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Messages - wcarter4

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46
Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: January 14, 2009, 12:03:28 AM »
I do have insurance and more importantly, I have the serial number off the box the TV came with that the burglar(s) was too stupid to steal. I was able to give it to the police so now if it shows up in a pawn shop I'll get it back.

47
Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: January 13, 2009, 09:10:41 PM »
incluing my tv and laptop, $1400 worth of stuff was stolen out of my room, my suitemate's audiomixer was stolen out of his. >:( >:( >:(

48
Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: January 13, 2009, 08:10:01 PM »
Well, everyone can feel free to laugh at me or whatever because I can't submit this week :'( I was about 2/3 done with a chapter when I asked to submit then all hell broke loose. My dorm was burglarized, the UGA network went down, and I found out my little sister is getting married on Valentine's day all one right after the other over from Thursday through Monday. Now not only is my chapter STILL only 2/3 done with the first draft, but my precious TV is gone along with one of my laptops. Someone must die.
So there it is, start laughing at me if you want, I'm going to go wollow is self-pity and plot the death of the infidel who stole my stuff.

49
Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: January 08, 2009, 06:23:48 PM »
Can I submit Monday oh great and noble masters? I'm finally over the nightmare time-drain known as the holidays

50
Reading Excuses / Re: Jan 5th, 2009 - Birthright - Chapter 2
« on: January 05, 2009, 11:40:27 PM »
Your welcome, :) but what I meant was birthrights aside, there are many disarming techniques for firearms (especially pistols) that have been around since their invention.  Powers or no authorities are generally not dumb enough to let someone touch their gun.
This knowledge comes from over eight and a half years of experience in various martial arts. I think you can make it work though, if since it's evident that he is already surrounded by people with guns.

51
Reading Excuses / Re: Midnight Sun chap. 1
« on: January 05, 2009, 06:48:51 PM »
Well, It has a sort of anime meets X-men academy meets Hogwarts feel to it, and I certainly hope we get some explanation soon I want to know why that poor red-skinned monster was accosted by the white one.
I really like Thomas so far, he has a personality I could easily attribute to several of my artist friends and he seems quite believable (if foolishly brave).
Some descriptions of the monsters and their actions need work such as
Quote
.  The creature tried to spew those black bullets of shadow stuff, but the figure dodged those just as easily.
tried doesn't need to be in the sentence if it did shoot and black bullets of shadow stuff sounds like the narrator is confused about the description more than that Thomas is.

52
Reading Excuses / Re: 1-5-09 - Ace Tomato Company - Chapter Two
« on: January 05, 2009, 06:13:31 PM »
Wow, it's hard to tell it's even the same story with such a drastic change in voice and mood.
You do realise you moved from 3rd person omniscient in chapter one to 3rd limited right in this chapter right? For the record, I think you make it work a lot better.
The flashback to childhood is nice, but it fails to show a picture of just what was so bad about 323's past if he is really supposed to be one of those characters. You might also consider setting up a transition between one and two if that's the order you intend to keep them in.
Overall there isn't much to complain about. I'm going to give each submission a more in-depth second read and post again if I find anything I missed on the first run.

53
Reading Excuses / Re: Crashers Pro-Chap 1 12/29/08
« on: January 05, 2009, 05:47:40 PM »
I must say "even a slight case of death" has got to be the funniest quote ever.
This is far improved from the original version. I would say the only problems I saw were one it's risky to have that much narration before the characters begin to really appear for fear of boring the reader and two its equally risky to mention the 9/11 bombings in any controversial manner. There is simply no way to do that without offending someone. That doesn't mean to take it out, just realise that as writers we tread a knife's edge when it comes to peoples' feelings.

54
Reading Excuses / Re: Jan 5th, 2009 - Birthright - Chapter 2
« on: January 05, 2009, 04:00:34 PM »
I'm certainly enjoying the story so far. I didn't see any major problems on my first read through except that Leringould shouldn't have let Boone touch his gun. I doubt anyone would be that stupid, and while it doesn't have to be changed if  eventually answered, WHY would Leringould not know at least a little bit about the birthright of the man he was chasing after? It makes even less sense if they had encountered one another before.

55
Reading Excuses / Re: Jan 5th - Untitled
« on: January 05, 2009, 03:40:53 PM »
Well I must say I like the idea of modern feudalism for a setting as that seems to be what your going for at least. The one glaring problem I saw was in your sentence and paragraph structures. Your paragraphs are all too long, especially the first one. There are a couple of natural breaks in it you can take advantage of. Your sentences are also too identical. Shorten some and make a couple slightly longer to help the flow.
The next problem was repetition. You tend to use the same word or description multiple times in every paragraph starting with saying that Chantelle isn't what people think of as a lady. I don't think they all have to be changed, but the descriptive phrases could use substitution.
Finally, avoid the "show don't tell" trap.  You describe Chantelle too much without showing her actually doing anything.

56
Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: January 02, 2009, 07:57:34 PM »
The twin virtues of procrastination and delegation are the signs of a good leader Chaos.

57
Reading Excuses / Re: Ascension, Chapters 1 & 2 - 12/19/08
« on: December 29, 2008, 05:10:46 PM »
Well, I can definitely see some good world building and the beginnings of a very good magic system in this story.
For Raven I have to ask is he supposed to be insane? His thoughts are repetitive and somewhat circular and he has the emotional range of a tea spoon. These are all real, classic examples of insanity.

The other two however seem one-dimensional and their speech patterns are just as repetitive. You might consider changing a bit Illena is smug and Valan is a whiner seems to be the entire p0int of chapter one as it currently stands.

On to minor grammar nit-picking:
He smiled as the guards, armed in mere rifles, stormed the hall. (armed in mere rifles? with?)

Illena uses the word "dare" twice in the paragraph about lightning bolts too close together (consider changing)

Well I'm interested. I cant wait for the next instalment.

58
Reading Excuses / Re: Granite Sunrise
« on: December 29, 2008, 03:59:45 PM »
I might have to tweak that sentence slightly. He should be surprised to see the Shardith since Dahael wouldn't have the right to carry them before killing Vales. More than anything though, he is supposed to be interested in exactly how Dahael beat the man.
You're right about the foreshadowing dang it all.

59
Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: December 28, 2008, 03:33:30 AM »
ahhhhhhhhhhh *wham!* ouch...

60
Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: December 28, 2008, 12:23:32 AM »
*watches the conspirators from the shadows;* *jumps off a building to report to the Lord Ruler*

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