Author Topic: July 18 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 6  (Read 1843 times)


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July 18 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 6
« on: July 18, 2011, 08:17:01 PM »
Hey guys :)
Here's my next chapter. As always I appreciate the suggestions and feedback!
Chapter 6 Summary - Albione returns to his family's estate to fulfill his vow of seclusion, but finds himself further away from his God.
Here's the summary's for the first 5 chapters.

Chapter 1 Summary - Albione rescues a rival militia commander, but ends up losing the knight he's sworn to protect. A night elf raid has overrun the walls

Chapter 2 Summary - Charom, Albione's older brother, is in charge of the High Priestess' guard detail when the temple comes under attack.

Chapter 3 Summary - Albione rescues the High Priestess and accompanies her and his brother Charom to the wall. What he finds is completely unexpected.
Chapter 4 Summary - Albione is summoned to a meeting with his immediate Superior to face the consequences of his actions on the wall.
Chapter 5 Summary - A messenger delivers a dangerous package to Albione's room. When he opens it, the nightmare gets worse.



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Re: July 18 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 6
« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2011, 02:27:24 AM »
I read straight through this, once I got to it, without stopping and thinking of critiques.  That's good; it means I'm interested in what happens.  Of course, it doesn't help you much, so I went back for the critique.

I personally thought the opening was a little rough.  I was hoping for more to place where it was, since I didn't know if he'd gone for his seclusion yet, or if this was another punishment for the temple, or what.  A bit more description of the place, as Albione thinks of it (the old familiar chapel from his childhood, etc.) would probably help.

I liked that Albione connected through his litany, only to have the feeling leave on speak the truth.  It plays on and emphasizes that he hasn't been defending himself or his actions to his superiors, who may not want to hear the truth.  However, it left me wondering if there was more to the litany.  If there was more, I would expect Albione to take a hint the fact that it stops when he talks about speaking truth (at least, he'll eventually take the hint).  On the other hand, if there isn't more, he may not make the association as quickly.

I must have an incorrect idea of what seclusion entails.  Not only does he interact with his servants (possibly acceptable, although I would think that would be discouraged also), he continues to meet with visitors as well.  You hint at other rules as well, including his hammer and something to do with food.  From Albione's point of view, the food seems more important than not seeing visitors, which for me is odd since the punishment was termed seclusion.  You might want to think about renaming the punishment if you intend it to be this way.

I liked that he was fighting his own thoughts and feelings since that wasn't want he was supposed to do with the seclusion.  It will hopefully make his eventual turning point that much stronger.

After talking about speaking the truth, Albione tells Rass that Benda was the man who ruined his life?  That doesn't sound exactly truthful to me, and I don't think Albione would consider it so either.  Also, you describe Albione's gut as churning when Benda's name is mentioned, but Albione nearly laughs when he sees Benda, which is quite a mood swing.  Sleep and food deprivation could do things like that, but if that is the explanation, it would be better to see hints of it before Benda.  As it is, that just sticks out.

Good for Benda for coming and thanking Albione.  That should also play well later, I hope.

You continue to have a lot of description between dialog.  It was most prominent when Charom showed up, and patted his knees with his hands between his lines of dialog.  For me, when two (or more) people are talking, what they say (and don't say) is the main thing I want to read.  Other actions are good where they convey important information, and where needed to understand the action of the scene.  Occasionally, others might  be useful to break up the dialog into proper beats.  Most of yours seem to describe actions that I would call relevant to the scene, but not super-important, so it's hard for me to say "this one should stay, that one should go".  I would encourage you to look them over and see if some can't be trimmed or consolidated.

Also, when Charom showed up, they hugged.  Now, I don't see my brother as often as I should, but if I showed up while he was in the middle of exercising in a hot sun, I'd settle for a handshake, or punch on the shoulder.  A hug right then wouldn't sound too appealing.  (He, on the other hand, might chase me down and give me a bear hug, for the exact same reason I'm trying to avoid it.)

Is Rass going to send them off again?  "Bye-bye boys, good luck overthrowing the temple"?  Think it'll work?  Well, maybe not a scene in your book, but hurray for setting Albione further on the collision-course with the temple.


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Re: July 18 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 6
« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2011, 02:45:38 PM »
I don't have much to say about this chapter.

It felt more like a waiting part than anything, so I don't have much more information now than I had before.

The thing that stuck out for me was his disproportionate reactions towards the Militia, in particular in the "he's the man who ruined my life" sentence. This was Albione's choice to heal him, so at best, it should be "the man I ruined my life for". Also, the scene between the two seemed a little too harsh. The man looked grateful to Albione, and he's attacked viciously (even if only verbally). At one point, Albione notices that he goes a little too far, but decides to continue nonetheless. This felt a little too much.

When Benda mentioned his pregnant wife, I thought it would bring memories of Ronar's children at the burial ceremony. I was a little disappointed when this wasn't mentioned.

The "because it was the right thing" felt like a resolution to me, but we find out on the next scene that Albione is still troubled (in my opinion, he expects too much). It worked as if the resolution hadn't even occurred, which is a pity.