Author Topic: June 14 - Asmodemon - Citadel of Thorns, Chapter Five  (Read 1486 times)

Asmodemon

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June 14 - Asmodemon - Citadel of Thorns, Chapter Five
« on: June 14, 2010, 07:02:25 PM »
The fifth chapter of the Citadel of Thorns, where Rosalin and Dais wake up to face up the consequences of the previous night.

ryos

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Re: June 14 - Asmodemon - Citadel of Thorns, Chapter Five
« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2010, 09:05:01 PM »
The biggest issue I see is that it still feels like nothing is happening, which is absurd, because stuff obviously is when you stop to think abot it. I suspect the problem is still that you're jumping between two viewpoints, and you're doing it so frequently that we don't get much progress on one before  we jump to the other. Also, the fact that you've got the two viewpoints in the chapter cuts the progress on either one in half.

The end result is that Rosalyn has a dream that is mostly confusing at this point, the wakes up and has breakfast. Yawn. Nothing moved in her story.

then Dais. They move through the city and get caught in a mob, they may or may not have lost their captive (it's not clear), but the chapter ends before anything much happens. Yes, there is more movement than for Rosalyn, but it still felt cut short.

My suggestion to you is to try an experiment. Write an entire chapter with only a single viewpoint. Make it at least 2000 words. If you hate it you can always cut it up and interleave it the way you have been doing, but I strongly suspect it will improve your pacing.
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Asmodemon

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Re: June 14 - Asmodemon - Citadel of Thorns, Chapter Five
« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2010, 07:50:48 PM »
I think youíre right about that. I had a feeling there was a problem with this chapter, and itís the same as the previous chapter; too many viewpoints screwing up the pacing.

Aside from that thereís also Rosalin. Iíve been trying to show her as dejected and depressed, but it comes across as boring.

This weekend Iíve been thinking about how to best split up this chapter in one for Rosalin and one for Dais. Rosalinís especially will have to go on a different tact, because you summed her part up perfectly and that wonít do. There are some things I can explore with Rosalin while sheís in this state and I think Iíll do that.

LongTimeUnderdog

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Re: June 14 - Asmodemon - Citadel of Thorns, Chapter Five
« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2010, 04:05:16 PM »
I think Ryos is on to something, but I might be able to help you solve your PoV problems.

Don't use Dais.

Rosaline >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Dais.

Let me clarify.

Dais is a scared little boy trying to escape a city.  That, in itself isn't bad.  It's good.  But let's put him next to Rosaline a moment.  Rosaline is a little girl from a village that has just been wiped out.  +1 emotional point.  her sister is dead.  +1 emotional point.  She's got an entirely new body  +1 cool point.  There's a guy that talks to her who used to own the body but has now been morphed and pushed to the wings of the stage.  +1 cool point.

Dais is a member of a gang.  +0.  He's trying to escape the city.  +1 cool point.

So if we take the tally, it should be pretty obvious what the problem is.  Dais is not uninteresting, Rosaline is just more interesting.  If you cut everything involving the Dais character, you would loose nothing from the story so far.  I'm not saying to cut him.  What I'm saying is that you either need to just remove him from the story for now, tie him into Rosaline, or give us something equally interesting about him to make him comparable to Rosaline.  His introduction, and all of his section in fact, interrupt Rosaline, a much more interesting character.  So he doesn't feel like a character, as an annoyance.  This chapter is no different.  Also, Rosaline has now spent 2 chapter sitting and drinking.  One chapter is okay, but two back to back?  And even with all that sitting and drinking, she's still more interesting then Dais.  Again, it's not that Dais is not uninteresting, but that Rosaline is just that much more interesting, and lovable, then Dais.

With as little as Rosaline has been doing, it's almost like you've changed the story from the Rosaline show to the Dais show and you're trying really really hard to make us want to be concerned with him.  I keep reading all the stuff that happens to him, the mobs fighting, the tunnel and I keep thinking, "how is this going to effect Rosaline."  And that should be kicking that horse a bit by now but I'm sure you get the point.