Hi Revast,
Thanks for sharing this chapter with us. As before, your ability to create a gritty...uh... desaturated... world feels right for this story. I like it.
Constructively, I'll say that once again I had a hard time getting into it. I think it has to do with the fact that I was unable to immediately connect to your protagonist. In a prologue, you can get away with being vague and mysterious. But for chapter 1, I really want to know who the viewpoint character is, where he's at, and what he's trying to do. Most importantly, I want to know what's at stake and what he's fighting for. While you address those issues, I was unable to get a very clear read on it. By the end of the 1st page, I had to fight the urge to start skimming; looking ahead for text that would be easier to digest. And by the end of the chapter, his motivations left a little flat. Who do we, as readers, care if he gets this message to Bruav? From the prologue, we know that Bruav was a jerk and dies. So what if he doesn't get his letter. What we NEED to care about is your protagonist and his mission somehow.
1st paragraph.... I was confused about all the mountain stuff. It read awkwardly to me. More importantly, I'm not really sure it adds anything to the story.
You’re out there somewhere, I can feel you. I just bloody wish I could see you.
[/i]
Great line. Consider opening the chapter with this and just go from there. Everything before it was sorta... blah.
It collapsed dead in the cold tundra, nearly crushing Proast beneath its frame
Would a horse really do that? Or would it fall eventually and then pant for a while before eventually passing away? I'm not sure. I've never rode a horse to death. But might be worth investigating.
On page 2, when the first arrow is shot at him... your paragraphs continue to be really dense. If you would like fast-paced action here, consider making much short paragraphs. It reads faster and adds to the feel of action. (And would an arrow really "clatter"? Maybe if somebody dropped a bunch of them on some rocks, but an arrow shot at full force would make a sound different than that IMO)
Here's an example of how maybe you could alter a sample paragraph. Please accept my apologies if you think I'm micro-managing too much here:
ORIGINAL
Course decided, he moved briskly, decisively, running at an angle away from where he thought his hunters crouched, hoping to avoid giving them an easy target. “Much easier to hit a man running away than one running across your vision,” he could almost hear Tracker saying. “If you have to present yourself a target, best make it a difficult one.” An arrow clattered somewhere off behind him amidst the rocks, and another embedded itself in snow three paces before him. Then he crashed through the brush rushing into the trees, amidst a measure of safety, amazed that he was in fact still alive. No time for self-congratulation however, they would be close behind. Keeping to the shadows as best he could, changing direction often, though always moving northward, he ran. His friends always proclaimed him the fastest, though truth be told it had more to do with their desire to avoid running than his excelling at it. Today he hoped there words proved to be more than just self-serving talk.
Proast decided in that instant that he much preferred fighting to running away. He’d had little opportunity to do either, but the few raids Brauv called him to, his emotions battling between scared shitless, wanting to curl up into a ball and the bestial rage of killing were far preferable to the constant dread of an arrow through his back at any moment. Better to face an enemy you can see than fear one you can’t. Running at this pace was a constant struggle between giving into his exhaustion, and clinging to the fear of getting caught. Lungs burning, legs on the verge of cramping, his mouth as dry as the sands of Palma, yes, he much preferred fighting.
And now a suggested edit with the intent of increasing the intensity:
Course decided, he moved briskly, decisively, running at an angle away from where he thought his hunters crouched, hoping to avoid giving them an easy target.
“Much easier to hit a man running away than one running across your vision,” he could almost hear Tracker saying. “If you have to present yourself a target, best make it a difficult one.”
[Suddenly,] An arrow clattered somewhere off behind him amidst the rocks, and another embedded itself in snow three paces before him.
Then he crashed through the brush rushing into the trees, amidst a measure of safety, amazed that he was in fact still alive. No time for self-congratulation however, they would be close behind.
Keeping to the shadows as best he could, changing direction often, though always moving northward, he ran. His friends always proclaimed him the fastest, though truth be told it had more to do with their desire to avoid running than his excelling at it. Today he hoped there words proved to be more than just self-serving talk.
Proast decided in that instant that he much preferred fighting to running away. He’d had little opportunity to do either, but the few raids Brauv called him to, his emotions battling between scared shitless, wanting to curl up into a ball and the bestial rage of killing were far preferable to the constant dread of an arrow through his back at any moment.
Better to face an enemy you can see than fear one you can’t.
Running at this pace was a constant struggle between giving into his exhaustion, and clinging to the fear of getting caught. Lungs burning, legs on the verge of cramping, his mouth as dry as the sands of Palma, [he ran harder]
[Y]es, he much preferred fighting.
Breaking it up like that also makes it easier for the reader to digest.
BTW, FWIW, (wow, that's a lot of acronyms), the mountain countryside sounds pretty. I want to go there. Just without the people trying to kill me.
I enjoyed how the pursuer died while trying to cross the river. Normally I'd say it was silly how he just died without the protagonist taking action, but in this case, you made it believable. Well done.
These are
guards chasing him? Doesn't sound like their guarding anything.
I did not understand until the scene was over that the 7 foot guy just left. WHy did he do that? They pursued your hero across untold miles; over a desert, over a raging river, and now he simply left because they ran into some hidden spiked pits? Even if he didn't flee, but simply went somewhere else, he would have found Proast when he screamed and tried to remove the arrow from his shoulder. (And yes, I know he shows up later, but it's days later, right?. I'm not sure I buy that)
I get the sense that your internal dialogue in italics is being over-used. Maybe I'm just being picky though. Same for Tracker's "sayings". One or two was fine. Beyond that, and Tracker started to get on my nerves.
The shock in the guards eyes must have been mirrored in Proast’s own as the sword point burst forth from his stomach.
Dues Ex Machina. If this is how you want the scene to play out, be sure to setup the possibility (even if it's faint) earlier on in the chapter.
“Unbelievable,” the guard groaned before falling to his knees and rolling over on his back. Proast found himself in total agreement.
Agreed.
It needs to be somewhat believable that it could have happened.
Last thing... the chapter could probably be stronger. "Beginnings" is about as generic as you get. And there are no beginnings at all in this chapter, save for the fact that its chapter 1. Consider thinking up new ones. Maybe something to do with him getting a new name?
Keep going. The chapter is torn up pretty good, but you've got the basis of some really interesting characters and plot. I look forward to more.
BTW - what kind of sub-genre are you going for? Military fantasy? Or just dark fantasy in general?
J