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Messages - RavenstarRHJF

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1
Writing Group / Re: Writing Prompts!
« on: March 08, 2011, 04:25:24 AM »
Most of the time I don't do the writing prompts featured on the WE podcast, but this one just kinda popped into my head while listening, so I gave it a shot.  I apologize in advance to the Steve Pollaskis of the world. :)

Writing Excuses Prompt, Episode 5.27


“He should have been killed at birth.  I say that, and I used to be pro-life.  Now, of course, there’s no longer any choice at all.

But seriously- he should have been killed at birth.  Why? Are you kidding me? 

He only doomed us all!

Who?  Who?!  Oh, for.. Steve Pollaski, that’s who!  He was only on the NY Times best-sellers list for three months!  Don’t you read?  Anything?

Look, the stupid idiot wrote a standard science fiction alien invasion book.  Ok, not a big deal right?  There are hundreds of them, millions even!  There’re a dozen different iterations, a thousand subversions, and half a million cross-overs in that subgenre alone! 

Ah, but this one, this one is the one that went viral.  Idiot!

As if it weren’t enough that information-age brats put up snarky websites detailing-detailing, I say- the best ways in which to become supreme overlords!  No!  Of course not!  This idiot, this maggot, feeding off the excrement of popular media, had to go and put his damn book out and doom. us. all!

Oh, I see.  You think I’m overreacting.

HAVE YOU TAKEN A LOOK AROUND LATELY?!

Can you not SEE the GIANT ALIEN SPACESHIP taking up 80% of the sky?!  God, I am surrounded by morons!  Can you do something about that?  Please?!!

Oh don’t give me that look- who believes in aliens, I ask you?  And yet, there they are.  Right there.  With their pointy disintegration… thingies.  And their buzzy flappy things that shoot lightning…  You’re seriously gonna stand there and tell me God doesn’t exist after seeing things like that?  Well to each his own, but at this point?  I’m willing to give belief a shot.  By all accounts, God’s better than our new masters anyway.

Ah.  Right.  They haven’t hurt us.  No, you’re right, I suppose… if you discount all the people they’ve murdered subduing the rest of us!  Not to mention the imminent prospect of total enslavement. 

So what did he… oh, right, I was forgetting that you don’t actually read.

Well, see, Pollaski made his aliens smart.  They didn’t show up naked.  They attacked, not the city centers, but the military installations.  They sunk every navy in the world.  They systematically destroyed every single flying thing- artificial or organic- in the first half hour.  Their ships are designed to move faster than molasses in our atmosphere.  They used the moon as a base of operations, and they brought backup.

So?  So?!  What the hell do you think these aliens did?!  ONLY EXACTLY WHAT POLLASKI TOLD THEM TO DO!

NO, I will not ‘shut up’!  Steve Pollaski has to answer for his crimes!  I want justice!  I want…!

Don’t you point that thing at me!  Do you think I’m scared of you?  Well, DO…”

2
It's been a while, hasn't it?  Updates, I mean.

Anyway, first off: dialogue.  You keep inserting these little foreign expressions, but the rest of it is straight American English.  As a result, I stumble every time I see a "non," or a "perdon."  If you only want to use a few easily translatable foreign words, that's fine, but change the phrasing of the rest so that we know the speakers aren't native.  Otherwise, just lose the foreign interjections, and we'll assume from the names that the setting is foreign and they're speaking in their native language, conveniently transliterated for us readers.

I'm still a little confused about how humors work, exactly.  You've mentioned colors and physical sensations both, but I'm not sure how those combine to create different personality traits, talents or skills, and physical appearances.  For example, you've mentioned both fighters and merchants usually have red humors, but that the Maestro is mostly yellow.  It would make sense for Mathieu to wonder (or speculate, if he's come across something similar in the wars), right there, about how qualities common to yellow humors would impact the effectiveness of a fighter, or trainer, right there while we're still talking to him- and incidentally, also informing the reader of the differences.

I would think, coming from a poor background, that Mathieu would be a little more reluctant (or suspicious, or even inquisitive to the point of rudeness) to let such a large sum of money go into the hands of someone who he doesn't personally know, and who deals in risky but lucrative trading, emphasis on the risk.  The whole exchange comes across as the wolf fleecing the young and tender lamb.  Sure, the lamb will be tougher the next time around, but he'll still be short one fleece.  And, on top of that, for him to turn right around and contemplate spending yet more money sleeping with his best friend?  When he's already worried about how little he has to live on?  Yeah, I'm gonna need a little more active motivation.  Even the fact that the Mistress of the House wouldn't let Cassandra spend time with anyone (particularly a male) without money up front would be enough.

3
Writing Group / Re: Best. Word. Ever.
« on: January 12, 2011, 04:37:57 AM »
I humbly submit verbiage.

4
For some reason, LTU, it's hard for me to put into words what I think while reading your submissions.  I think I need to just start taking notes as I read yours or something...

Anyway, these three chapters are far more readable in terms of 'what the heck is going on here?' than your previous drafts.  Probably because you've only given us one viewpoint so far.

