Advice

[The Lost One]

In response to A proper Hemophobic:

I think you have worse problems to worry about than modern etiquet for blood-sacrifices. Does your mother know about these blood-sacrifices anyways? I'm sure she taught you proper etiquet. Nevertheless, maybe you should be seeking more practical advice from Dr. SE, such as how to permenantly disappear before the next ritual.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Dear Hemo:

(I'm glad I got the first vowel right. I was worried there for a moment).

You should not let modern advances in technology affect your worship. However, there are certain measures that should be observed or else you'll have the EPA and the FDA on your case (you know, in addition to Homeland Security (motto: National Socialists ain't got nuthin' on us!) and the FBI (motto: the truth is in my pants)).

1) tests should be conducted for disease, but assuming the tests come up negative, the only people who need be given the results are the person consuming the sacrifice (if this is part of your services) and the victim (who should be allowed to notify anyone to whom he may have transmitted the disease). The latter is difficult int he case of non-voluntary sacrifices, and you'll need to watch to make sure he doesn't say anything similar to "Call the police! They're going to kill me!"

2) Protective gear is up to the person actually using the blade. ALthough I find that the less obtrusive the gear the more authentic the feeling of the ritual goes. In any case, the sacrificer should wash thoroughly before and after the ritual. That's just common courtesy.

3) Contratulations on being chosen! Nyarlothotep will be pleased.

4) as for going into hiding. The ninja monkeys always know where you are.

-Dr. SÉ

[The Jade Knight]

Dr. Dr. SÉ,

Are you in danger of the council?

Sincerely,
A Christian

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Dear Sadducee:

Depends on which council you mean. The Council of Doom? The Council of Elrond? I mean, there's so many. You can't really call any of them THE council. That implies only one. The Council of Subversion and Monkey Threats, however, has given me their full endorsement, though they rarely do such things publically. I guess that means that I'm really the danger of the council to other people, rather being "in" such danger.

-Dr. SÉ

[Faster Master St. Pastor]

Dear Dr. SE,

There is something wrong with my computer. Every few minutes (it varies) it will shut off, and scans by certain programs reveal that nothing is wrong except for the occasional tracking cookie, which is promptly deleted. Recently I have gotten a registry scanner which said that there were forty two errors with the above mentioned registry.

I fear that one of two things have happened if not both; either a certain entity which is to remain unnamed has employed his ninja monkeys to hack my computer so that he can steal my brilliant pictures of my pet llamas (the less likely path), or my computer has been infested with an ancient technology hating tiki god demon from Borneo (the more likely path). This tiki god demon would most likely be in the form of huge rock with big fluffy ears and a kitty cat face, and would randomly take screenshots of whatever I am doing on my computer at the given time of said screenshot, in this way he would create folders that literally took up tons of gigabytes.

Worse still, I have recently been forced to watch random movies from the past, and by this I mean BAD movies. If I have to sit through This Island Earth one more time I swear I will rip out my eyeballs with my hair (don't ask). I am certain that this is the work of the tiki god demon, especially because after the movies are over I receive a screen that says: this cruel and unusual punishment brought to you by Ish'juas'nuk'shi'tasha. This could only be the work of a tiki god demon.

So finally my question, where is the nearest bathroom?









Ohh, and also, do I need to find one of those weird black guys in the tents or tv shows that place their hands on stuff and yell 'I have the power! Be healed!' and whatever is wrong with the stuff is fixed, or do I need to go all the way and get a shaving cream endorser? Cause I really am sick of this stuff being wrong with this computer. Or should I just get some help from you of all people? Ohh, wait, I already am. Hmm.....

From,
Under the Mercies of a Tiki God Dem---NOOOOOOOO! Not This Island Earth again!

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Dear Paranoid:

Is there any reason why it couldn't be a Tiki God employing ninja monkeys?

I think, however, you just find yourself to be more important than you really are. I mean, if *I* were going to take you out, you'd be out. None of this pussy footing around and messing with your mind first. People who just can't get the job done are weak-minded emotionally retarded villains. For example, I'd never tie James Bond up and make him watch a laser slowly approach his crotch. I'd just put a bullet in his brain. End of story.

At any rate, my advice with the computer is FFR. F-disk, Format, Reinstall. Though in all seriousness, I wonder what "registry scanner" you used. So many of those utilities are crap. I'd wager it's a hardware issue, but the only way to really be sure is to get a completely fresh installation.

-Dr. SÉ

[Shrain]

Dr. SE,

It has come to my attention that I have been wrongly biased against certain ninja monkeys in the service of a particularly powerful man who shall remain unnamed. Apparently, the members of this simian cartel are capable of more than just stealth, brutal intimidation, and swift, deadly violence. Not long ago, I heard tell that they are also perfectly capable of being courteous and genteel should the occasion call for it.

