Timewaster's Guide Archive

Okay, totally feeling guilty about not responding to this earlier (yes, you guilt tripped me) so here it is.

It's a well written, entertaining piece.




For the first half of it.  Then everything just feels whiny.

I enjoyed the beginning, it hooked me well.  I enjoyed the voice, though at times I had trouble distinguishing gender.  It wasn't until "The Ten Commandos," that I figured it out.  The cliched WWII part of the film made me laugh quite a bit, thought not very loudly as people were still sleeping here.  But after that . . . it kinda dies out.

You spend a good deal of time establishing the character and you do it well.  And then along the way I started to realize there was no actual plot.  And while everything felt like it was going to lead to something, go somewhere or perhaps give us something interesting to read about, it just kept going and going along the same introductory voice vein.  And then it tried to end with a BAM ending.  It failed.  It failed because it did not go anywhere.  There was nothing to the story (outside the character sketch, or course).  By the end of it, I felt a little cheated.

There was almost a story there.  Almost.

Hey Juan and Asmodemon, thanks so much for replying.

@Juan:  Your assessment is correct about the Savannah, but when I said Savannah, I meant savannah.  The African Savannah is what borders the desert.  You have desert > savannah > rainforest, or whatever else might be out there.  I will make that clearer in the next drafts.  Thank you for pointing that out to me.

Also Juan, there is very little about the setting  you've missed from the previous Karemoth section of the book.  Where Jin is and where Karemoth is, are vastly different.  However, I can send you what I'm willing to send (the parts that aren't so awful I have nightmares about them) of the first 10 chapters if you'd like.

Thank you so much for reading and critiquing.  It was very informative.

Why the sudden skipping ahead?

Because the book is broken into section based on Character PoV.  By the end of chapter 9, we have left Karemoth and moved to Jin.  But why move ahead?  Because nothing I write in those chapters I'm happy with.  And if I'm not even remotely happy with it, I can only imagine how bad it would be for you all.  After staring at my outlines for them for what breaks down to a month, I've decided it's not worth wasting that much time and I should move on.  So I did.

If You haven't read anything of mine before, you shouldn't be too confused in reading this (well, a few little tidbits.  one day for them is five days for us.  A Huuk represents the space of time in which one would rise, work, and then go to bed).  But a synopsis should help.  I mean, it's probably going to be the same for anyone jumping in suddenly and anyone else sending them something.

Why the picture at the beginning of the document?  I was bored in Church and it seemed rather fitting.

Part 1:  Karemoth

Karemoth hunts devils for a living.  He learned to be the best at it while waiting for his crippled leg to recover enough to let him hunt properly again.  During a particularly bad hunt, he loses half his good leg, but rescues a little girl who turns out to be a witch (read white person).  The tribe's high chief takes the girl in and names her Anaiah.  Karemoth is given three huuks (three days) to learn how else he can provide food for the tribe.  This is shortened to only 1 huuk as a Dark Season sets in.  Because night time is the most important time to not waste anything, particularly under a dark season, Karemoth is tried right away to determine if he will be returned to the tribe for food.  He is sentenced to return and he vows to kill Anaiah before they kill him.  He steals her away and tries to throw her off a cliff but the world seems to rise up to stop him.  Then a group of witchsingers (people who sing and do magic) appear and take the girl with them.  He is rescued (if you can call it that) by the tribes warriors and finds out the whole tribe was attacked by witches using devils to mount an attack.  Most of the children were kidnapped as well as their parents.  karemoth, being one of High Chief's husbands, hunts the witches to save his own son, Amoz, and his wife.  Instead of fighting them, however, or killing them, Sallu, warchief of the tribe, speaks the witch language and negotiates with them.  this proves unsuccessful and the tribe is forced to fight them again.  Karemoth kills the rescues Anaiah and uses her voice to disrupt the witchsingers so they can no longer control the devils.  The devils turn on their masters and the tribe escapes with the prisoners, some of which are witches themselves.  Freed and happy, the witches offer open trade with the Ziphoa (Karemoth's tribe) because of the high quality bone smithing Karemoth does.  Accepting, he is no longer up for returning as he brings in food.  High Chief died in the fighting and in revenge Karemoth vows to kill every witch in the world.  And he is going to use their forbidden witchsongs to do it.

