December 13, LTU, The Canticle and the Forge (third draft), Chapter 3

[LongTimeUnderdog]

Okay, so apparently it was farther along then I thought it was. At any rate, here is chapter 3.

In case you're wondering about the name change from Caramoth to Karemoth, my wife suggested it. What do you think?

Chapter 1: Karemoth is the best devil hunter in the Hellfane desert. During a dando hunt, he and the hunter caste of the Ziphoa tribe suffer unforseen complications. A strange little girl appears at the battle with the Devil there and Karemoth is forced to cut off his foot during the rescue.

Chapter 2: Karemoth wakes up after falling unconsious. He discovers his family, Teravan, High Chief, and Hammond have helped him recover but had to remove more of his leg then he did, because of an infection. Karemoth comes under risk of having to "return," the act of suiciding to help the tribe because a person is no longer capable of bringing in food. He decides to fight against the returning and wants to prove he can still hunt devils.

Chapter 3: In which Karemoth finds he has less time then he things, and much more difficulty accomplishing his goals.

edit:  Posted here as it was sitting on the other, temp forum.  Since I don't think anyone would really want to spend time there when we have this awesome place to hang out.

[LongTimeUnderdog]

From Stormblessed on the temporary forums:

Okay, after having a better read, I just want to point out a few things I had problems with. Firstly, I wanted a little more description of the huuk's and rotations. How long is each, what order do the come in, what part of the day do they represent, etc.

Secondly, when he is wondering how long his one leg can support his weight, i think the line "to the high chief's tent' can be shown rather than just told.

Lastly, I had problems understanding the imagery of the 'red beast'. If you could give a clearing description, it would help.

However, as a whole the chapter is interesting, though it is only a bridge between one plot point and another.

Note:  I moved it because I have a big ego and I like to think someone loves me.  Seriously though, I'm bringing it here because it was on the temp forum and I don't think anyone else checks its.  This way we all post in the same place.

[RavenstarRHJF]

For some reason, LTU, it's hard for me to put into words what I think while reading your submissions.  I think I need to just start taking notes as I read yours or something...

Anyway, these three chapters are far more readable in terms of 'what the heck is going on here?' than your previous drafts.  Probably because you've only given us one viewpoint so far.

I'm not a fan of the different spelling- I prefer Caramoth, but that may just be because it's what you introduced him as in the first chapter.  It may be because of what I believe is an over-abundance of 'K' used instead of 'C' in names for reasons of 'being different'.  If you do decide to change it, that's your decision- just putting in my two cents.

Overwhelmingly, I get the impression from Caramoth/Karemoth that he's resentful.  Which is strange, because I go back and read the chapters again, and there's really very little that points to that emotion, and yet at the end of it, that's still the impression I have.  It's not a 'poor me' attitude, it's more of a 'well, somebody's got to do it, it might as well be me- but I don't have to be happy about it.' 

So far your other characters are more two-dimensional than three- which is fine, because they're side characters.  Just something to be aware of.

I'm confused as to what kind of 'smithing' is involved here.  You should probably go into that more at some point because 'smithing' still conjures up images of forges and hot metal for me, whereas I gather you have something entirely different in mind.

Overall I see great potential for your current draft- the first time you submitted, it was very much a case of world-building and backstory getting in the way of the tale you wanted to tell.  This time around, you seem to be more organized and what you write is very purposeful.

[Asmodemon]

What I got most from this chapter is just how frustrated, and embittered, Karemoth is. He has a rather hopeless outlook on what remains of his life and you're doing a great job portraying that. I'm not sure I want to read much more of it, but this chapter was a strong read because of it.

What lessened the chapter a bit was, like in the previous one, the existence of a lot of spelling and grammatical errors. Instead of just pointing them out I fixed them in the document and sent it to you – you might find it useful.

One thing I couldn't figure out was on page seven, when you say “ Like whatever chacher the foot and leg held were still there”

I didn't know what this meant until it became clear to me in chapter four that chacher is the equivalent of a soul.

Throughout the chapter and Karemoth's ordeal I keep thinking about the tribe's culture. The setting of the Fane and the focus on hunters providing food tells me it's a hunter-gatherer type of society. One of the key aspects of this lifestyle is the need to travel a lot in search of food. Here the food is devils and finding them pretty much requires an experienced hunter.

The need to travel a lot means the settlements will be portable. And because everyone is needed for gathering food there will be little or no chance of artisan specialists. You've noted there are several smiths in the tribe. I wonder if the term 'smith' can't be replaced by something more close to the actual work they do with bones and hides. Part of it is leather-working, which is a sufficiently different discipline from making tools from bones and stones, that it feels to me it's better off split.

Since it's a hunter-gatherer style civilisation with a focus on hunting – everyone needs to hunt – I'm wondering why every hunter isn't supposed to make his own weapons rather than have a few do it for them. The way I read it the status of someone lies in hunting, so the people who are 'smiths' have nothing to gain from doing additional work. 

[LongTimeUnderdog]

Thank you all so much for your input.  I really appreciate it all.

Chacher equating to Soul was set up in the first chapter, actually.

Actually, it's a warrior raiding society.  Which means they go where the food is, and come back after taking it from people.  I just failed epically at establishing that.

Karemoth/Caramoth's resentment is established right away in chapter 1 and reinforced in chapter 2.  He mentioned how he has young men working under him and older men working under him.  He mentions how both groups are trying to impress the ladies so they'll either get married, or their current wives will favor them.  I then went on to discuss in chapter 2 how Karemoth believes Teravan, the younger first husband of the three brother husbands, is overly favored by High Chief (their wife).  Especially because Teravan doesn't really seem to do anything.  I could go into the anthropology of it all, but I'm pretty sure it would bore everyone to death.

This is one of those dances between too much showing and the right amount of telling I have come to notice I fail at.  A lot.

Thanks again guys and girls for helping me out.  Very appreciated.