Author Topic: Re-3/26/11-MannyBrainpan-Untitled Fantasy Serial (Part 9)  (Read 1533 times)

MannyBrainpan

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Re-3/26/11-MannyBrainpan-Untitled Fantasy Serial (Part 9)
« on: April 26, 2011, 09:17:25 PM »
Here is part nine. Picks up where the last left off. Vara is having a meeting with Sedgewick who likes to call himself, "The Barbarian of Wicksedge." Like I said, I'm slowing the pace down, and I will send the file out tonight or tomorrow. (I just made the forum topic while I was able to.)
Thanks!
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akoebel

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Re: Re-3/26/11-MannyBrainpan-Untitled Fantasy Serial (Part 9)
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2011, 04:01:50 PM »
Sorry about the long delay, but the length of the piece threw me off. I just realized that I only needed to read the last 3 pages.

While I'm at it : the introduction to the whole text brutally breaks the fourth wall. I would be very attentive about that. Especially since it doesn't reappear later : it feels like a cheap joke as it is.

For Part 9.

The beginning was a little fuzzy to me (remembering school). I don't know if you plan to re-use the bits of information you've inserted here, but if not, you've opened more questions in these few lines than you answered.

The part about the barbarian's family are essentially filler : nothing very interesting here, and you leave us dangling without the answer to the last question. It was a little frustrating.

For the history lesson, it was OK. Of course, discovering she's a princess doesn't surprise (I don't think you intended it to). Be careful about the cliché, though.
The poem, though nice, didn't bring me much information, as its contents felt disconnected from Vara's personal story. Right now, I'm tempted to toss the poem aside, since it feels so irrelevant.

Final note on Vara's continuing comments that Leo seems familiar to her. You've put that bit at least 3 times before (I'm not going back to do an exact count here). I hope you unveil that one pretty soon, because every time I see this mention, it gets on my nerves.

Asmodemon

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Re: Re-3/26/11-MannyBrainpan-Untitled Fantasy Serial (Part 9)
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2011, 01:53:46 PM »
Even with the short chapter format you’ve got, that first line made me fear you were going into a long info-dump in the guise of a history lesson. Good thing Vara didn’t go for it. The aside to Sedgewick’s lost family doesn’t add much, since we can already infer plenty of what happened to this formerly renowned scholar if he’s living in a swamp.

I was really surprised to read that, at least for a time, Vara actually did go to school. My impression of her is that she’s quite young and has lived alone for some time (years?) already. That doesn’t leave much opportunity for school.

When you do get into the history of the setting I lost my suspension of disbelief.  First, this is a fantasy setting, with – as far as I can see – limited technology and except for one bloodline no magic at all. One tyrant governing a planet spanning empire is a little unlikely in that regard, though not impossible, so I’m willing to grant you that.

But then you get to the following:
 
Quote
“The exiled people, with the power of ten men, easily defeated Dig’s ruler and set up a new monarchy”
No, sorry, but no, even with the power of ten men some islanders can’t easily defeat an empire spanning the whole world. It doesn’t matter they bred an army over a number of generations, it wouldn’t be enough. Any scholar worth his salt would know this and dismiss the account as a foolish legend.

I’m also not fond of the last part of the chapter. You’re rounding up clichés fast, the latest with Vara being a princess. I’m assuming here that she’ll also be the only hope to overthrow the evil Bakra. One girl, a crazy old man, and a lizard. Be careful with this.