Part 2:  Eight years later:

Chapter 10:  We meet Jin'Cathul.

I think you're really on to something there with what you're saying Hubay.  IT has been on my mind a bit, trying to figure a more . . . not Wheel of Time . . . way to do it.  If you have suggestions I'd love to hear them.

Wow did it take me forever to get back you guys.  Thanks so much for what you said.  I really appreciate it all.

I will admit to some confusion about your confusion, however.  So starting at the bottom of the comments and moving up  . . .

Asmodemon:  I get what your saying about the darken and the fear of them coming back.  But I don't understand the confusion about Teravan and his ignorance of witches.  The other part I get in your misunderstanding, and it's only a "misunderstanding," because I didn't include enough for you, the reader.

hubay:  I can't stand The Wheel of Time.  I think Brandon Sanderson deserves to be placed with people like Charles Dickens and Hemingway, but no matter how hard I try, I can't read any of the WoT books.  And believe me, I've tried.  So when you talk about "The Black Wind," I have no idea what you're talking about.  Okay you were actually pretty clear in how it was written, but I have no basis to compare my voices to that black wind thing.  You're a very helpful critiquer (is that even a real word?) and you're really smart about it too.  But I only understand the technical side of what you're saying.  The confusion about the Red Beast, however, still confuses me.  I don't know how to make it any clearer. Well maybe there's one word I could change, or add . . . but I don't understand the confusion.  If you can reread or remember back that far to help clarify, I would be very grateful.

akoelbel:  I think I'm starting to see a pattern in the things people are taking issue with (and their very good reasons for taking issue with them).  But I don't understand why.  Or at least not fully.  I suspect it is time between chapters (a long time as things are coming up here).  I also suspect the learning curve of the story.  The biggest road block I've head, so to speak, is that everything in this world I'm writing, is alien.  Alright almost everything.

Now to address a few things:

You guys, are awesome.  Plain and simple.  Thanks for reading, thank you for commenting, and an even bigger thank you for doing it consistently.

Confusion about the Red Beast:  I reread the parts of the chapter where I talk about it.  Describe it, and such.  I used the word "Season," because I thought it would invoke the idea of a repetitive occurrence, actually.  I mean, when fall comes and the leaves change, I don't freak out, I get a jacket and go make piles to jump in.  I mean . . . for my daughter to jump in.  Yeah.

On the other hand, I really can't expect anyone to remember that the first time I mentioned "Red Beast," was on page 5 of the first chapter.  I mean, it's not like it was months ago or something when ya'll read it.  Come on guys, can't you remember this inanely pointless stuff?

As to what the Red Beast is, In chapter 3 I mentioned it had gold rings and some twenty blue orbs fluttering around it.  In chapter four I described it as:

It was a like an enourmous fiery red ball that swirled and glowed as if everything about it was burning and burning and never stopped.  Great, blue orbs floated around it.  Twenty-four of them in total.  Only eight were visible.

.

So again, I think the confusion is coming because of time between chapters.  correct me, please, if I'm wrong.  Best to know everything to change now instead of learning about it after the fact.

To me, the descriptors above indicate the Red Beast to be a sort of cross between Jupiter and Saturn, some big red planet with rings around it and 25 moons (counting the one the story actually takes place on).  And that is exactly what I wanted to communicate.

Teravan not knowing what slavery is:  Well . . . How and When did you learn that slavery existed?  If you're like me it was during Black History Month while in elementary school.  I learned it existed (or exists if you wanna include black market dealings) because someone told me about it.  The only people around who even remotely know anything about witches are Karemoth and Hammond (being the only two old enough to have lived when they were digging the craters and living in the Fane).  Because they live in a society that does have slaves (or at least, they don't call them that) how would Teravan learn what a slave is?  He lives in a freakin' hole in the ground, after all.

