Author Topic: ReadingExcuses-0131-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH7-VLS  (Read 2017 times)

fireflyz

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ReadingExcuses-0131-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH7-VLS
« on: January 31, 2011, 02:34:04 AM »
Previous Summaries:

Prologue:  In Media Res
  The prologue introduces us to Mathieu Bragadin, the protagonist.  As the title suggests, the reader is thrown into the midst of the conflict.


CH1:  What Does a Man Do?
  Mathieu is finally returning home with the army.  His entire life has been spent serving in the armies of the Doge.  The Doge's daughter (Doga) has recently made peace and is calling the army home to be mustered out.  As his comrades celebrate, Mathieu finds himself questioning his future in this new era of peace.


CH2:  Two Mistresses. 

Mathieu reacquaints himself with Servenza.  He seeks out his best friend, a prostitute named Cassandra. 


CH3:  The Flower of Battle

Despite misgivings, Mathieu begins his new life as a civilian, training young nobles in the art of dueling.


CH4:  The Making of an Enemy

Mathieu begins his work as a garzon of the rapier, but soon faces complications.


CH5:  A Color of Many Shades

Mathieu tells Cassandra of Carrera.  Cass urges him to be careful, but Mathieu can't get the past out of his mind.


CH6:  To Wear a Mask

Mathieu and Eduardo head out for a night of celebration. 



Current Summary:




CH7:A Matter of Satisfaction

Mathieu recieves word of his investment and lets his emotions get the better of him...to what cost?
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akoebel

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Re: ReadingExcuses-0131-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH7-VLS
« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2011, 11:10:57 PM »
I love "In late, out early" : that last sentence is so much more powerful like that.

The trouble is that I don't have a next chapter to read right now! What does he say???

Nice piece, as always. I have a few comments though:

* "I get paid either way" : that one felt out of place here. I don't know if it's just because of the positioning or if I don't feel like that character would think that, but it felt wrong somehow. Sorry I can't be more specific.

* "and tanned skin brightened in a smile" : this felt clumsy and strange, since skin can obviously not change its color with someone's moods (unless it's part of the magic system. If so, you need to explain more).

* "make the stars look like glowing spheres" : the astronomer jumped on his chair here. A galilean telescope would bring out a magnification of 30 at best. At that magnification, stars should still be pinpoints.

* "Si, I am feeling sorry for myself..." : Mathieu's reaction in this whole passage seems strange. Despair, then dismissal, then anger. It feels like he doesn't know which emotion to choose, which makes the reader jump from one emotion to the next.

* "Si, I would love nothing more than to bash ..." : that sentence doesn't seem to follow what came before. Mathieu was addressing Sasha, not Mena, so why did she say that?

* "Her father pays more for her..." : I never took Mathieu to be of the jaleous type before, so this feels a little out of place.


Nothing terribly wrong here, as you can see : some parts would benefit from a little bit of clarification, but it's otherwise pretty good.

 I hope he says the right thing, I'm in a mood for a nice duel scene!

hubay

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Re: ReadingExcuses-0131-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH7-VLS
« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2011, 06:08:25 AM »
I think you should tweak his musing on money and cassandra. Saying "...waste money like that.  She wasn’t a waste, but..." considering how close they are, I think it would make more sense to have him instantly correct himself, to have a little bit of reaction that he had thought of her that way.

Paragraph 9: saying "that should drive the chill from my bones" doesn't fit with how I understood the Cold Ones – or is it only heat they ignore? Also, on the line above saying "warriors" doesn't seem elegant. I've always understood 'warrior' to have a slightly wild sort of connotation, whereas fencing has always been an aristocrat's game. I'm not sure what a good substitute would be, though.

"burning masses like a lamp magnified a million times over" seems like an anachronism – not only is it a little clumsy, but i doubt people in this era bother using million for hyperbole. a thousand still probably seems large enough.

using the periods in "what. did. you. say." bothers me, but I'm not sure if it's actually a problem. It makes me think of text or internet conventions, so it looses a lot of punch right of the bat. I think the same could be accomplished by just putting it all in italics.

overall, I thought the chapter started off a tiny bit slow, but as soon as Carrera showed up it went by very quickly. I'm interested to see how the duel, and I hope shows a little more about what it means to be a Cold One. The only real issue I see with your story is context – it's been very personal so far, which I enjoy, but the prologue made it seem like there would be wider political actions going on in the background. I expected to have Matthieu or Eduardo gossip more about the movers and shakers by now.



fireflyz

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Re: ReadingExcuses-0131-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH7-VLS
« Reply #3 on: February 05, 2011, 02:16:47 AM »
Thanks for the feedback! 

A quick note on Cold Ones.  Their temperature is significantly lower than normal humans.  This means they won't sweat as easily, but it also means they feel the cold more than others.  I get where you're coming from hubay.  The drawback to a reading group is that you only get a chapter a week.  There are over 40 chapters in the novel and the first dozen are pretty short.  I think that having to wait several weeks to get there is likely exacerbating the problem.  Rest assured, we're on the cusp. 

I hope you all enjoy the next few chapters.
Follow my journey from aspiring author to published phenom.  Along the way we'll discover the dos and don'ts of successful writing!

http://twitter.com/ryanvanloan