have to nerve herself to follow Hafona back to camp.

Critique will follow later, when my mind has started working again.

Great chapters!  I thought the narrator transitioned better this time.

I also liked the artistry with the waking and dreaming parts of Aric's journey to land.  You may want to add some hints that time is passing though; just a sentence here or there about the sun burning down on his head.  You already have plenty about the stars and moon (very well done, I might add!).

One of the things that really got me was the continued reiteration that he was bone-deep cold.  Now, I get that he was in water for at least two to three days, and that he probably has hypothermia because of that.  But wouldn't he warm up pretty quickly if he was moving around in the sun for a whole day?  Now, granted, he's got sunburn (and I'm actually surprised he doesn't have sunstroke what with the lack of fresh water the last couple of days) which would mean he'd get cold pretty fast after the sun went down.  But while it's still up? Meh, I don't know about that one.  You could explain it by saying he's got fever from the combination of sunstroke, hypothermia, and lack of fresh water.  Oh, and shock, let's not forget that he's in shock over what's happened...

And that's another thing.  He hasn't had anything to drink for a long time.  Wouldn't the first thing he did be to find a source of fresh water?

I didn't have so much of a problem with him sitting there holding a stranger's dead body for a while- at the very least, you described it well.  A couple of hours would be a bit long for a complete stranger, but maybe you could have him find Pellis' body or something like that (unless he shows up again later).

I vaguely remember him not managing to get off all of his armor.  Did I miss something, or is there a reason he wouldn't try to use what he still had to start a fire?  Trying to get sparks by scraping the edge against a stone would seem like an easier way than rubbing sticks together.

Overall, very nice chapters!

Wow... congratulations to the lucky five- whoever they may turn out to be.  I haven't been around long enough to really qualify to either nominate or vote, but... wow.  Just wow!