Crashers

[little wilson]

Thanks for reading the prologue and Chapter 1....I was actually originally working on adding a scene between to the two classroom scenes in chapter 1, but...I didn't exactly finish writing it, so I didn't send that out. I'm attempting to be a good student and finish reading the count of monte cristo for a class....but I digress.

Anyway. Thanks for reading and tell me what you think about it. Was it good? Should I change anything? Any typos (I think I've caught all of them, but who knows?)? Thoughts? Impressions?...I'll take pretty much any advice I can get. Don't hold anything back. I really like constructive criticism.

[Necroben]

On use of Kilometers, if story takes place where it’s (Km) are not really in use (to me) it doesn’t really make much sense.  All I really know is that a km is a little less than a mi.

“I never thought you’d say thought.”   ? ? ?

Interesting premise, though more info on Hydropower would help it make more sense.  I’d like to see where you will take the story from here in the future.

[jjb]

The story is interesting so far, but I don't see how "Crashers" could destroy technologies like telekinesis and teleportation. I also don't see how teleportation could be given to everyone and for that matter I don't see how telekinesis would be a technology either.

[little wilson]

“I never thought you’d say thought.”   ? ? ?

Ah. A typo I didn't catch. That's a pretty big one too...The second "thought" is supposed to be "that."

And hydropower...Wasn't intending on putting in more information on it, but I can do that. Won't be too difficult to arrange.

The story takes place about 300 years in the future, where technology has progressed so much that teleportation is possible....In a later version of this, I may give it another name, because 'teleportation' sounds too super-powery, and I think I want it to sound more natural....Same with telekinesis....I can actually see technology progressing to a point eventually where we can travel just with a thought. Obviously, we're far from it now, and it would go through many stages to get to the point of being just a thought (ie, go to specific places and arrive at specific places), but I can see it happening.

It was actually this that sprouted the idea in the first place. I was traveling home from school last summer and I thought how cool it would be to just think about being home and then I'm there, and completely skip the 2 1/2 hour drive...And then I thought of a world where that was possible, and what would happen if they lost it....

[WEKM]

Ok, this could really go somewhere. I like to think I have guessed where, but with the thought that appears to have gone into this so far, I most likely will be wrong.
You have me right where you want me, with many questions I want answered, I am desperately looking forward to more.
 


Now it is probably just me, but I am often put out by those who put forward the premise that we are destroying the planet.
Granted, the introduction of teleportation would solve our transportation issues, however oil has so many other uses in our society that I doubt it could ever be totally done away with. From food to pharmaceuticals to nearly everything not made of "whole" wood, petroleum is involved in it.
Granted 300 years from now I am sure that extraction and refinement will have advanced greatly, but I am sure there will still be a need for oil. After all, what would their computers be made out of?

[AvalonDreamer]

It's good. Usually I dislike the use of prologues, and this doesn't help terribly much - it has it's merit about it, but I could see how it could easily be merged into the first chapter, unless the light ends up being something important later.

Your character seems like she has a lot of potential, but I think that starting a book on a debate may not be the best way to keep the attention of the average reader, though I have to say that it's definitely better than a long narrative introduction.

The one thing that I absolutely loved was the opening line of the prologue. IT made me want to keep reading, just to find out why the world might not be blue otherwise.

Keep going, and edit out those typos. ^^

[little wilson]

Haha! Yes! I love the opening line. There's times when I look at it and go "hmm, I should change that." And yet when I try to think of something better, I just can't come up with anything....I think it's classic. Somewhat pointless in the overall scheme of things, yet classic nonetheless.

And maybe I shouldn't say this, but the light WILL become important later on. Not REALLY important, but the indicative factor of it is important... kind of....At least important enough that I want to draw attention to it, and make people go "what's that mean?"

And I know what you mean about the debate...I'm not really loving the way it starts out, but I haven't come up with anything better yet, and it IS better than a long narrative intro. Which was what I was trying to avoid.

And WEKM--you've got me curious where you think it's going to go, particularly when you say you think you've got it figured out....There's a chance you've guessed some things, but you're right--I have thought a LOT about this, and I'd like to think I've not made it completely obvious this early on.

Oh, and the whole destroying the planet thing. That's certain character's opinions. Not my own....I make a point not to give my characters opinions that side completely with my own. I may agree with portions of their statements, but I also disagree as well....Same with here. I don't think we're destroying the planet, but I do think there are things we could do better on (and I'm not referring to global warming....). So yeah, it's not some internal message I'm trying to bring out to change the world. That would be kind of....dumb.

[Hayley]

Another one I like.

Reading it, I felt like I could relate to the realism of college, classroom debates etc, but also there's the tied in unfamiliarity of the science/technology areas.

....if that makes sense?

But it reads well, apart from the "I never thought I'd hear you say thought", but that's cleared up now from the above posts.

The prologue was good, too. Nice introduction.

I'm looking forward to reading more

[WEKM]

Ok, one thing I am guessing at is that Ashley may have some of the abilities that were destroyed by the Crashers and it was her TK that trashed the picture.

[little wilson]

Hmm....Interesting. I shall not divulge whether you are right or whether you are wrong....But you may find out more in Chapter 2...

Oh, and thank you Hayley. It did make sense.

[WEKM]

Ok, one thing I am guessing at is that Ashley may have some of the abilities that were destroyed by the Crashers and it was her TK that trashed the picture.

Doh! someone beat me to it.

[jjb]

I thought it was the dude who looked uber confused whose TK crashed the picture.

And I'm a bit confused by WEKM's two posts there...

[little wilson]

And I'm a bit confused by WEKM's two posts there...

You're not the only one....I'm even more confused by the little addition on the duplicate.

[jjb]

Split personality, maybe? Schizophrenia?

[little wilson]

Probably.....Only if it wasn't I'm VERY curious to know what he's referring to...."Doh! someone beat me to it."....