Stopping at a Green Light - 01/03/11 - scenetk421

[sceneTK421]

Hello everyone, this is my first short story on here.

Thanks for reading it.

 

[akoebel]

First off, I'll say that I'm not a reader of short fiction, so I don't know exactly how things ought to be done in that field.

POV

I have a strong bias against omniscient that I often find confusing for the reader. In this piece, you present an omniscient POV where essentially there is a jump of focus each time there is a dialog (example, camera is on character A. Dialog happens between character A and character B, camera is on character B, ...). I found that pattern to be disturbing in a sense that it did not allow me to know which character this story was about (up until the very end of the
story). I think that the use of a single POV character would have been much better, allowing me to care for the characters.

Story

In this piece, I didn't have much in the way of motivation for the characters : I didn't understand why the character  suddenly decided to tear his wall down for instance.  I would have liked more insight into the characters
Also, the end felt rushed (we don't even get to see the death of the character), and is a case of "Deus in machina" in action. It would have been better to have some foreshadowing that things would get very bad for the little girl in the case she went out : it would have brought both tension in the middle of the story, and a more satisfying resolution (instead of having to be told that all was well in the end because ...)

Writing

At times, there is way too much detail (the "bottom thumb knuckles" for instance, where just "knuckles" would have been enough), and in a way, some parts felt like a commercial (I don't need to know the make and model of the motorcycle). Also, telling me the number of the bus line not once, but twice was at least one time too much, and citing the issue of the comics books shouldn't happen every time you speak about the book. Try to revise to eliminate those unnecessary words.

Conclusion

Make it clear from the beginning which character this story is about, introduce tension through foreshadowing, show us more motivation in the characters, and revise the language to be tighter and you should have a much stronger story.

Anyway, nice try for a first time, keep practising!

[sceneTK421]

Thanks akoebel, for reading my story and for your critique of it. Your time and thoughts are much appreciated. I will take everything you say into consideration when I rewrite it again.

Anyway, nice try for a first time, keep practising!

Although I do need to say it is not my first time writing a short story, hahaha, but thanks.

[Renoard]

Sean,

One note. It is a bit easier on me if you can manage MS Office Document format or RTF. PDF doesn't allow me to do inline edits and comments so you stand the risk of my losing the reference for comments that I make. I'm not sure what Silk and Chaos would say about ODT but I know they have no problem with plain text, DOC or RTF. Something to consider.

The story is nice, but not compelling. The statistics are, I supposed, to convey the idea that something weird happened, but the ghostly quality isn't in the telling. It's more important to show how eeire it is than just tell us with math, something that makes a lot of readers' eyes glaze over.

Secondly the climax lacks compulsion and drama. The narrative and the images should grab the reader and not let him --as I did-- get bored and start wanting to skim rather than read just about the time he heads out the door for an old fashioned toxic root beer.

Also the short Jewish narrator with the Brooklyn accent (Rod Serling) does nothing to promote the story. It never really feels like twilight zone, because finding the comic book just doesn't seem magical and mysterious enough. Also the plasmosis from black mold is pretty obvious. Way, way over telegraphed.

I'd suggest reworking it and either trying to turn it into more of a moving love for the child, combined with intentional self sacrifice --something that would make it more of a Harper's type story-- or lay on the fantasy elements. Plasmoid delusions about yetis and Sasquatch do not make for Speculative Fiction per se. Trying to straddle the fence hasn't resulted in slip-stream as much as make it harder to do either genre in a strong way.

The oddities of expression seemed odd to me, but I overlooked them as they suggested an obsessive character, or a non native speaker as writing. In general you have a good hand, and I look forward to more submissions from you.

[fireflyz]

It took me a little while to figure out the omniscient pov.  I'm not a huge fan of that pov, although it does allow the author to be snarky and get away with it.  To that end, you employed it quite well.  Your writing isn't bad at all.  The content of the story was a little weak, in my opinion.  I'm not much of a comicbook fan, so I don't know if you're being accurate in your descriptions or just making it up.  Either way, I think you went a little overboard.  Especially in the first five pages there are alot of names thrown around.  It was a pretty steep learning curve for sixteen pages.  Also, towards the end the writing turned very passive and slowed it down considerably.

The other responses echo my concerns with the piece, but I want to again say that your writing shows a lot of promise and I liked the tone.  So well done on that.

[sceneTK421]

Thanks guys, for taking the time to read and critique my story. I thought everyone could do notes and highlights on pdf, sorry Renoard.

I will keep your comments close at hand when re-writing this piece. I have an urge to explain things in the story or intentions etc. because of some of the reaction to it, but I don't want to defend the thing and if it isn't clear within the writing, well that means I should probably take another look at it.

I wanted to ask though, Renoard, about a couple comments you had, because i didn't quite understand them.

Also the short Jewish narrator with the Brooklyn accent (Rod Serling) does nothing to promote the story.

Are you talking about Edvard or the omniscient POV? If you meant the third omni, are you just using a parallel to the Twilight Zone or you thought the narrator actually was short and Jewish and from Brooklyn?

The oddities of expression seemed odd to me, but I overlooked them as they suggested an obsessive character, or a non native speaker as writing.