You cannot imagine how embarrassed I am to learn how very wrong I was about these ruthless yet well-mannered ninja monkeys. However, my main purpose in writing (besides confessing my grievous error), is in the hopes that you would do me and all your faithful readers the honor of imparting an inspiring tale of ninja monkey gallantry.

Yours in humility,
shrain

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Dear Inquisitive:

Once, a ninja monkey helped an old lady across the street.

If that doesn't inspire you, I don't know what will

-Dr. SÉ

PS, don't let unverifiable reports that the ninja monkey was leading her into a death trap and ended up leaving her stranded in the middle of a busy highway while some 18-wheel trucks were approaching shake your faith in the goodness of monkey-kind.

[The Lost One]

As I recall, a certian noble ninja monkey hit that particularly powerful man who will not be named with a tomato. The ninja monkey did that after its master had made a particularly cheezy comment on a particular forum. Thus the ninja monkey was only helping his master to recognize his error and the ninja monkey could exercise his tomato throwing skills.

PS. Don't be fooled by any statements that such event did not occur or that the record proving such events had somehow been falsified.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Dear Evil Lawyer

Why do you persist in turning my forum into a den of lies?

a) Ninja monkeys are known for their hatred of lawyers. They would never throw a tomato at their master, esp. when a lawyer was about.

b) There is no evidence corroborating the supposed record that was invented by a third party.

c) there is plenty of evidence indicating possible falsification.

d) monkeys like cheese. They don't throw tomatoes at it. Instead, they turn the tomatoes into sauce, but it on a thin crust, and cover the whole thing with the cheese.

-Dr. SÉ

[Shrain]

Dear Dr. SE,

How many ninja monkeys does it take to make an extra large pizza? Do they prefer brick ovens with real fire or do they go for the gas or electric type? Would you say that they are mozzarella, cheddar, or parmesean fans? Oh, and do monkeys like garlic?

Sincerely,
A Very Important Question Asker

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Dear Strange Questioner:

The first answer is a complicated question. It depends on many factors, including how big a pizza, what toppings, whether I ordered it, and how many whippings they've received lately.

The answer to all the other questions is yes.
They prefer brick oven if they can avoid burning the bottom like Bertucci's seems to do EVERY FRICKING TIME (not that anyone is upset about this or anything)
They always put a mix of cheeses on
and they like garlic a lot. I imagine this is due to an evolutionary process. It is well documented that in prehistoric times ninja monkeys and vampires were blood enemies (get it?!). The ninja monkey love for garlic can be ascribed to this adaptation to ward off the fiends. Now they just have to worry about pirate penguins.

[Faster Master St. Pastor]

Dear SE,

Recently I've had a lot of time on my hands, and so it has lead my mind wandering to things that perhaps should never see the light of day. Never the less, they have seen the light, and so I must ask them.

What is it to be the most esteemed of all the humans known to the Ninja Monkey Assasain Priests? What is it to go through life, knowing each day as you rise that you are perhaps the most feared human alive, simply because of the worship of unnaturally smart and stealthy monkeys. Does the power sometimes wake you at night, the simple knowing that the world is withing your grasp, and you need only wish to reach out and take it and it is yours.

Furthermore, what is is to be God of Wisdom? Is there some way in which I can one day know a tenth as much wisdom? What are your weaknesses, and how would I go about seizing your power. Have you always been this wise, or was the Wisdom bestowed upon you as you reached the pinicle of mortal wisdom?

Forever in awe and wonder,

Humble Questioner

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Dear Petitioner:

My life is like being a rainbow, a bunny rabbit, and a tyrranosaurus rex all at once. There are no words to quite describe it. It's like describing transcendence.

When I wake up in the morning it makes me giggle.

As for being the God of Wisdom, it's more of the same. This is really more of a temporary position till I find something more fitting. However, if you want a portion of my wisdom, you could always submit to the species change operation and become a monkey, then study ninjitsu for several decades and worship me. I'd be happy to grant enough to get you to pass that ACT or GRE or whatever you're trying for.

-Dr. SÉ

[Shrain]

Oh Great Fry-Giver in the Sky:

How many fries would it take to get this landlord to look favorably on this humble (and clean!) prospective tenant and her two friends (also impeccably groomed and honorable would-be tenants)? Verily, we wanteth this apartment more than all the fry sauce in all the world. Please grace us with your wisdom of golden (crispy, even!) renown.

Your gracious devotee,
shrain