I'm not a fan of the different spelling- I prefer Caramoth, but that may just be because it's what you introduced him as in the first chapter.  It may be because of what I believe is an over-abundance of 'K' used instead of 'C' in names for reasons of 'being different'.  If you do decide to change it, that's your decision- just putting in my two cents.

Overwhelmingly, I get the impression from Caramoth/Karemoth that he's resentful.  Which is strange, because I go back and read the chapters again, and there's really very little that points to that emotion, and yet at the end of it, that's still the impression I have.  It's not a 'poor me' attitude, it's more of a 'well, somebody's got to do it, it might as well be me- but I don't have to be happy about it.' 

So far your other characters are more two-dimensional than three- which is fine, because they're side characters.  Just something to be aware of.

I'm confused as to what kind of 'smithing' is involved here.  You should probably go into that more at some point because 'smithing' still conjures up images of forges and hot metal for me, whereas I gather you have something entirely different in mind.

Overall I see great potential for your current draft- the first time you submitted, it was very much a case of world-building and backstory getting in the way of the tale you wanted to tell.  This time around, you seem to be more organized and what you write is very purposeful.

5
Reading Excuses / Re: December 20, 2010. Hubay – Lord Domestic Chapter 1
« on: December 24, 2010, 03:44:03 AM »
haha, alright, I might have to reword that a little bit then. there isn't an entire bird sitting on his shoulder. Just birdskin and feathers. I'm planning on going into a little more in-depth on that in a later chapter, but next draft I'll remember to make that less confusing.
Yes.  Please do. ;)  Also, I'm now laughing at myself.

6
Reading Excuses / Re: December 20, 2010. Hubay – Lord Domestic Chapter 1
« on: December 23, 2010, 03:31:44 AM »
Firstly, good introduction in terms of having just enough of the weird stuff to keep us interested and not so much that the learning curve is the equivalent of Mt. Everest.

That said, I'm going to second a few of akoebel's thoughts; namely: use this interesting new type of magic to really show us the world your characters live in.  Let's face it, if a guy has an eagle grafted to his shoulder (which I will come back to shortly), he's going to see the world differently than your average everyday Joe Private.  Use that.

Now.  Jhuz has an eagle grafted to his shoulder.  This is insane.  Literally.  Especially since that one line- the fact that his familiar is grafted to his shoulder- is all you give us on this!  Jhuz might as well have a wooden statue perched on his shoulder for all the impact the bird's presence has on his actions.  I don't care if he can control the bird or not, that is not a safe place for either of them to be.  Think of the logistics for a minute.  Sleeping won't be comfortable for either of them.  Jhuz is going to have to have custom made clothing and a personal laundress to get all the bird poop off.  He's going to spend an enormous amount of time just keeping it fed and in good health since the bird obviously can't exercise on its own.  Eagles are birds of prey and fairly large- the bird could actually knock Jhuz out just by flapping it's wings trying to stretch them.  In a temper tantrum it could cause serious injury to eyes, ear, and scalp.

Now, you may have already thought of all these difficulties and come up with ways around them- if so, it hasn't shown up yet in your writing.  Maybe you just thought it would be cool for the familiar of the army's Standard to be grafted onto his body as a permanent reminder.  I don't know.  But I do know it's not a tenable position for either of them with what little information you've given us.

That said, it would be pretty cool if you could somehow reconcile all the difficulties in that kind of a relationship between man and beast.  I look forward to what you come up with!

7
Character-arc wise, you've got a good thing going on here.  I can see now why he'd want to be there, but I'm still missing the crucial event that made Senna and Kalimeris agree to let him come in the first place.

One note: sometimes you describe things strangely.  Not strange things, just ordinary everyday occurrences.  For example-
Quote
They waited together for the first hand to reach their side. It was large, encased in brown leather that had withstood a lot of wear and tear already. A bracer followed and then Kalimeris heaved himself up.
At the beginning of the description, you separate the hand from the person it's attached to.  This in turn, distances the reader from the character- or at least, it does for me.  The mystery of "who's hand is it" leads me to think there's a surprise coming.  Instead, it's just Kalimeris.  And it doesn't make much sense for Dais not to look over the side to see who's coming up first.  In itself, it's not a bad way of describing an event- certainly it's a very good word picture- but seeing as how we've already been introduced to everyone in the party, it's counter-productive. 

8
Reading Excuses / Re: NaNoWriMo
« on: October 07, 2010, 01:58:57 PM »
I'm also planning to try again (having failed miserably last year... >:().  This time I'm doing it the smart way, though- I've already got a concept and am working on research this month so I don't get hung up on details in November.

9
I didn't get an email from you this time around...

10
Everyone else seems to have said what I wanted to comment on.  I didn't really have a problem with the slang, though... that's something I guess.

I will reiterate because it is just that important: work on the tenses.  That was probably the most jarring thing.  The dialogue in Zona's section needs a bit of work, too.  For example, Thu'dane starts every new thought with an apology.  That might be part of his characterization, but right now it doesn't come across that way.  I also don't have a clear picture on Zona's character and who she really is- whiz mechanic and orphan is obvious, but what makes her special?  What are her quirks?

