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« on: January 09, 2009, 02:08:15 AM »
I read all three of your chapters in one (the prologue and the first two chapters), and reading it as such, the story makes quite a bit of sense, so this is more of a berief review of all three in one. I read all the critiques on your chapters as well so I would know what was already said.
I was hooked almost from the start of the story, very fast passed, and very involving for me as a reader.
Throughout you have the tendency to uses awkward phrasing, and sentences every few pages. They aren’t really numerous, but every once in a while you write something that sounds like it should be in third person omniscient rather than limited and it throws me out of the story.
However, my biggest complaint is that I had assumed that the boy who the men in the prologue were looking for would be the main character and so far it doesn’t seem that way. That in and of itself isn’t a complaint, but the fact that if he is as I suspect, then he probably should’ve been introduced in at least the second chapter—on one waits past chapter three for the introduction to the main character.
All in all it is a very entertaining story so far.