Not sure what exactly you were referring to there. Which oddities? Which character is it? They came off as "a non native speaker as writing"?
 

Oh and fireflyz, I was curious what you meant here:

I'm not much of a comicbook fan, so I don't know if you're being accurate in your descriptions or just making it up.  Either way, I think you went a little overboard.  Especially in the first five pages there are alot of names thrown around.

Were you talking about the descriptions of the comic book that I went overboard on or with the names of the kids and the history of the comic and cards?

And one more fireflyz,

Also, towards the end the writing turned very passive and slowed it down considerably.

Do you mean the sentence structuring or the story structure?



Thanks again guys.  I appreciate all the time you have given.

[Renoard]

I wanted to ask though, Renoard, about a couple comments you had, because i didn't quite understand them.

Also the short Jewish narrator with the Brooklyn accent (Rod Serling) does nothing to promote the story.

Are you talking about Edvard or the omniscient POV? If you meant the third omni, are you just using a parallel to the Twilight Zone or you thought the narrator actually was short and Jewish and from Brooklyn?

I mean the POV, and no I was being wry and using a parallel as you say. But I also meant that the dry pulp-fiction narrative sort of clashes with the sentimentality of the piece.

The oddities of expression seemed odd to me, but I overlooked them as they suggested an obsessive character, or a non native speaker as writing.

Not sure what exactly you were referring to there. Which oddities? Which character is it? They came off as "a non native speaker as writing"?
 

I was just echoing akoebel's comments in the section titled "writing". However, I took them as either characterization of the narrator's personality. It also occurred to me that the writer's own dialect could be affecting the odd phrasing.

[sceneTK421]

But I also meant that the dry pulp-fiction narrative sort of clashes with the sentimentality of the piece.

Which parts did you find excessively or affectedly sentimental?

[fireflyz]

With the comics I meant that you went into a lot of detail about the different names/types and everything.  Which is good if your audience is interested in comics, but if they're not then it's a little much in a short story.  Also the passive voice was sentence structure.

[sceneTK421]

Thanks for clarifying 

[Renoard]

Actually I didn't find any part affectedly sentimental. The piece as a whole is sentimental because of the relationship between this lonely demented man and his kind neighbors, also because of the theme of self sacrifice.

I found the narration affectedly reminiscent of 60's pulp fiction. That clashed with the genuine if somewhat cliche'd emotions of the piece.

[sceneTK421]

I just ask what parts of it were excessively or affectedly sentimental because I had a teacher who would say, "Sentimentality, sentimentality, excessively or affectedly sentimental in my sentimentality." The play on the definition has stuck with me ever since.

Actually I didn't find any part affectedly sentimental. The piece as a whole is sentimental because of the relationship between this lonely demented man and his kind neighbors, also because of the theme of self sacrifice.

That is a very interesting perspective. I don't want to flog a dead ox here, but I would love to know what about the relationships make the whole thing sentimental for you. I could see that the comic books and such could be arguably sentimental (the nostalgia), but the other is very interesting to me. Help me understand this.

That clashed with the genuine if somewhat cliche'd emotions of the piece.

What are “cliche'd emotions”? Can you give me examples?

I am trying to get into the nooks and crannies and find out exactly where you're coming from and what exactly you mean, otherwise your critique could mean something completely unintended, ya know? Getting your insight will be a help to me and I appreciate it. Again thank you.

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to comment.

[Renoard]

At the risk of being pedantic, let me define sentiment.

1) an attitude toward something; regard; opinion. 2) a mental feeling; emotion: a sentiment of pity. 3) refined or tender emotion; manifestation of the higher or more refined feelings. 4) exhibition or manifestation of feeling or sensibility, or appeal to the tender emotions, in literature, art, or music. 5) a thought influenced by or proceeding from feeling or emotion. 6) the thought or feeling intended to be conveyed by words, acts, or gestures as distinguished from the words, acts, or gestures themselves.

The piece as a whole is sentimental because of the relationship between this lonely demented man and his kind neighbors, also because of the theme of self sacrifice.

The Sentimentality of the piece is woven throughout. Edvard's every interaction with the little girl and her mother is sentimental. His thought's about them as he plans his excavation are sentimental. The theme of self-sacrifice that threads through the piece is sentimental. I'm not sure if anything except the statistics, is unsentimental. Even his attachment to comic books is sentimental in a geekish sort of way.

That clashed with the genuine if somewhat cliche'd emotions of the piece.

Why does the affected tone of a hard-boiled narrator clash with the sentimentality of the piece? Because the sentiment is ingenuous (not ingenious) and open-hearted, even naive. While the narrator tries to be calculated and even a touch cynical. It clashes because the narrator doesn't sound like he is reading the same story we are, and what he is picking up he doesn't quite understand.

How is the emotion of the piece cliched? It is boiler-plate chick-lit fiction. The stereotypes are so thick you have to walk carefully to avoid cutting yourself on them. We have the Martyred Messiah, Self Discovery Through Battling the Figments of One's Imagination (Quixote), The Eternal Apprentice (in the little girl), and the May December Romance in a very chaste version. Also the more modern archetype of the "Concerned but Ultimately Ineffectual Neighbor".