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« on: October 16, 2007, 03:55:42 AM »
Ladies and Gentleman…
Well, so I couldn’t wait until midnight tonight. Either I was just really excited OR I was having a slumber party where there was no internet access tonight (take your pick—we’ll see what kind of person you think I am), SOOOO you’re going to have to get the news early…I am so dreadfully sorry.
Okay, for those who aren’t able to attend the award ceremony at the appointed hour at the appointed place, no worries. My secretary is taking implicit (and rather explicit) minutes of all that is transpiring at this very moment on this, the most magical of evenings.
And if you read ahead, YOU ARE SUCH A JERK…! Okay, let’s do this.
[clear throat] To my right, a group of sophisticated and appropriately gowned individuals applaud madly, and of course, whisper excitedly behind gloved hands (um, that’s you, you’re the nominees). To my left, slick waiters and slinky waitresses weave expertly through the mobs of eager party-goers (don’t worry about them, they’re just there to fill the gaps—I paid ‘em).
Oh, and of course, in the back, Garfield is passed out in a pan of lasagna (why, pick on Garfield?—‘cause I can—he’s an easy target and it’s nicer than picking on the other celebrities I considered).
But who cares about all that, let’s get to the Honorable Mention Awards (and then you may complain all you like, right?).
P.S: Honorable mention does NOT mean that you WON’T win, it JUST means that we think you need honorable mention. Is that alright? Okay…
And no, I didn’t say I was going to do this BUT since I thought it would be more fun, here we go:
Honorable mention goes to (and our envy…yeah, that’s ALL you win for honorable mentions—at this point—unless you are also ‘The Actual Winner’—but that’s yet to be determined at the end of this page. Soooo all you need do now is take your bows. And please put them in your resumes when applying for special positions in the government or when working with small children):
The first and foremost on my mind:
'The Mr. Congeniality Challenged award’ My, oh my, it was a close one…between Saint Ehlers and…SE. BUT AFTER CLOSE EXAMINATION AND MUCH SEARCHING OF MY HEART, this most coveted award… goes to Saint Ehlers AND SE [audience claps politely].
Hey, you worked hard for it. Take it. Take it. You deserve it. You started this contest with a bang and ended it with a bang. Go on, you nut!
[St. Ehlers/ SE takes the award gives a long speech about how he has no one to thank but himself, and after a heated debate on the intricacies of whether an evil arch-nemesis is a superhero or a villain, leaves the stand escorted by a rather forceful looking fellow only to be saved by his superhero slave. I shake my head fondly]. What a character.
Next:
'The Attempted Nepotism Award’ goes to Eve, ur…uh, Faeten…of course. It would’ve worked too…if it hadn’t been for those darn kids…and the fact that she signed it, ‘your cousin.’ Don’t worry, baby. I’ll let you read MY copy of the book.
[thumbs up, she gives me a different sign. Hmmm]
Or how about?
'The Effort to Better our Intellectual Capacity Award’ Of course, it goes to Dan Gaiden. For encouraging me to google Kandra and making me come to the conclusion that he would like to fall madly in love with a little town in India.
And of course we have the:
'Most Improved Boyfriend Award’ Now, who didn’t think this wouldn’t go to Sigyn? Leaving a string of broken hearts behind her, she broke up with first her fairy, then her angel, only to date some mythological god. Rumor has it, her beautiful, yet rejected suitors are waging war against all mankind because of the fickleness of women. You rock, girl!
And the:
'Looking on the Bright Side Award’ goes to Pemberly—obviously. If she can’t have her superhero ALL the time, she’ll at least enjoy the perks: awesome dates (like the dizzying feel of being swallowed in the ground before he rotates the world backwards, or having a bit of fun with the crooks before he comes in for the rescue, and flying through the air just minutes before he spins some web and bounces you off it even higher). Yeah, you make Pollyanna proud.
Which brings us to:
‘World Consciousness Award’ Yes, GigglyGirl, this one is for you. I had never thought so deeply about the evils of dating such messed up creatures until your eloquent arguments. And after wiping the single tear from my eye (yes, I only have one…eye that is), I have yet to see the error of my ways. BUT, I vow daily to choose a better monster to be a role model for my future kids. My posterity (should I have one of them) thanks you.
‘Alone, Yet So Brave Award’ We will grant to our very own, Eagle Prince, for having the courage to remain alone rather than to select an undesirable mate. Would that all of us were that strong. Wait, no, I take that back, you settled for the superhero. Still, it was brilliantly done.
