Author Topic: RE-3/21/11-MannyBrainpan-Untitled Fantasy Serial (Part 8)  (Read 2144 times)

MannyBrainpan

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RE-3/21/11-MannyBrainpan-Untitled Fantasy Serial (Part 8)
« on: April 22, 2011, 03:46:12 PM »
Sorry I'm late and I haven't been commenting much, life has been busy. Thanks in advance for any feedback. I am slowing the pace down a bit, down to a normal story.
"It's a liger... it's pretty much my favorite animal." - Napoleon Dynamite

LongTimeUnderdog

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Re: RE-3/21/11-MannyBrainpan-Untitled Fantasy Serial (Part 8)
« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2011, 07:45:32 AM »
I didn't get anything in the email.  No link or whatever.

LongTimeUnderdog

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Re: RE-3/21/11-MannyBrainpan-Untitled Fantasy Serial (Part 8)
« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2011, 08:07:01 PM »
Now that I've read it I have a few things to say as far as mechnics go.

First using !?! in any text outside of comics . . . is not good.  Just . . . don't do it.  !?! is used to convey an exclamatory question.  A way of bringing across emotions in speech, shock, concern, surprise.  As a comic artist you only have the visual medium to work with.  The text in a novel or serial as this is can be used to describe the visual.  The pitch of the voice, the way the eyebrows move, the look on the face.  A visual medium can't talk about the voice, so they use the !?! to deal with that.

Secondly, the line "Vara's Fear was shaking Her Very being," is just a bad line.  It is not the only example of such an annoying line, but it was the first.  The First thing wrong with these kinds of lines is the word "was."  Normally it makes the sentence passive.  In this case it seems more like a rock to trip over, a bump in the road of the text.  All that and "Skaking her very being," is a really . . . really . . . really . . . cliche line.

The old dude with three mouths is interesting, I'll give you that, but the placement is odd.  We have little grasp of the magic or consequences of the magic.  This isn't a bad thing by itself; sometimes it's a good thing.  However, in this case it's just one more weird thing to toss up on the pile of gunk we as the reader are wading through.  Instead of being mysterious, it just drops out from under itself and falls into the, "Oh look, another random whatever."

The old man's personality boarders between the ridiculously cliche and the absurdly ridiculously chiche.  The crazy old guy with the weird whatever.  It's like Levenworth Smedry but less likable.  With Levenworth (from the Alcatraz vs the evil Librarians) we see wisdom in him right from the start.  He's only crazy to Alcatraz.  We as the reader can see passed that and view his power and wisdom in all he does.  He's not just a crazy old man/wizard.  He's a great, Charismatic leader.  This "barbarian" just reminds me of a stereotype from Japanese cartoons. 
« Last Edit: April 24, 2011, 09:36:17 PM by LongTimeUnderdog »

akoebel

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Re: RE-3/21/11-MannyBrainpan-Untitled Fantasy Serial (Part 8)
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2011, 08:25:51 AM »
This chapter makes a much better read than the earlier parts : it feels smoother on the story part and doesn't have the incoherences which afflicted the earlier pieces.

The man with three mouths is certainly a fun aspect, but I would worry a little about writing him. So far, you've managed three distinct voices for the same character, but it's pretty difficult to maintain (especially if those are only three mouths sharing a single brain). As a result, you've chosen to silence two-thirds of the character, which is kind of sad.

I don't know if "the average mouth" was an intended pun, but it made me laugh (the joke works on many levels).

The shadow shrinking to show only a regular-sized man felt a little cliché to me.

So, once again, congratulations on the efforts you've shown. Keep doing it!

MannyBrainpan

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Re: RE-3/21/11-MannyBrainpan-Untitled Fantasy Serial (Part 8)
« Reply #4 on: April 25, 2011, 08:55:15 PM »
Thanks everyone.
@LTU, I'm sorry about hitting all of the cliches. I will fix that. I didn't intend for the Japanese anime cliche, I didn't even think of that. I have noticed that I love to put crazy old men in my stories so I know, the wisdom part is coming. I really need more time to write these, but I just don't have it, so you guys are getting the ROUGH draft.
"It's a liger... it's pretty much my favorite animal." - Napoleon Dynamite

LongTimeUnderdog

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Re: RE-3/21/11-MannyBrainpan-Untitled Fantasy Serial (Part 8)
« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2011, 04:43:49 PM »
To be fair, I made it sound a lot worse then it is.  It's definitely the best you've submitted and it has a lot of good things going for it.

MannyBrainpan

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Re: RE-3/21/11-MannyBrainpan-Untitled Fantasy Serial (Part 8)
« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2011, 09:14:55 PM »
Thanks, I'm not offended or anything. Feedback is what I'm here for, so, I'm keeping on, and yeah I will probably rewrite parts here and there.
"It's a liger... it's pretty much my favorite animal." - Napoleon Dynamite

Asmodemon

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Re: RE-3/21/11-MannyBrainpan-Untitled Fantasy Serial (Part 8)
« Reply #7 on: May 18, 2011, 01:39:06 PM »
For starters, this chapter may just be the best one so far. It reads a lot better and nothing really glares at me. The swamp must be radioactive or something to create an old man with three mouths. There is no explanation for it in the magic system so far. I didn’t have as much problem with Sedgewick as LTU did, but he does fit the cliché crazy old man a little too perfectly.

I have to wonder though why he calls himself a barbarian when he so obviously isn’t. It could be a cover story to keep people away from him, but who would go to a swamp like that willingly anyway?

I am getting pretty annoyed though with all the characters Vara meets asking her about Dig’s history. The lizard did this all the previous chapters and now Sedgewick does the same. Whatever they want from her I’m sure can be explained without a history lesson. And especially without this insistent prompting about history from a girl who lives in a tree, I presume her whole life – and everyone knows she lived in a tree, meaning she’s had no schooling, so why keep asking? It makes the other characters reek of self-importance while at the same time putting Vara down. Pardon my language, but why is she taking this sanctimonious bullshit?