Timewaster's Guide Archive

I too liked the ending, even if it seems a bit extreme. I guess I don't know enough about this world's culture to judge the weight of Jin's transgression.

The first epigram paragraph didn't work for me. I kept feeling that the wording and tense were wrong for memoirs - things are too urgent there to come out from someone recollecting past events.

The rest of the chapter was good, without the dragging I found in parts of your previous chapters. I too find Jin's plan too convoluted. Frankly, if someone had asked me to steal a flower, I would have tried to steal the flower (using stealth), not trying to barter for it.

I've send you my annotated version, as there were a number of spelling errors and small questions.

Thanks for the comments, Hubay.

For the "one day, one day", I've put it mostly as a joke on her. She dreams about doing a lot of things, but she's not ready to actually do anything to change her life. She's a little resentful towards her boss, but it's not really hate. Maybe I should remove the reference, it's maybe too early to point at Ciera's failings now.

For Onmk's explanation, you're not the first to point this, as I've been having problems with that paragraph from the start. The thing is, his explanation is just a cover up he's devising on the go (that's why I wanted the text to feel a little babbly here), but it never came out quite right. I'm seriously thinking about having him say that he doesn't know what happened to him, but first, it's not in character for him to say that he doesn't know something, and second, the cover up sets up his arc. You're probably right, and I should keep the same lines while doing it shorter.

A few words about the social order, since you won't have much more before act 2 :
For the men/women relationship. It's not actual oppression at play here, but you've seen the situation from two very biased characters (Destra comes from a very minor part of the women population, and Lorn was practically raised by his sister outside the law). The general feeling women have towards men is that they are a little like children : cute at times, and needing directions if you want them to do anything useful. As a result to that "benevolent" attitude, there is no real will in the men population to have things change, and women have demonstrated time and again that they excel at administration … and war. If they look to other kingdoms, men from this place feel like they're not that ill-treated there. The real question about how to treat men is actually asked by women and a large faction pushes for more men rights. This is actually a big political issue of the moment. You're in luck, one of the characters is heavily involved in politics, so if you bear with me, you'll get to see that.

See how I babble when I talk about my book?

Again, many thanks for your input.

Hi,

I already posted about my problems with this short format and the missing pieces in the narration.

What's starting to bug me more and more is the apparent lack of continuity in the story : I feel like I'm watching a story entirely submitted to Brownian movement.

Either you don't know where you are going from one episode to the next (which I would understand, given the serial nature of this writing), or you don't put enough foreshadowing to prepare the reader for what's coming and you don't take enough time to introduce changes.
 
The result is that each plot change feels like it falls out from the sky and there is no real continuity to the story.

I'll cite as an example the point where Vara's mind is assailed and two lines after, she asks the lizard why it's talking. There doesn't seem to be a continuous development in the story here, I feel like I was just thrown into another story in the space of one line.
Not to mention that you completely broke my interest : I had a character in a difficult situation. I could have felt something for her, and suddenly, it's all gone, no explanation given, and the new direction the story takes is MUCH less interesting.

So maybe you could rush a little less between segments. It would allow the reader to enjoy the payoffs and would allow you to setup a little what's coming.

I have my next chapter ready for tomorrow : no need for shame when you have set deadlines :-)

Thanks for the comments.

That's why I can't write short stories : it takes me 3300 words to say "Ciera went to work"

For the colon thing, I'm afraid this is a bad habit I picked at work. In the later parts of the novel, I switched to dashes, but I'll be better off using periods, I think.

Onmk is pronounced with a silent "n". I don't know if that helps with the pronunciation or not.

Some of you have raised a very good point about whether this chapter really has a place here, since it's only character exposition. At first, I told myself that it was all right to have just one chapter like that, but I'm starting to doubt. My only problem by cutting off this chapter is that I'll have to rebalance the viewpoints and the timeline. New perspectives for rewriting...

Once again, thanks for the comments.


Once again, thank you for your comments.

Hi,

I've made quite a lot of comments on my version. I can send it to you in .doc or .odt if you want.

I have some real trouble with the form. This is supposed to be a serial, right?
If so, each installment should stand on its own and provide enough meat so that we want to read on. As I said before, there needs to be something at the end of each installment : discovery, humor, cliffhangers (not too much, please). If you're not familiar with Howard Tayler's work, go see what he does each day : the plot moves forward a little, and a gem is dropped at the end of each strip, so you want to read on.
When I read what you've given us so far, it feels like you're standing right of the middle between serial and long form : each episode is short, but is only a condensed version of what a full novel chapter would be. As a result, we're missing large chunks of information, and yet, we don't have the serial little gem we would need to be intrigued enough to continue reading.

At some point, you'll have to choose between short form and longer.

For the writing part, this piece is much better than the last one : I noted fewer coma issues, and less adverbs. One thing that troubles me is mostly the word choices of which I'm never quite sure if you did want to put this particular word or if it's a mistake (the "momentarily" on the first paragraph comes to mind).

Ending note on the queerness : you've started to pile up quite some strange things (Asmodemon mentioned some). I'd like to start to see some explanations, otherwise, I'll be more and more troubled (and upset) with each chapter.

Hi all,

This is the second chapter from my first novel, The Fifth Compendium.

Last time on "The Fifth Compendium" : Destra, throws herself into the river to prevent men chasing her from taking away the book she's carrying. Ciera, a librarian wants to get to work, but events conspire against her.

Chapter 2 : A man tries to come to grips with his involvement in a woman's death.

As always, comments will be greatly appreciated.

Just a few notes on the pacing.

The first part (conversation between Jin and Talvin) was nicely done and entertaining (even if I had to re-read the paragraph about animal bones twice).

The second part started good and began to drag and drag and drag. I mean, there's lots of exposition here with little action (and the action I found here wasn't that interesting). I was tempted to skip entire paragraphs at this point, however well written. I also noted Hubay's comment on the make-up.

The third part (after the voice comes in) renewed my interest. I found myself reading faster there, since there was some (verbal) action. I was intrigued by the whole idea and got to the end before I realized it.

I would have preferred having a shortened middle section with much less exposition : this would have lead to the meaty part much faster