August 8 – Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch15

[hubay]

Woo! we have a loooot of submissions this week.

Anyways, here's the second half of last time's chapter. a couple notes: it probably feels like I've introduced several characters late in the game. As i've mentioned before, Jhuz is only one of 3 POV's, but i want to write them seperately so i can focus more on the character arcs. Lisu is one of those POV's. Also, i can't have jhuz stay in camp for too long because in another chapter/chapter and a half i need him back with the legion to keep the story moving. So while i want the part where he's prisoner to feel important and have an impact, i don't want it to last very long. Hopefully I can balance those two out. Let me know what you think!

Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch. 15 (L, S, V)
2,500 words

Summary  Jhuz has been captured by Hex, an octupos-metsi assassin.

Synopsis – Jhuz wakes up outside the Nothroi encampment.

[Will777r]

Good chapter. I  really liked the General. Up to this point we haven't had a ton of up close contact with the Noithroi, but I've enjoyed every interaction with them.

The introduction of Lisu threw me a bit. I'm curious how you're going to do these PoV's? Will they be occurring simultaneously, bouncing back and forth, or will her PoV come later in the story? I think if it's not simultaneous, you might want to tell us a bit more about Lisu in this chapter. It was hard to engage with her when there was little to connect Jhuz to her for me. If we'll already know her by now, then I think it will read just fine. Her take is definitely interesting. I'd say I'm curious to see how everything works out between her and Jhuz, but I'm more interested in the Chell heh.

I really like your story line so far - I find it interesting.

Will777r

[hubay]

Yeah, They will be simultaneous eventually. I just found that writing 3 POV's at once got difficult and confusing.

Thanks for the feedback! I'll get around to everyone else's stories later today.

[SkyhunterCommander]

I enjoyed the chapter, (though I do hope we see Hex again). I figured that part of what would happen was seeing that the Nothroi were not the 'savages' the Legion thinks they are, but that's something to be expected when there is a war, so though I kind of expected it, it makes sense. And I like that the Nothroi are not what we've been led to expect so far (and that within them are opposing elements, some of which likely led to how the Legion soldiers think of them).

I am interested in where things are going to go (for example how Jhuz will get away within another chapter or two), but I will also say that I hope that Jhuz doesn't go down the whole 'they're not savages' route, and end up changing sides. I don't see that happening at this point, but it's just something I always worry about when these kinds of situations happen.

I think that so far you're accomplishing what you set out to do (making Jhuz's imprisonment have an impact). While I personally wasn't too shocked by the realities of the Nothroi, it felt like Jhuz was pretty surprised, which is what I think your goal was.

And of course, I want to find out more about what the aim of the Chell is.

[Mad_Scientist]

This is the first I've read of your story, so I really don't know what's going on. But your stuff caught my interest anyways. The part at the end, with the chell ariving, seemed like a nice chapter cliffhanger, as I was able to tell from Lisu's reaction that their arrival is important, even if I don't know what they are.

And that's pretty much all I can say. The chapter was too short for me to get a good grasp on anything. When I see more of your work, I'll be able to offer more in depth criticism and comments.

[akoebel]

It was very interesting to see the Nothroi's side. We've been so much shown of the Imperial way that it's refreshing to see the Nothroi describe themselves as civilized and think of the Empire as a group of savages.

That being said, the thing which worries me a little here is the fact that I'm not feeling like Jhuz is in any real danger. As such, it's just like he's a tourist visiting a strange country. The scenery might be refreshing, but we know it'll end soon and Jhuz will be back to the legion.

Lisu's introduction also threw me a little off before I understood they were former friends. If she's to become one of the POV characters, I'd worry a little about the fact that so far, we've had only Jhuz's POV. It seems a little late to introduce other POV characters, since the reader won't be expecting any changes at this point.

I'm eager for the next chapter : I love the Chell!