Dec 15 - Queen'sOpal - Part 1

[Dangerbutton]

Took me quite a while to get around to reading this one, but I finally did. Yay me!
   Anyhow, I really liked your writing up until the very end of chapter one. I thought the dialogue was really well done up until the conversation with their father. At that point, I'm not sure what it was, but the dialogue just didn't feel real, and it wasn't interesting. However, up until that point, I thought your writing was very well done.
   I was very intrigued by the prologue. The Dragonet character is interesting, and I'd like to see more of him (Of course, had I been on the ball and been reading these things when they were posted, I probably would have seen more of him by now).
   I wasn't entirely convinced by Garrad's little outbursts, though. Maybe if I understood more of the background, I would see why he got so angry, but from what I knew,  it just didn't seem realistic. However, I though you did really good describing his appearance and mannerisms.

[Frog]

Yay Danger! I'm actually impressed so many people were willing to read this submit... it was rather long, but now this thread is officially 4 pgs, though a lot of that had to do with thread hacking than my actual writing prowess now that I think about it....
Background on prologue coming later I promise! It was purely a hook, nothing more (which is why its my prologue, not the 1st chp), though it certainly seemed to do the trick... at least far better than any of my later writing. Almost makes me wish I could bring Vernack back earlier than I do, but I don't know how it would fit... that and he is the closest thing I have to the wise old man archetype and him coming too early would ruin some (if not all) of my plot twists... He's just too smart for his own good....
Oh, well. I'll just have to keep working on making my other characters more interesting....
Thanks again!

[jwdenzel]

At long last!  I've been looking forward to reading your work. (Mostly so I can return the favor with the mean comments... just kidding!) 

Right off the bat, in the prologue, I love that the POV character is some kind of mage familiar.  Very cool. 

The "thinking brackets" <> bother me though.  I think you'd have the same result with italics and/or simple quotes, but that's just me.  I'll get over it.

Garrad was outraged. Vernack knew it even before he leapt from the throne, blue eyes blazing and hands balled into fists.

.

Show, don't tell.  The first sentence told us his mind set.  The second part of the second sentence showed us.  Go with the show.

By page 4, I'm already overloaded with teasers.  I know prologues can be a great place for setting up stuff that can be explained later, but my gut feeling is that you can do that once.  Twice, at the most.   So far though, you've mentioned wars, drow, Elbans, demons, and gatherings of mages.  That's fine, but just consider explaining all this stuff as you introduce it.   

...the new Bearer would come of the Queen's blood, so her line will keep it and see the prophecy fulfilled."

Is this what your story is going to be about then?  (Neat.)

The end of the prologue was pretty abrupt. I like how you fast forward many years.  Just consider doing it a little more smoothly

You have a huge imagination.  I'm really excited about this story. Elves, drow, betrayals, wizards, etc... I eagerly look forward to more.    Unfortunately, most of the prologue -especially the the first 5 pages-- fell apart for me. I was completely lost, and that took me out of the story.  Sure, I could follow the basic idea, but having no context to put things in on frustrated me.  Also, with the exception of the first few paragraphs, I never got a sense of where the characters were, or who else was physically present.  (I like the idea of Vernack having a whole gathering of peers "listening in" on his conversations though)  Things got better starting on page 6,however, when the elves arrive.  Consider possibly just starting it right there. 


Regarding Chapter 1....

SO much better.     The prose here is almost from a different writer. (LOL, Again, I'm teasing, but it IS stronger and more in control here)   It's not as hurried and is far easier to read.  I wouldn't necessarily say this chapter is "exciting" per say, but its neat to see what these elf boys and girls are doing.

I find it odd that a teenage (??) elf would refer to girls as "elf-maids" or "elf-girls".  Wouldn't that be like you or I walking around talking about "human girls"?   I could expect a HUMAN character to say "elf-maiden", but not an elf.  Make sense?

That's a...um... pretty blunt way to tell kids that their mother is dead. Felt a little out of place for the king, even though we were just getting to know him.

“What exactly do you think I could have done about it? Sickness cannot be fought off by silly things like swords, you know.”

This line bothered me quite a bit.  That's a really, really shallow thing to do at a time like this.   Maybe this king is a jerk.  If that was your desire... well done!  (And bonus points for having his sons only refer to him as "Sire")    But if you're looking for this king to have any sort of warmth or wisdom or gentleness to him, this line is out of place.

(Edit... after reaching chapter 2, I see that he's a jerk.  So... yeah, good line!)

Overall -- good job! I'm looking forward to catching up and reading the rest.


 

[jwdenzel]

I've read the other replies in this thread, and I'd like to clarify some of my own opinions:

- Traditional Tolkien / D&D elves tend to be a little dull.  But I'm not interesting in judging that. If you have a good story, and it happens to involved elves... great. 

