Timewaster's Guide Archive

As far as the feel of the story, I would go with Warhammer over anything else.  Yes, Night elves sound like Warcraft, but beyond that they're called elves in general which, is just bad.  That's been beat enough so I don't need to hit it further.

I mention this sounds like Warhammer because your description of Albione is pretty much the war priest cast of the empire, all the way down to his weapon (more on my issues with that later).  Big, armored guys, fighting against elves, it just as that Warhammer vibe to it, and if I picked that up, other people will as well because I don't even play Warhammer.  If you don't see the connection, I'll point it out further.

http://www.warhammeronline.com/armiesofWAR/empire/warriorpriest.php.

the Link there is to the War priest page of the Warhammer online game, based on the figurine game.  IF  you look at the art, you'll see exactly what you described to me.  There is no mention of a shield and Albione.  I can, therefore, assume without much complication, that the weapon is used with two hands.  That kind of weapon is actually called a "Maul."  A real warhammer was used with one hand, usually accompanied by a shield or sword or something.

I'm taking the time to point all this out because I want to point something else out:  Because there is so little setting and description, I as the reader have to make up things to fill in the blanks.  Because I know there's an armored dude with a hammer, I think Warhammer or D&D.  You've got "elves" with scimitars so I automatically think Drow or Warhammer Dark elves.  We only know we're in a castle that's being sieged so I'm already thinking bland generic English setting.  Yawn.  Seen it all, read it all, and since you're not Joe Abercrombie, none of this is going to interest me because he did it first, and better (well his final drafts anyway, can't say for his firsts).

And about these Night Elves . . .  Scimitars, really?

I'm guessing you really meant curved swords and so went with scimitar because you knew they were curved swords.  Truth is there are a lot of curved type swords.  And then this guy is flipping off a ladder (um . . .. really?) but most of his grace ends there.  These night elves strike me as feral mostly and curved swords are actually harder to use then straight swords and the strength/force to injury model used by curved blades is different and more complicated then straight edged weapons.  If you're fighting an armored target you're better off with a club then a sword most of the time (no joke).

Why do I think the Elves are feral?  Because they lack sophistication in their assault.  All they used were siege ladders (not bad by itself) but there wasn't much archer support for them.  There is no mention of their armor or what they're wearing.  WE have so little setting, it's actually annoying. Physically and mentally annoying.  It hurts, actually hurts, because we are given so little.

On to the actual fighting.

Here in the story you start to shine more.  Here your writing feels alot like Joe Abercrombie and that's not a bad thing.  I love Abercrombie's work.  Not for it's originality (of which there is little, to be honest) but for what he does with what he has.  His descriptions of fighting, they way he writes it, you both are similar in that regard and fighting is what Joe does best.  Unlike Joe, however, you don't seem to actually know what it is you're writing about.

A major turn off for me was how the fighting was done in the story.  The way the weapons were used, the way the siege went, the way people moved around the field . . . it all felt generic, like you'd watched some bad movies and went from there.  The armor felt more like a costume then actual armor.  Armor is just as much a weapon and shield as a weapon and shield.  If you want a great example of this, the times where Gorst is fighting in "The Heroes" (by Joe Abercrombie) is a perfect example.  Gorst is so good at fighting, killing people and deflecting blows and recovering from the unforeseen is so natural and easy for him, while Red Beck is so clumsy and cowardly.  Every fighter has their own character on the battlefield and Joe brings even the most minor of characters to life through the fighting.

Action is not just a big hook.  It is not "the fun part."  Particularly in fantasy where we have swordsmen often, action scenes should be a way of drawing character out.  At this you did okay.  While I could recognize bad action movie syndrome, I still found myself enjoying it because there was a level of intensity to it.  Seeing Albione beat people in the face or stomach was easy in your minimalist writing.  While I would have loved more setting, the action was good enough to keep me going.

About the healing.  Personally, I hate healing magic.  That makes me think D&D and the like right away.  It also removes some of the tension.  If the heroes can simply heal themselves, there is less impact when they take an injury.  I also hate wizards and the like in stories because, in part, their power is so undefined.  And that's another problem with this piece.  Albione's magic is so undefined once he starts healing, I start wondering what else he can do and why he isn't doing it.

Oh yeah, and I still havn't come up with something satisfactory to replace huuk with.  Still working on it.

In which Jin meets a "nurse" and does the impossible.

Yay, I got the next chapter done!  I have something for Monday now.

I would say don't change it, but if you give a better explaination of how it happens (and by better I mean something, not a whole science).  Like "Something about pushing one soul into the other soul that makes it impossible to go back into the body.  it was all very hushed and vague as far as everyone else was concerned."

Just a suggestion.

No offense taken hubay, and if I am willing to be honest, you're right.  I am quite mean to first timers.  It's honestly not as bad as I made it out to be.  Opening with the characters talking is a good thing.  The format of the story telling was good.  It strikes me as a particularly character based story and that's a good thing.

I am going to preface this by saying I am likely bias against this genre of comic.  As much as I love comics in general, there is little in the "YA" category I enjoy.  That doesn't mean there isn't stuff I DO enjoy, there just isn't much.  Now on to the critique.

I am already disinterested in the characters because of how ridiculously cliche they are.  the nerdy kid makes me think "Martin Sue," since with the name Kevin I'll assume you're male.  The touch chick makes me think . . . well . .. about every other nerdy boy, touch chick combo I've seen.  Their introductions, him reciting radical facts and mathmatic equations was almost the most boring thing i've ever read.  Not because the character interactions weren't interesting (there was some decent dialogue there) but because that kind of reaction has been done a hundred thousand times.

Emily's description of fighting people seems to have served 2 purposes, and one of which is likely unintentional.  The first is, it did indeed make her seem "tough" so good job. The second is that she is totally incompetant as a fighter.  If this was intended, you did it brilliantly and should be praised for your amazing skills (no sarcasm, honest truth).  If this was not intended, then this is simply a matter of research.  I, personally, know an absurd amount of martial arts trivia and from your description of the manuever you didn't know the name of, I didn't know it either.  This means, unless you can demonstrate it to the artist yourself, he or she is probably not going to have an idea either.

Secondly, anyone who actually tries to kick a knife out of a hand as a primary attempt at a disarm is going to get their foot cut open unless he or she is wearing some pretty heavy boots.  And that only works if the knife fighter isn't holding it in a reverse grip (thus meaning he's actually competent at it and not just an idiot with a blade).  And that's assuming the guy she's kicking isn't fast enough or trained or experienced to actually catch the foot and stab her in the shin.  So like I said, this is either brilliant or flawed, depending on your intentions.

Alright, on to comic formating.  Do you have an artist already?  If you do, great.  If your artist doesn't flake on you, even better!  I'm going to assume you've already thought through publication and are formating everything toward that goal, so that is the last I will say on the subject.

My overall feelings with the piece is that there is nothing here to hook me or even make me want to pick up the next volume.  The characters aren't all that interesting, the situation is bland with the exception at the end with the funky red-eyed animal but that really wasn't enough.  The writing isn't bad, but aside from the voice in his head with a name, everything was cliched and predictable.  to be fair though, if you had not added the hints of supernatural whatever at the end there, I would have been dissappointed.  But I think that's personal for just me.