Special Consideration goes to:
Chris Smith: For bringing out the sensitive side of the superhero, complete with tragic past. This perfect man closely resembles Luke Skywalker, though he’s certainly not as whiney…just flawed. Maybe what you mean is that your superhero is just like Han Solo…‘cause that man, now he’s hot.
Caps off to Bukayla, for offending St. Ehler’s sensibilities with your perfect rendition of how a Zombie would type an essay were such a poor thing to type one…yes, in ALL CAPS. And then for showing us the Zombie’s perfect humility and grace when his labored efforts were brutally rejected. If we had just looked beyond the caps…yeah, pure genius. NO, FOR REAL, REALLY!
And finally to our dear Swiggly. Surprisingly enough after the Twilight series, you’re our only vampire lover. But when you bring up chocolate in your argument, how can any girl resist such a man?—even at the loss of our souls?
And a Jolly Good effort goes to:
Tink with her short, sweet, albeit logical response. She never chose a man, sure. But that wasn’t what she was all about. She was about getting the details straight…and getting some good heckling done while she was at it. And by George, she accomplished what she set out to do…
Cindylou 33, for bringing true art to this forum. I felt like I was reading a haiku poem. I could almost imagine the funky psychedelic spirals behind it. It dazzled the senses and was, ah, sooo deep and romantic. And we’re all about romance, of course.
The Lizardking, or is she THE Lizardqueen??? Yes, we grant you ‘The Look into the Heart Award.’ May Frankenstein find such a woman as thou art…yeah, you! You looked past those stupid rumors, and saw the true gentleman in Frankenstein. We all thank you this day.
And finally (sort of, but not really ‘cause we have more), a special thanks to our judges:
To Nessa (the ever so beautiful and gracious judge of all that is good), for her countless hours of service. When no one else was writing on my site, she did so…and boldly. She most assuredly would’ve won if not for being the very judge of this contest. We grant her the ‘Humor Steph for the Month Award.’
And of course, The Greatest Award in the World goes to me. For attempting to keep everyone from killing each other, which is a really desperate and heavy responsibility. I just sat there, staring at the screen, rocking back and forth, muttering, “Why, why? Why must the world be full of these…people?”
That’s everybody, right???
Okay, now for our Runner Ups:
Just who were our runner-ups? Well, there were quite a few…let’s see…St. Ehlers (Nessa said she laughed out loud pretty much every time he put anything down), my cousin (but we just didn’t feel right about giving my cousin the prize ‘cause I dunno, everyone would get mad, but we really really liked it), the Lizardking (we suspect she’s my sister…and yeah, you are, so don’t try to hide it!), CindyLou33 (it really made me want to cry…in a good way. I thought it was really cool), Pemberly (Nessa liked the fact that with your superhero you could have a family life and yet be romantic at the same time), Eagle Prince ‘cause it just gave me a good chuckle, that’s why.
Really, I could go on and on about the runner ups, and on all of you actually, BUT shall we proceed to the complaints instead? I mean, announce our winner that is? Okay, the winner, it is.
Drum roll please…
The winner is…BUKAYLA!!!!
[SHOCKED GASPS, DISGRUNTLED MURMURS, UPROAR]
Aigh, come on up, girl! You win the prize!
Nessa LOVED your entry (and she wrote LOVE in all caps too, so I knew that she really must).
AND I READ IT OUT LOUD TO MY FAMILY AND THEY ALL THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS TOO (maybe because they didn’t have to read it in all caps, I dunno).
Or maybe St. Ehler’s played the Simon Cowell trick and brought you to our attention…
Or maybe we just liked the fact that someone would give a guy with rotting flesh a chance.
But girl…you got it.
So, my dear Zombie lover, you know who you are, and I’m sure you know how to get to me [private note, your address, blah blah blah] so you can be paid appropriately for your crimes: one free and signed copy of my book, Meet Your Match just as soon as I run and get it at the store.
AND TO EVERYBODY ELSE, I wish I could sprinkle free copies on all of you…which is why maybe I should get together with a fairy…or a millionaire sometime. Until then, I know a great sale…
You ALL did an awesome job (with your added drama, your sweat, tears, and your hilarity). Thank-you ever so kindly for making this so much fun! Now, I’m in the writing mood, so I’m off to write. I’ll just try not to steal your ideas (‘CAUSE they were ever so awesome!).
Love, Steph (and Nessa)
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