- The prologue is certainly more "exciting" than chapter 1.  But it's very much IMO a confused and overloaded cluster.  There's a ton of potential for that to be a good chapter, but things need to be about 400% more clear and focused for it to work.

[Frog]

I wasn't that mean was I? Maybe I was... it happens sometimes.  Oh, well, now I can be sure that you'll be really picky when you read my stuff.  

Hmm.... that's a twist: Someone who had more issues with the prologue then chp 1! But I definitely see your point. Prologue is in overdrive and the rest of the book slows down to explain it; probably too much in certain places. My biggest thing right now is figuring out how to make it all work together.... As you could probably tell, lots and lots of stuff going on... My lack of focus is sure to be my undoing.

...the new Bearer would come of the Queen's blood, so her line will keep it and see the prophecy fulfilled."

Is this what your story is going to be about then?  (Neat.)

That's a good sized chunk of it, yes. Good luck guessing who it is 

“What exactly do you think I could have done about it? Sickness cannot be fought off by silly things like swords, you know.”

This line bothered me quite a bit.  That's a really, really shallow thing to do at a time like this.   Maybe this king is a jerk.  If that was your desire... well done!  (And bonus points for having his sons only refer to him as "Sire")    But if you're looking for this king to have any sort of warmth or wisdom or gentleness to him, this line is out of place.

It's supposed to bother you. It bothers me too.  Stupid, stupid king....  But he will be explored later, like I said somewhere else.

Traditional Tolkien / D&D elves tend to be a little dull.  But I'm not interesting in judging that. If you have a good story, and it happens to involved elves... great. 

That's my opinion too. Tolken elves are very BORING. My elves on the other hand... well I'll let you judge for yourself. I like them though.

All good things to think about... thank you so much for getting to it!

[little wilson]

You're just a mean, mean person, Jacque. It's about time someone showed you just how mean you really are....

And you're not alone in liking your elves. I like them too. They're much more relatable than Tolkien elves. Relatability is ALWAYS a good thing.

[Frog]

You're just a mean, mean person, Jacque. It's about time someone showed you just how mean you really are....

Wow, just tell me how you really feel wilson, but I guess I deserve it. I did kill off that one character after all.... 

[little wilson]

Yes, you did *tear*....I understand why, but still. I LIKE that character. A lot.....And I know I'm not the only one. I almost want to ask how the person died. I know they were killed, but by what method? I'm curious if it was a worthy death. And if they fought back. S/He did, didn't s/he?

(Yes, I do know the gender of said person. I'm being purposefully vague, so no other readers can possibly figure out who I mean in the future....cuz that would be sad to be spoiled like that)

[jwdenzel]

You're just a mean, mean person, Jacque. It's about time someone showed you just how mean you really are....

You'll get your turn next, little_wilson.  I saw those mean and horrible comments you left for my work.  ;-)

And you're not alone in liking your elves. I like them too. They're much more relatable than Tolkien elves. Relatability is ALWAYS a good thing.

But more seriously now, one thing I forgot to add was that while I was reading your stuff Jacque, was that your elves simply felt like humans  to me.  In chapter 1 there wasn't anything that made them... elfish.  I think you mentioned their long lives, and maybe a few minor physical differences, but so far that's it.   I whole-heartedly think that you need a relatable protagonist (which you have, I think!) but so far, I don't see why you just didn't make him a human. 

Looking forward to reading more and seeing unique elven traits that fit the character and feel right for the story.


J

[little wilson]

You'll get your turn next, little_wilson.  I saw those mean and horrible comments you left for my work.  ;-)

Oh, that hurts. I was NICE. I even called myself dense (I think. I know I insulted myself. I just can't remember what I said specifically...). But if you want to start this, let's start it. It can be the War of Mean Comments....

And if someone wants to throw out a better name for the war, go ahead. Because that attempt was LAME.

[Frog]

Come on Wilson, it's 'insert character name here'! Of course s/he fought back! I could never be that cruel to my character. I like him/her too much. 

I don't see why you just didn't make him a human. 

Oh, there are reasons. Lots and lots of reasons. Maybe not in the first chps when they are only interacting with each other, but the differences/reasons should be coming. At least I hope so. But mostly, he's an elf because I enjoy them and I am the evil writer and get to write what I enjoy whether other people enjoy them or not . J/k. All input/opinions are appreciated and taken very seriously.

You'll get your turn next, little_wilson.  I saw those mean and horrible comments you left for my work.  ;-)

Oh, that hurts. I was NICE. I even called myself dense (I think. I know I insulted myself. I just can't remember what I said specifically...). But if you want to start this, let's start it. It can be the War of Mean Comments....

Oh man, this can only end in tears...mostly mine. 
You just watch yourself. I still can get my army of theoretical mutant veggies if need be.