Local Authors > Reading Excuses

Aug 8th - Sir Robert - The Midas Gauntlet - Chapter 1

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Sir Robert:
Thank you for the comments.  I will be re-working that first chapter for sure.

akoebel:
It's refreshing to see some 1st person POV here.
I'm not against it personally (the POV I hate is omniscient), so it was a good change. What's important in 1st person is the strength of the narrator's voice, and I think you got it down.

I'm not a fan of the "It all started when..." beginning. I think you can find something more original than this overused trope.

The book excerpt felt too long (and a little boring) to me. Perhaps because I don't like that sort of book about hunters and all. I almost skipped the section.

I liked how you showed that the reality is very different here : having him puking around was fun. As the others, I wonder why he wasn't called on his behaviour. I guess I'll have to read and find out.

I noted that a few times, he's referring himself as "no coward". Is he that self-deluded?
Why isn't he convinced that he's dreaming? In his place, I would be!

The last line both pleased me and left me wondering. It's a wonderful joke, but is it in character for a 14 yo boy ? What does he know about marriage really to describe it as being worse than dying?

cjhuitt:
I won't rehash what others have said (I hope).

Regarding the beginning, it is often supposed to set up the conflict that is resolved at the end -- something I'm having a problem with, so I'm looking at it also.  Right now, Tommy goes right into the books and doesn't know how to get out.  Is that the big obstacle?  If the overarching problem is something outside the books, we probably need to see an example of that before we hop into the first one.

The other thing about first person I would mention is that it is strongly tied to personality.  Right now I get hints and touches of Tommy's personality, but it's not consistent enough to keep me avidly reading.  As it stands, I would keep reading for a while, but run the risk of getting bored or setting it down and never getting back to it.

Onto details.  Most of my hunting experience is second-hand, but from what I know, an arrow through the heart will stop a buck very quickly.  Quickly enough you won't need a wolf pack to track it.  It's the shot every bow-hunter tries for, come fall.

I agree a horse would make carrying a buck much easier, but there are a couple of problems with how it is shown in this chapter.  First, taking a horse through woods with close undergrowth is difficult, and often not worth it.  Second, it would take a very well-trained horse to not shy and keep away from blood -- they are prey animals, and blood means predators.  It would be an amazingly well-trained horse that would allow a bloody carcass on its back.  Also, two strong men could carry it, especially field-dressed.  It's not easy, but doable.  This is all separate from the historical accuracy (or not -- it is after all fiction within fiction) of having horses to be tamed by people wherever the story takes place.

Also, I wasn't entirely sold on the description of the skinning.  It looked accurate enough to me, but I was hoping for a couple more strong, vivid details (from Tommy's perspective, of course).

I was also surprised by Reule not mentioning Tommy's odd behavior, but I was also surprised that Tommy didn't do more odd things.  Especially the dirt, as others have mentioned, but why didn't Tommy stop to wash off, or suggest Reule did?

Finally, if the wilderness is as big and trackless as suggested, why not kill the members of a competing tribe?  If the other people just disappeared one day, who knows what accident got them?  (I guess one member did run away, but the wolves could presumably run him down also).

Finally, nice touch with being married at the end.  On the other hand, it surprises me also, since that means the character Tommy took over from is somewhat older than I expected.

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