Timewaster's Guide Archive

Anyone can write 25,000 words in a day Silk. The question is can they combine those words to form a lucid, coherent story that a reader would be interested in. Otherwise one simply has to push buttons on a key board like so I I I I I I a a a a a a a a a you you you you we we we we we we we we we we we they they they they or or or and you get the idea...

that being said, if you can reach that goal. well, I tip my hat to you.

It still feels too fast overall, but it's very decent start to a story and getting a whole draft of the entire story done is quite an accomplishment.

My main gripes are this: first there is really no reason for the priest to be so afraid of the cave that I can reasonably figure out given the last two chapters, and the situation they were in. It just seems to gimmicky. The flash flood is a very real, very believable danger of a canyon in the desert. However, jumping out of a boat into a 20 foot wall of water in an area you described as being full of rocks and switchbacks would be suicide. Speaking as someone who guides kayaks and canoes along rivers, even if you weren't crushed by the boat, you would have your ribs broken and your head smashed against the rocks and sides of the canyon.  On top of that, you would almost certainly drown or succumb to the lacerations you would inevitable acquire. I doubt the priest (who seems like a smart and trained man) would have suggested that either. As an alternative maybe have them try and tie themselves to a rock and have the rope break?

Lastly, the bond with the land you sort of foreshadowed, but you still made it too easy for Selendy to find her father and for her father to simply change his mind and go back to his wife. Neither character had to actually solve the conflict on their own, you just sort of wrapped it up for them. That robs your story of its greatest potential and really screws with the readers' feelings of the passage of time.

Work on these few things in your revisions and I think you will have a very strong story that would be publishable in a literary magazine. Might I suggest the Old Red Kimono?

I always enjoy your chapters even when I don't have time to look them over enough to give a good critique.
Other than it being a bit short (cutting my enjoyment time) I only see three problems with this chapter
1. The part where Ameryst is thinking about Dantes' virtues as a friend seems a bit too mushy. It's almost there, but right now it seems more campy than sad.
2. The attempted suicide and subsequent change of heart felt a little too fast. Suicide is not something anyone thinks of lightly which I'm sure you know. Try to work on this part a bit. Ameryst is hurting, this felt a bit forced.
3. This is a somewhat minor point, but is there any reason WHY the professor would simply set Marlin up for failure without any provocation? That she does so isn't a problem but there should probably be a better explanation than that he's there as a favor to someone else.

Heh I only loose other peoples' stuff, and then, only when they want it back...

It's my fault most people didn't get it. I forgot to add it as an attachment to the original email I sent out. That being said, I had another group workshop it, so I'm not going to bother unless someone just really wants to read it.
I'll start back with Granite Sunrise and actually critiquing other peoples' work on Monday now that my mid terms are over.

Sign me up for monday I guess

Looking around, Silvia thought that this might be some kind of cell, though she didn't remember ever having been in a prison.  A giant foam index finger used in sporting events rested over her right hand; a sight which only added to her already bewildered state. She tried to pry the ridiculous thing off her hand, only to find that it was firmly attached, robbing her of its use.

She was, of course, referring to its use as a flammable object.  Silvia looked around, trying to take control of her whirling thoughts. There was something she had to do–something important.

Silvia got up from the cot, smoothing the front of the green paper gown she wore, and took stock of her situation.

'Alright, she thought, I was at the bonfire with Gus and we left to go to his flat. Why can't I remember what happened next?'

It's also required reading for most fortune 500 execs as is "The Prince" by Machiavelli