Author Topic: 3/7 - jpayne1138 - the witch's child  (Read 1171 times)

Juan Dolor

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3/7 - jpayne1138 - the witch's child
« on: March 09, 2011, 01:24:19 AM »
Okay, this is another short story, completely unrelated to the first.  It's unfinished, because I'm not sure how to end it.  I'm hoping you all can provide some ideas. 

If you've already read it, here are some of my ideas for how to finish it off...

1. Seeget, Sakeda, and Timberlen take the baby back into the woods. They leave it near the place the children found it, Seeget casts a spell to hide their sight and scent, they wait for the mother to show up and reclaim her child.

2. They give the goblin back to the tribe, but the goblins kill the child because it has been contaminated by the touch of humans.

3. Timberlen tries to raise the goblin child herself, but Bertram kills it.

4. Seeget tells Timberlen she will take care of the goblin child, but Timberlen observes her killing it.

5. Fire from heaven consumes all the people in the story.  And the author.

Iím not in love with any of these ideas, and in the years since I first started toying with this story I havenít come up with an ending that I really like.  So please let me know if you get any good ideas.

Thanks!

JD

MannyBrainpan

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Re: 3/7 - jpayne1138 - the witch's child
« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2011, 02:45:55 AM »
I just read your story, and I really like it! There are a few awkward sentences but definitely not as many as I am used to seeing. Also, I think you misuse the word "to" for "too." But this is all minor. I'm assuming you're wanting our opinion on how to finish this story up. Before I tell you my opinion, I am picking up on your story in a sorta Brothers' Grimm mood and feel. And judging by your endings listed below, you want to end with a Brothers' Grimm sorta ending- death. I think that maybe instead of killing the baby (or everyone else), you should consider a big plot twist. You mention Timberlan (by the way, GREAT job on the names) has an aunt who is a "witch." What if you can pick up on that plot line? What if Timberlan's witch-aunt is dead and the baby was hers and Timberlan wants to let it be part of the family, but is shunned...hence her joining the "witch-hood." Because it seems that your version of witches are just sorta smart women who people shun.Or maybe the old lady does kill the baby, because it turns out (Timberlan somehow finds out) that the goblins of the forest are breeding, and it will only be a matter of time before they take over. I am just throwing around ideas for you, take 'em or leave 'em. If this isn't what you had in mind, I can help you, just let me know the sorta direction you wanna go. If you want me to send you a version with the grammar errors in red, I can, just let me know.
-Manny (http://www.brainpan.webs.com)
"It's a liger... it's pretty much my favorite animal." - Napoleon Dynamite

Juan Dolor

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Re: 3/7 - jpayne1138 - the witch's child
« Reply #2 on: March 10, 2011, 03:39:54 PM »
Thanks, Manny.  I appreciate the feedback and I'd love to see any mistakes you found. 

RiaRaen

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Re: 3/7 - jpayne1138 - the witch's child
« Reply #3 on: March 10, 2011, 06:25:20 PM »
Okies I enjoyed this story, some parts I found lagged slightly but it always picked back up again. There were a few things that niggled me;

How is it that Timberlen has been in the woods more often and futher than the others when she is a good girl and it is frowned upon to go into the woods . This confused me slightly

I found the name stuart didnt really fit with the peice

'She made a noise like a shriek coming in backwards,' this description really tickled me and quite frankly I love it.
I especially enjoyed the 'I'll tell you when your older part' it was witty and light hearted in all the right ways

I also thought your description of seeget was very good but I there didnt seem to be any for tamberlen who as the main protag was just a blank image in my mind.

As for the ending I think it definately has to involve the terrible and gruesome death of Bertram. Perhaps you could go with option 3 but instead of Bertram killing the goblin child it kills him!

MannyBrainpan

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Re: 3/7 - jpayne1138 - the witch's child
« Reply #4 on: March 10, 2011, 08:49:13 PM »
I'll send the file back. And the advice posted above is definitely good. That's a good idea actually. The baby killing Bertram! Love it!
-Manny (http://www.brainpan.webs.com)
"It's a liger... it's pretty much my favorite animal." - Napoleon Dynamite

Juan Dolor

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Re: 3/7 - jpayne1138 - the witch's child
« Reply #5 on: March 10, 2011, 09:14:14 PM »
Thanks, RR.    The bit about her not being a bad girl was a way of showing that she is an unreliable narrator.  But maybe that would work better in first person than in third.

MannyBrainpan

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Re: 3/7 - jpayne1138 - the witch's child
« Reply #6 on: March 11, 2011, 11:20:26 PM »
I would keep it in the third person narrative. I knew Timberlan was the main character, that it was through her point of view, but she was surrounded by four other kids. And yeah, I just thought you said that she had been in the forest just showed that although she was the most mature, she had done stupid stuff.
"It's a liger... it's pretty much my favorite animal." - Napoleon Dynamite

MannyBrainpan

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Re: 3/7 - jpayne1138 - the witch's child
« Reply #7 on: March 12, 2011, 07:08:02 AM »
I replied your email with the edited version. The edits are minor, but they're there.
"It's a liger... it's pretty much my favorite animal." - Napoleon Dynamite

akoebel

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Re: 3/7 - jpayne1138 - the witch's child
« Reply #8 on: March 12, 2011, 02:29:26 PM »
Hi,

Damn, this was frustrating not getting an ending when I was really liking the story.

The idea of the baby killing Bertram might be nice on paper, but let's face it, Bertram is only a mean boy. I know that you've built him up so that we don't like him, but killing him off seems a bit extreme (unless he's a teenage-Voldemort :-) )

My idea here would be something like "the baby goblin chooses his witch". You've stated that goblins are witches babies. I'll take that in a slightly broader sense and say that witches do raise goblins. A newborn goblin is born alone in the wood, until a soon-to-become-witch comes along and picks him up. After that, she raises the goblin and becomes a full fledged witch.

Anyway, nice work on the beginning.

Juan Dolor

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Re: 3/7 - jpayne1138 - the witch's child
« Reply #9 on: March 12, 2011, 03:49:13 PM »
Thanks, Manny.

Thanks for the feedback, Akoebel.  Sorry to tease you with something unfinished.  Interesting idea for an ending, too.  It certainly fits the themes of the story so far.