Author Topic: June 21 - Renoard - Redmantle Chapter 1  (Read 1862 times)

Renoard

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June 21 - Renoard - Redmantle Chapter 1
« on: June 21, 2010, 10:15:40 AM »
It was a tough decision but I settled on the first chapter of this novel.  I had another in mind but just couldn't get any momentum in time to submit.
 
This is chapter one of a Renaisance Fantasy.  It takes place on an alternate earth, where some of the borders are drawn differently in Europe.  It involves political intrigue, cavalry war, Grand Wizards and diabolical sorcerers.  Against this background we look at the tangled lives of three families of nobel station and the struggle to build and maintain relationships in a world on the brink of war ruled by men on the brink of madness.
 
Sorry if this is florid but I wrote it off the top of my head.
You can always get what you want if you never count the cost.

Comatose

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Re: June 21 - Renoard - Redmantle Chapter 1
« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2010, 06:44:32 PM »
Keep writing, I like it.  I've always wanted to do something similar.

The last sentence of the first paragraph was a rather wordy and convoluted.  I'd try to break it up into a few more pieces.

The use of the doctor to introduce some of your new 'pieces' wasn't bad.  A little more explanation might not have hurt, but since this section was so short, I can see why you'd want to hold off until later.  The pace was actually pretty good, so maybe leave that as is actually.
It all sounded very authentic.  I liked how you just hinted at the sorcery.  If I hadn't read your little explanation, I would have thought the sorcery was just superstition, albeit one that has lasted longer than it probably should have for someone like the Kaiser.

The converstation between the Kaiser and the Doctor seemed choppy to me for some reason.  I think you might be able to draw it out a bit more.  This could also just be the doctor's speech patterns though, but just a thought.

Keep writing!
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Shivertongue

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Re: June 21 - Renoard - Redmantle Chapter 1
« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2010, 05:15:40 AM »
I don't think I got this. Resend?
This propaganda has been brought to you by High Priest and Occasional Pope Archbishop Shivertongue Von Slamdance VI, of the Vibrating Purple cabal of POEE (Paratheoanametamystikhood Of Eris Esoteric). All rights ignored. Salvation not available in Idaho. Hail Eris. All Hail Discordia. Fnord?

Renoard

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Re: June 21 - Renoard - Redmantle Chapter 1
« Reply #3 on: June 23, 2010, 12:04:17 PM »
Sorry, Shiver.  Resent.  I'm unable to send to the listserv because my email server accompanies outgoing mail with a request for validation and the aliasing causes TWG.com to identify [email protected] as an invalid account and bounce the email.  Still mulling it over.

I've identified a typo in the version I sent out.  The word Muslim was erroneously substituted for Paynim.  I apologize.  Please read the passage accordingly.
You can always get what you want if you never count the cost.

Silk

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Re: June 21 - Renoard - Redmantle Chapter 1
« Reply #4 on: July 01, 2010, 09:54:52 PM »
So far so good. The voice is distinct and no, I didn't feel that it was too florid, though at a couple of points your sentences run really long. They're not technically run-on sentences since you've broken them up with the proper punctuation, but they get a little hard to follow.

I also enjoy the way you're dealing with the sorcery thus far.

The world-building you're doing is all good information, but I wonder if it's quite the right place for it. The couple paragraphs about the Mongli invasion and etcetera felt like they were bogging things down right at the beginning, though maybe I only feel that because this section was so short.

I was a bit startled when Albert, who we'd been told was a frail and dying man, turned out to be this jovial, happy fellow. I think that's because I'm not honestly sure who the POV for this section is (or even whether this is an omniscient narrator, though it feels like it's moved to a limited narrator after introductory paragraphs). I assume it's Albert mostly because of the way you've described the Zhypsy doctor, but if so we have no idea what he's thinking or feeling. If the man's half-dead, surely he must be feeling some discomfort.

Even if Albert isn't the POV character here, some sensory information might help readers get over that hump--the rattle of his breath or what have you. Right now I feel that we're told Albert is dying and then shown a man who doesn't seem sick at all, rather than a man who is trying to face his death with dignity or whatever. With just a bit more information I think that characterization could work really well.

Renoard

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Re: June 21 - Renoard - Redmantle Chapter 1
« Reply #5 on: July 02, 2010, 02:03:06 AM »
Thanks I'll see if I can figure a way to incorporate that.  What I'm using and what I'm most comfortable with is limited omniscience.  The narrator has the whole story after the fact, but, like the reader, he experiences it in scenes and reverie where he occasionally shadows the POV of a given character, then moves on.  The narrator is more of a "camera" than a truly omniscient narrator.  He is a character however and I'm working at getting his voice right, while transitioning onto and off of a given character.
You can always get what you want if you never count the cost.