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« on: May 02, 2011, 09:11:54 PM »
The more I read your chapters, the more I do find them interesting!
As usual, I would have liked a much lighter epigram (the short one you did a few chapters back was especially good). That being said, this one was interesting. I liked the very last image very much.
For the chapter itself, it does get more and more interesting, but a couple of things bug me:
I find Talvin's character to be too unidimentional. The man's always angry and shouting at his son. The more I read about him, the less I like his attitude. I get that he's disappointed about Jin, but he never explains why nor does he do anything to correct the situation (besides shouting, that is). I know this is written from Jin's perspective and that the boy - as smart as he is - is essentially clueless, but I would like to see a more "fatherly" attitude from Talvin. The mother for herself feels much more balanced, even if she has way less screentime.
Jin is too easily distracted.
First, his friend was beaten, yet he worries little about her well-being (at most an off-handed comment once, but his mind jumps to something else and he never gets back to her). I feel like this should have really been a big issue for him (right now, he come out as really selfish).
Second, his propension to be distracted seems greater than his survival instinct. The boy has been in a very tough spot and is under close scrutiny. If that was me, I would be VERY self-conscious and would do anything to escape notice. Jin on the other hand goes on looking at books and daydreaming. It feels like he doesn't even care what will happen to him : he's under probation for serious charges, but for someone who wouldn't have read the earlier chapters, it feels like he was caught with his hand in the preserves jar. Maybe this is really his character not to be bothered by the future, but it feels off to me.
Other than that, everything feels fine : I'm waiting for the magics part to kick in any chapter now!