Okay, okay.  You're probably right about the slavery thing.

But on something a bit more serious (or at least less pressuring) thank you guys so much for your support.  I'll have another chapter soon.  And an extra goodie (or curse maybe) along with it.  A few more to go, and we'll be getting to see the Witches. 

No topic was up, so I put one up.

You're new, so I'm going to try to go easier on you.  No, I'm only joking.

The actual writing and word choice is good.  Don't change the voice of your piece.  Don't change your characters.  They're all fine.  But the good stuff pretty much ends thhere.

Right off from the start you're counting off cliche's.  You've got wizards (I'll admit I'm bias against wizards and I think it's for very good reasons), you've got dwarven ale, you've got goblins, and you've got a crew that sounds an aweful lot like a D&D adventuring party.  You even have yoru armored fighter complaining about not getting enough to drink.  All of those by themselves are forgivable . . . individually . . . but together it can all be a real turn off.  Now I happen to really like the books Orcs and Dwarves, so the inclusion of such things isn't always bad.  It doesn't mean you have to start over, but it does mean you're going to have to work really really really hard to make this book stand out and convince me its worth my time to read.  Adding a space alien or whatever was a good start at that.  I hate to put it this way but for some reason it doesn't sound cliche to others (just me) but you do alot of "telling."  I feel like I should wash my mouth out for saying that.  Or wash my fingers since I'm typing it.

By telling, I'm refering to some of the introductory paragraphs where you're introducing the characters.  The good thing you did was the a word joke.  Lines like "In the early days, Merin had tried developing shields to protect their camp . . ."  You could just as easily have the people in the camp discussing the lack of shields and the problems they caused.  Bran could whine about not getting enough sleep.  That could be funny.  And it gives us more character to work with.  Instead, you just kind of mention it, and move on.

I'm not sure if you're trying to do an omnicient point of view or not.  It seems like we're seeign ran's PoV but when you get to Anno, we've switched.  If this has all been through her eyes, then I suggest giving us more of her right from the start.

And then you really had to go and ruin the space alien by saying she's from "Earth."  I'm really not a fan of Conneticut Yankees in any form, so I will admit to being horribly bias against the earth thing, with dwarves and wizards.  Putting it in the space alien context is cool.  That's interesting.  That's what's keeping my reading.  The way earth is talked about is nice too, making it actually sound alien instead of Earthy.

The phrase, "as you know," needs to go.  It made me taste bile.

Not done reading, I'll finish soon.

It's awesome you gots yourself some agent lovin'.  It's also awesome You're working hard.

To be fair, most everyone hates flashbacks (from what I hear).  But don't confuse something like "The Name of the Wind," with flashback.  I'm fairly certain its not the flashbacks that bother them, but the content and writing of the flashbacks.

Beside the point, it's super awesome you're on your way.  Super super awesome.  One of us is finally growin' up and makin' his way in the world.  Sniffle.  Sniffle sniffle.

Chapter 1: Karemoth is the best devil hunter in the Hellfane desert. During a dando hunt, he and the hunter caste of the Ziphoa tribe suffer unforseen complications. A strange little girl appears at the battle with the Devil there and Karemoth is forced to cut off his foot during the rescue.

Chapter 2: Karemoth wakes up after falling unconsious. He discovers his family, Teravan, High Chief, and Hammond have helped him recover but had to remove more of his leg then he did, because of an infection. Karemoth comes under risk of having to "return," the act of suiciding to help the tribe because a person is no longer capable of bringing in food. He decides to fight against the returning and wants to prove he can still hunt devils.

Chapter 3: Karemoth struggles against his new disability but ultimately fails in his attempts to reassert himself as Chief hunter.  A dark season strikes and his trail is held three huuks earlier then it should have been.

Chapter4: In which Karemoth is tried and found in need of returning.  His reaction to such things.