Author Topic: July 25-SkyhunterCommander-Untitled Sci-Fi Epic Chapter 8  (Read 2171 times)


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July 25-SkyhunterCommander-Untitled Sci-Fi Epic Chapter 8
« on: July 25, 2011, 11:34:12 PM »
Here's chapter 8.

As always, any and all feedback is appreciated.

Brief Summary: Darkclaw is able to conquer the Reathan system, but failed in another matter. He decides to approach the Felinaris with an offer of alliance. He succeeds, but something unexpected happens, something that Darkclaw was not prepared for and did not wish for.

Summaries of previous chapters:

Chapter 4: Nayasar is overworking herself, and Felivas demands that she take a mental health day.

Chapter 5: Darkclaw and the Troodons arrive at Selixan Station, a station left by the Saviors, created to rapidly build an army
 for the Troodons.

Chapter 6: Second Scion Dalcon the Bright joins a mission to find out why all contact was lost from an information storage station three weeks ago. What he finds troubles him.

Chapter 7: Three months have passed, and the Troodons have a fleet and army ready to begin the conquest. Darkclaw leads the fleet to conquer three small star systems which will serve as staging points for the primary offensive.
I will get around to giving feedback to my fellow Reading Excuses members. As soon as I can.


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Re: July 25-SkyhunterCommander-Untitled Sci-Fi Epic Chapter 8
« Reply #1 on: August 01, 2011, 09:01:00 AM »
When I opened your chapter, I told myself that there was no way I was going to read it in one sitting (I had some writing to do half an hour later).  Then, I plunged in and couldn't stop until I reached the end.

So congratulations, your chapter completely hooked me. In fact, it hooked me so well I'm wondering if it wouldn't make a strong beginning for the book.

My grievances will be few this time:
* as said in the previous chapters, Darkclaw always explains himself more than he should. All he needs to tell them is that he's going away. They don't need to know  why.
* Darkclaw's conversation with the High Lord felt a little strange to me. I got the feeling that the High Lord wasn't taken by the alliance idea, but didn't say much. The whole scene looked awkward.
* I feel that the taking of the batteries was way too easy for so little troops. Even shock troops shouldn't be able to dislodge an entrenched enemy this fast.
* How could fighters destroy capital ships? I'm willing to accept that the one which rammed his was successful (even though any ship should have navigational shields which should deflect something as small as a fighter), but the other ones went down a little too easily.
* The Felinari are very trusting people, I see : the security measures are very limited (as seen by Darkclaw's POV). Darkclaw could have gained audience with the king and killed him quite easily. Also, as a ruler, I wouldn't have signed any alliance treaty with someone I had heard of the same day - at least, not with some serious intelligence backing my decision (which they do not have). I get that there is a large political pressure to answer the Alliance's attacks, but everyone would have understood the king taking a few days to consider his options. Darkclaw never put any firm deadline on the matter, so what was the hurry?

Things I liked:
* The felinari are once more shown as feral and cat-like
* Darkclaw's emerging emotions which have been foreshadowed since the beginning.
* The Felinari's emotional response to his proposal (though I would have liked a little more insight about exactly what happened with them and the alliance)
* Nayasar's chatter with Darkclaw felt very woman-like.
* The unease between Darkclaw and Felivas

Once more, nice chapter. I hope the next will be as good as this one.


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Re: July 25-SkyhunterCommander-Untitled Sci-Fi Epic Chapter 8
« Reply #2 on: August 01, 2011, 10:26:15 PM »
Just finished reading this. It certainly didn't feel like 30 pages while I was reading. There were a few moments where I was tempted to skim, but I think that's because it's difficult for me to be in Darkclaws head sometimes. I find it hard to make a connection with him being that he doesn't have feelings. His PoV chapters read very mechanically. That being said, the twist you give him did make me more interested in what will happen to him and make him someone worth cheering for now.

I could sense the desperation of the Felinaris - a little too desperate - but we've seen that in real life with how Hitler was pandered to prior to WW2 out of a desperate desire to avoid another world war. So, it's not too far fetched.

I definitely enjoyed the chapter more when it came to the interaction between Darkclaw and the Felinaris. The beginning of the chapter still had that "news report" feel of the last chapter.

I'm interested to see where the story goes. Part of me is hoping Darkclaw takes out the High Lord, but I might be getting ahead of myself a bit heh.



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Re: July 25-SkyhunterCommander-Untitled Sci-Fi Epic Chapter 8
« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2011, 04:47:30 PM »
I agree with the others that it read more quickly than I expected.† That's a good thing.† There were pages where nothing really wrong jumped out and made me take notes.