In all, it still needs work, but it's got promise.

11
Reading Excuses / Re: A poll concerning previous submissions
« on: September 29, 2010, 04:34:38 AM »
Thanks, I'll have to check it out.

12
Reading Excuses / Re: September 27-fireflyz-The Witching Hour (L)
« on: September 29, 2010, 04:32:58 AM »
First of all, I love the concept.  Characters literally bullying their creator into finishing their stories?  Win!  (now lets hope it never happens to me... O.O)

I like how Greg spooks himself into doing something he knows would be stupid in a story setting.  I have to say, though, I was surprised Victoria didn't make an appearance until the end.  After all, she was the reason he went downstairs in the first place (or was it just down the hall? I can't remember) and, given that his first reaction upon turning on the light was to graphically spill his guts, I was really expecting him to find her murdered-and-possibly-dismembered body on the kitchen floor.  I have to say that it's a bit of an over-reaction, especially considering that he knows these characters intimately.  Granted, they're a gruesome lot, but still.  He wrote it, after all- a fact which they fling in his face repeatedly (again with the win! ;D).

You give the impression that we should be familiar with these people, much like a fan-fic.  And like a fan-fic, it would probably be more fun to read if we were.  But it's also ok if we aren't- if that makes any sense- because you give us enough description and interaction to solidly establish their characters.  So good job there.
***(Please don't be offended at me comparing this to a fan-fic.  I know there are a lot of authors and editors and critics out there who roundly disparage fan-fiction of any kind.  However, I think it has it's place, if only on the inter-webs.  So yeah, no slam from me, there.  And not a back-handed compliment, either.  The style, kind of tongue-in-cheek if you will, just reminds me of it.)

One thing that bothered me, though... you repeatedly mention him mumbling into his beard.  Now, I might be mistaken, but I would accept this description more readily if you at some point mentioned that his mustache had gone untrimmed for so long that the hairs had merged with his beard.  Otherwise I get a mental image of him physically holding up the beard to his mouth like he's got a radio in there.  Just a personal preference, though. ;)

13
Reading Excuses / Re: A poll concerning previous submissions
« on: September 29, 2010, 03:40:34 AM »
I'm definitely interested in the concept, but I'm a little iffy on whether I could run it on my laptop since I have a Mac (not having dealt with FTP before)  Your description seems to imply a 'Windows Only' type thing, and though I can run Windows on my machine, I much prefer not having to.  It just makes things more complicated than strictly necessary.

14
And finally we have some concrete decisions being made.  Also some hints as to why Kal and Senna are considered criminals.

One thing that didn't work for me was the first paragraph.  It was so vague and removed from the characters we're dealing with that at first I thought you'd sent us back to Overlook.  It's very poetic, but unfortunately broad enough to apply to the wretched humanity that must still be trapped there.  But if you're going to keep it intact, I would suggest moving around the order of sentences in paragraph 2.  I'd start it with "This morning awakened life, instead of tormenting it," and then go on from there.  That way you've got your juxtaposition of mornings and the two paragraphs mesh much better.

Also, this beginning implies that whoever's narrating has just awakened, but when we see the interaction I get the impression that they've all been up for a while.  There's a disconnect somewhere.

After that, though, it goes a lot smoother.  I am surprised to find Kalimeris and Senna casually discussing their possible journey to the coast in company with people they don't trust and may not journey on with- they seemed much more cautious than that back in Overlook.  And, much as I hate to say it, I'm still not seeing why Dais is even with them to begin with.  He's just a kid, and you've implied both that he's some kind of hero (or supposed to be someday), and that Kal and Senna rescued him from some kind of animal (which says to me that he's an ineffective and bumbling hero).  And his rather childish assertions that he can be helpful really aren't helping at all.  I'm thinking we need to see a bit of his backstory earlier than now to explain why he's here.

The scene where Rosalin is trying to figure out what to say to the group also needs a little work.  The internalization works pretty well, except that you don't support it through observation.  We need to see facial expressions, shifts in body language, to support Rosalin's thoughts.

Hope this was helpful!  It was an enjoyable read.  I like it when decisions are made. :)

15
Reading Excuses / Re: September 20 – Hubay – Fathers of Gods, Chapter 4
« on: September 29, 2010, 02:51:28 AM »
Nice one!  Things are coming together, although I've got to agree that the Daltri spies seem more like an excuse to show Cumo in an action scene (which was very well written, I thought) than an actual plot point.  Firstly, because this siege is of apparently long standing- the Daltri would've learned everything they could from simple scouting in the first few weeks of the siege.  Secondly, because if it's been going on that long, the Polaesi must be used to being stared at by the besiegers, so why the big fuss?  It's not like they can climb the wall, or even see anything of import from that far away.  On the other hand, I guess if the gods might have cause to wonder why they are sending out scouts this late into the siege- what are they looking for?  In which case, maybe you should have them vocalize that concern... ;)

That said, the rest of it, the interactions between the characters and all, was well done.  They seem like real people leading real, and consequently complicated, lives.  Sure there are a few places that could use a bit more polish, but that's probably always going to be the case.

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