Author Topic: April 4th - MannyBrainpan - Untitled Fantasy Serial (Part 6)  (Read 1572 times)


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You forgot to make a topic, so I made one for you.

Iím not real happy with the opening paragraph, it reads too much like a recap of the previous five chapters and I donít think enough has happened yet to warrant a recap. The rest of it reads better, but itís also a bit implausible, at least to me.

Iíll tell you why Iím having trouble believing whatís happening.

First, the last time Vara jumped from a high place was when she jumped off a roof. Later sheís surprised at the result, so she canít have jumped like that often. So when Vara finds the leather ladder gone (where did she get such a thing, by the way?) why is she suddenly comfortable enough with her Ďmagic legsí to make the jump?

Secondly, jumping from that height with her eyes closed, is she stupid? Iím not sure she shouldíve jumped in the first place, but doing it without seeing the ground and knowing when to relax her legs and when to brace? Thatís nearly suicidal.

The first two points make me think Vara is rather stupid, and Iím sure thatís not your intent. What happens next only enforces this opinion.† She never considered that none of the villagers, who keep pursuing and persecuting her, do jumps like she does? That doesnít give her the slightest inclination to think that maybe sheís the only one who can? And if sheís so hunted by the villagers didnít anyone refer to her as the Ďjumping monsterí or something to that effect? Never once?

For someone whoís persecuted like Vara is and who lives as a hunter/scavenger in the forest she lacks a surprising amount of situational awareness. She doesnít see a huge branch she leaps at, she doesnít know how high she jumped, she has no idea where Leo is leading her though she's lived in the forest her whole life. The Barbarian should be known to her, so logically she shouldíve known where the lizard was leading her. Also, she when she finally notices the lake it takes her a whole conversation to notice the supposed smell of rotting fish, the piles of bones, etc?

It's like the world doesn't exist when she's thinking - that's a serious liability.


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Re: April 4th - MannyBrainpan - Untitled Fantasy Serial (Part 6)
« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2011, 02:00:34 AM »
I don't know why I wrote the first paragraph like that...I'll work on it. The leather ladder was a detail I never got to, but I'll add in now. I apologize.
Vara is naive, not stupid. Something that I am working on getting across and might take some revision. I'm glad that you perceived that. That tells me that I need to work on naive, and make it more defined from stupid.
The Barbarian was one of the details I lost, like the leather ladder. Something that I will add back in.
To me, people do lose some self-awareness when they are thinking, maybe that's just me, but that is something I will work on. And the only reason I had her not pay attention was to give a little action in this bit. The format is killing me, but that is how I told my friends I was gonna write it. Thanks very much for the comments though.
"It's a liger... it's pretty much my favorite animal." - Napoleon Dynamite