Timewaster's Guide Archive

Hello, Hamster!  Welcome to our little group.  Always a pleasure to have another Mistborn / WoT addict.

Don't be shy about submitting your stuff.  None of us here are published (Well, except for Pipe, I hear) so we're all in he same boat.   Also, just remember, part of the cool thing about this group is that we like to point out the things you do right!

Looking forward to seeing you around
-J

At long last!  I've been looking forward to reading your work. (Mostly so I can return the favor with the mean comments... just kidding!) 

Right off the bat, in the prologue, I love that the POV character is some kind of mage familiar.  Very cool. 

The "thinking brackets" <> bother me though.  I think you'd have the same result with italics and/or simple quotes, but that's just me.  I'll get over it.

Garrad was outraged. Vernack knew it even before he leapt from the throne, blue eyes blazing and hands balled into fists.

.

Show, don't tell.  The first sentence told us his mind set.  The second part of the second sentence showed us.  Go with the show.

By page 4, I'm already overloaded with teasers.  I know prologues can be a great place for setting up stuff that can be explained later, but my gut feeling is that you can do that once.  Twice, at the most.   So far though, you've mentioned wars, drow, Elbans, demons, and gatherings of mages.  That's fine, but just consider explaining all this stuff as you introduce it.   

...the new Bearer would come of the Queen's blood, so her line will keep it and see the prophecy fulfilled."

Is this what your story is going to be about then?  (Neat.)

The end of the prologue was pretty abrupt. I like how you fast forward many years.  Just consider doing it a little more smoothly

You have a huge imagination.  I'm really excited about this story. Elves, drow, betrayals, wizards, etc... I eagerly look forward to more.    Unfortunately, most of the prologue -especially the the first 5 pages-- fell apart for me. I was completely lost, and that took me out of the story.  Sure, I could follow the basic idea, but having no context to put things in on frustrated me.  Also, with the exception of the first few paragraphs, I never got a sense of where the characters were, or who else was physically present.  (I like the idea of Vernack having a whole gathering of peers "listening in" on his conversations though)  Things got better starting on page 6,however, when the elves arrive.  Consider possibly just starting it right there. 


Regarding Chapter 1....

SO much better.     The prose here is almost from a different writer. (LOL, Again, I'm teasing, but it IS stronger and more in control here)   It's not as hurried and is far easier to read.  I wouldn't necessarily say this chapter is "exciting" per say, but its neat to see what these elf boys and girls are doing.

I find it odd that a teenage (??) elf would refer to girls as "elf-maids" or "elf-girls".  Wouldn't that be like you or I walking around talking about "human girls"?   I could expect a HUMAN character to say "elf-maiden", but not an elf.  Make sense?

That's a...um... pretty blunt way to tell kids that their mother is dead. Felt a little out of place for the king, even though we were just getting to know him.

“What exactly do you think I could have done about it? Sickness cannot be fought off by silly things like swords, you know.”

This line bothered me quite a bit.  That's a really, really shallow thing to do at a time like this.   Maybe this king is a jerk.  If that was your desire... well done!  (And bonus points for having his sons only refer to him as "Sire")    But if you're looking for this king to have any sort of warmth or wisdom or gentleness to him, this line is out of place.

(Edit... after reaching chapter 2, I see that he's a jerk.  So... yeah, good line!)

Overall -- good job! I'm looking forward to catching up and reading the rest.


 

If Shkat is a replacement for a certain four letter English word that starts with the same sound, then I'd prefer to have a spade called a spade...

Does anybody else have any thoughts regarding this?  Yes, "shkat" was intended to be a replacement for sh**, and is Aric's way of using it.  I guess I could just call it what it is, but generally in sci-fi/fantasy, I see a lot of authors use replacements for cuss words.

It works really well in Battlestar Galactica, anyway!  Then again, using the work "frak" is just a really creative way to get around using swear words on TV.

I intend to use more cuss words in later chapters because the characters would likely use them.  But I don't want to pull the reader too far out of the world to do it.

What do you think?

I understand your MC needed to let go or release some built up pressure, but it just was a disappointment.  I was hoping that there was going to be some romantic flame built between Angel and him but instead they only held hands and he cried all night.  It's just me.  I do get that he is torn between the memory of his wife, a vampire lady who I missed out on, and Angel.  Basically...you know the story, if this scene is 100% necessary, keep it.  If not...lose the crying and get some kissing going on! lol

I respectfully disagree.  The sexual tension in the story is good.  Tension in books is good.  Keep it.  The moment you have them jump each other's bones is the minute that tension leaves.  And quite honestly, asside from the sexual tension, Angel hasn't got a lot going on otherwise.  Yet.  Just need time to develop her character.

I just read your email for your NEXT installment (chap 19 ...) and it said:

Unfortunately, this woman is a spiting image of his dead wife, Kim.

This was not apparent to me in chapter 18.  Yes, you compared their eyes, and it was clear that Jason thought of Kim, but beyond that, I did not get the sense that she was the "spitting image" of her.   May want to clarify

J

Hey there,

Something occured to me as I read this chapter. The book started out with a certain tone and pacing. Chapter 1 was awesome. I love pretty much every word.  Now, 14 chapters later, I'm finding it to have a completely different tone.  Yes, your writing is still very good. The fast pace is there, which is also great.  But it just feels like a different book.  And I'm reading these chapters all in one sitting.    I'm not suggesting you drastically change anything. I'm just suggesting that you may want to somehow hint in the earlier chapters at what's to come: vampires, soul-stealing demons, the second ring of hell, etc. 

Just food for thought. 

Specific feedback

page 1:  The "Go to hell" and "What the hell?" jokes got old quick.  I suggest no more than 2, if even that many.

The Deamion tossed a piece of parchment down as I lay there,

 

Would Jason recognize parchment?  Or would he think it was just paper, and later realize it was parchment?

I must have asked this aloud because a small, sad boy answered me.

Needs clarification. I didn't realize at first that it had materialized.  If it does, a more accurate description would be helpful.

Regarding Miranda's POV....  I'm convinced that she sounds different than Jason, and that she sounds like a female.     Good job.  I actually like her a lot.  She's quite cute.  Especially when she has lines like:

Yes, I can do that.  I am a Vampire; remember?

I enjoyed Jason's camping trip.  The best part is how you have him be so realistically clueless about things like types of trees and stuff like that.  Heck, I only know a few tress myself.

Hmmm... this new girl  (she sounds and looks Romanian in my mind), is interesting.  But I don't trust her yet.  If that was your intent; good job.

One more thing and then I'll leave you alone, your font left me squinting for a few hours. It really hurt my eyes, and I have good eyes,    see.

Hmm. I just used courier new. Double spaced. 10 pt.

Did anybody else have trouble?  It works well for me, but I can export differenly next time.