Best Quote Lately Reincarnated

[Faster Master St. Pastor]

This happened at a Halo 2 lan party me and my friends had last week.

Brad (a friend, to me after I killed him):  "Where the heck are you, you keep jumping out of nowhere and killing me!"
Me: "I'm always behind you."
After several more kills in this manner;
McKay (another friend): "Dang it, I can't find Paris, where is he?"
At this point Brad jumped up and screamed, "He's behind you!", loud enough that his mom told us to quiet down. Ironically, I was behind him.

[Harbinger]

In math class:
"There's no 'i' in team."
"That's why jerseys only have real numbers on them."

Here's some help if you don't get it.

[42]

A Kindergarten teacher speaking to a parent:

"If you believe only half of what your child tells you about me, then I promise to believe only half of what your child tells me about you."

[Tink]

I didn't know the best place for this and didn't want to start a new thread, so I hope this works. The following comes from today's Daily Universe, Police Beat:

"A student reported a suspicious individual with long gray hair and beard inside a restricted lab in the Clyde Building. Upon arrival, the investigating officer found a mannequin in the reported location."

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

For those of you unfamiliar with Hello, Dolly! you may not get this. But it's a regular favorite among the feminine portion of the Ehlers family (ie, most of it) and the songs are well known.
Thus the following happened in my home yesterday:

Rachael (age 4) (singing):  "It takes a woman! A fat guy woman!"
Sarah (age 6): "No Rachael. It's grandchild woman."
Rachael: "Grandchild? Ok."
Rachael (singing): "It takes a woman! A grandchild woman!"

[Sigyn]

'Tell me who you are, and what you think you're doing here, and I'll let you out.'

'No,' said the intruder. 'My lips are sealed by oath. But you can't let me drown in orange juice. It is not a manly death.'

Corkoran considered this.  The man did have a point.

[Shrain]

From an episode of "The Office" called "The Convict"

Dwight: Prison Mike, what's the very, very worst thing about prison?

Angela: [under her breath] Don't encourage him, don't...

Michael (aka "Prison Mike"): The worst thing about prison was the... was the Dementors! They were flying allllll over the place and they were scary and then they'd come down and they'd SUCK THE SOUL outta your body! And it hurt!

Karen: Dementors... like in Harry Potter?

Jim: (laughing)

Michael: No... Not Harry Potter.

[42]

This quote is actually a couple of weeks old, but I've been meaning to post this.

Elementary Education Professor 1: "I don't know about using wooden toothpicks in the activity with the (kindergarten) children. Maybe we should use plastic?"

Elementary Eduation Professor 2: "Plastic (toothpicks)? I can even kill a pilot with one of those."

[Aen Elderberry]

My 3 year old, Luke, got a hair cut yesterday.  (Imagine a three year old sitting on a booster seat with just his little head sticking out of the plastic tarp.)

At home he showed my wife a plastic Batman action figure.  Luke turned Batman's cape around so that it covered the front of the figure.   "Batman's getting a haircut."

[Harbinger]

A: Is that the sound your car is supposed to make?
Me: It's the sound my car does make....

[Faster Master St. Pastor]

One of my friends: "Remember, you can pick your friends, and you can lead a horse to water, but you can't open your eyes while you sneeze."

[Gemm: Rock & Roll Star; Born to Rock]

From the Animated Superman show, Lobo has collected on Superman and is talking to the Collector.

Lobo: "Hah! That's rich. I'm the last czarnian. I fragged the rest of the planet for a high school science project. Gave myself an A."

[Spriggan]

From a comment on a story at the consumerist:

"Lord Toronaga says: If one is forced into a costly settlement over Spice Girls songs, one must commit seppuku to preserve family's honor."

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Recent gem from Sarah (age 6)

me: What are you doing?
her: chillaxin and relaxin.

[Shrain]

haha. That's so cute, SE. Sarahs are so clever. For instance.....

JEFF: Jim is trying to contact Ezekiel directly. He says he negotiated the permission for the edited article directly with him for the Free Press, and that Ezekiel approved the editing he did. Stay tuned.
 
MARY: Any news on this? Did Jim get the perm?

ME: Actually, I think Jim went with a buzz cut instead. The stylist said it would be much more flattering than a perm. Go figure.