On an overview, I'm not sure why this whole submission is one chapter.† I thought it felt like there were a couple of places it could naturally break, with the best one being at Darkclaw's departure to see the alliance.

At the start, I was very confused at the placement of the relative ships.† My recollection from the last chapter is that the Troodon force was already at the planet and in range of the ground-based defenses when the League ships entered the system from Hyperspace.† However, the beginning section is written as if the League ships are between the Troodon and the planet.† The rest of the battle plays out that way, as well.† This especially caught my attention when Darkclaw thinks that the fleet can't surround the planet, but it seems as if he had time to begin doing so even before the League shows up.

Regarding the planet's batteries, Darkclaw orders the locations of them found.† Would his crew truly not have done that without an order?† Since that was all they faced at first, I would think someone would show a touch of initiative and do that.† Also, near the beginning of this section Darkclaw thinks of the batteries as the more pressing problem, despite the fact that a) he's worried about the League ships being able to get away, and b) it's not like the ground batteries are going anywhere, and c) he can keep his ships out of range of the batteries as necessary.

The League ships are mentioned as being unable to fight back as they fled.† Why in the world would that be?† And if it is the case, the League commanders should be trained in a scenario like this, and choose some ships to fight back in order to give the messenger ships a chance to get away.

Some grammar in this section: "He though for a moment, and then a thought occurred to him."† (typo, and repetitive).† "The ship commander, in particular, had performed particularly well thus far." (repetitive)† "At this pace, they would not catch them."† (unclear)† "He was not among those appointed by the High Lord to high positions, and thus had no gift, but Darkclaw had seen fit to appoint a non-clone to that position."† (unclear, mostly in the context of the paragraph)

Referring to the Wraiths as "units" kept me thinking that there was only one being assigned to each attack.† This is probably due to a mild video-game background building units.

Since the High Lord ordered the clones made, why does he care in particular which spots are filled with clones, and which aren't?

They obviously have faster-than-light communication of some sort, that works remarkably well, since Darkclaw can have a conversation with the High Lord.† (Apparently, so does the High Lord's telepathy, or whatever he's using on Darkclaw.)† You may have addressed this before, but given the existence of this, why does killing the League ships even benefit them?† The league ships should have been immediately communicating to their superiors once they entered a system that was under attack.† You mentioned communication platforms (boosters or some such) in previous chapters, but if at all possible the League patrol should have their own booster along, as a contingency just for situations like this.

The very last paragraph of this section, after Darkclaw orders the ships to depart, is probably unnecessary and I think detracts from the strength of the end of the section.

More tactical stuff: The Felinaris detect ships on "long range scanners", well enough to determine they don't recognize the ships.† This happens before they emerge from hyperspace.† Given this information now, I suddenly wonder how any of the Troodon ships ever snuck up on the worlds they have conquered already.† Wouldn't those worlds also have scanners?† In addition, if the technology is available, wouldn't Darkclaw use it to keep from being surprised by any League Navy patrols, such as the one that surprised him just recently?

How in the world can Nayasar determine that Darkclaw is male, having never seen the species before?† Especially since she doesn't have any other members of the species to compare him to?

Grammar: "took a moment to close her moth before affirming." (spelling)† The explanation of the meaning of the Felinari words was hard for me to understand as it is written now.† "To be honest, I didnít have allocation in mind..." (spelling)† "Compared to the more lavish halls and rooms her had seen earlier" (should be "he had seen".)† "You Majesty" (spelling) "a more worth alliance" (spelling)† "though he could not indentify it" (spelling), and in that same paragraph "things" instead of "thing".†

It seems odd that an unemotional being would think it's illogical to have a small person in a position of power.† Could he not conceive of any reason why Nayasar might be appointed to that spot?† None?

Darkclaw telling them the number of ships he has tells them nothing but that he potentially has a lot of small ships.† Without sizes, that information is nearly meaningless.

How good of a strategist is Darkclaw if he was completely unprepared for a potential ally to ask why he is attacking?

It seems odd that a shuttle could only go three times the speed of a land-based animal, even if that animal can go quickly.

When contemplating accents, Darkclaw mentions the sound didn't come from either standard or the Felinari's tongue.† Where would it have come from, then?

Why would a ship not be allowed to have bright lights?

It seems odd that a logical, non-emotional being would think it's obvious that he is near the seat of power based on the decorations, or that he would even notice them except to note the frivolousness of them.

Admiral Felivas is in the waiting room to see the king, with an unknown species, in a diplomatic setting, and he leans against a wall to wait?

Near the end, Nayasar says she wasn't sure the king would accept, but she was sure he would.† Well, which one was it?

This looks like a lot of commenting, but it was a long piece as well.