There seems to be a great deal of funky past perfect (okay I'm terrible at grammar, but still) and the like. He had been, They would have thought, that kind of thing. A perfect example is right here:
Jhuz was waiting to be called to a council of war. Instead of the normal officers’ tent, which had been burned by the Chell, it would have to be held in the open air. Normally this would have been cause for the more petty officers to complain, but tonight no one spoke. The entire camp was subdued.
All those extra little verbs like would, was, have, and had are fine by themselves but all those extra little words are annoying and just sort of slow everything. A better way to write this paragraph (not at all to dictate your writting, but to share example) might be:
Jhuz waited by his fire for the war council call. With the damage to the officer's tent it would be held in the open air. While this normally would merrit complaints by the less disciplined officers, or the more garish of them, the recent battle left the camp subdued and quiet. It was a welcome change.
That's just an example and while I wouldn't call it a pefect paragraph, I think it makes its point.
The piece still sufferes a bit from telling instead of showing. For example, even in the above paragraph, you call the camp quiet and subdued. In this case I think it can slide a little because its mroe scene setting before the real meat of the piece comes into effect but I think there is a lot of room to improve on it still. Less direct exposition about things and more demonstration of them. Also, the phrase "petty officers," seems in this case to mean the petty as in too concerned with small comforts. Petty officers is an actual phrase that means . . . well petty officers, a group of ranked individuals. "The Petty Officers are in the mess hall."
Another thing about officer to commander, at least in a real military, is that they are all perfectly civil with each other. As a superior, Jhuz would normally have the authority to have Terze flogged and stripped of rank for the way he treats Jhuz. In all militaries (okay, in all strong militaries) when the commander says jump you jump and wait for him to tell you went to come back down. So them, while that little exchange gives us some good insight into Jhuz and Terze, it lacks a certain credibility and authenticness. Maybe that's what you're trying to show, in which case you've succeeded marvelously. But that still doesn't change that I feel, while reading this, that these aren't real members of a military at all.
Not deilvering information like that about the War Council would be grounds for a court martial if Jhuz was less apathetic. Also the phrase "Didn't get it," strikes me as too modern. But that's probably just me. I, ironicly, don't have the same issue with the cursing.
Like before, your writting improves a great deal and the story moves well enough once the scene and such is set up and we're actually engaged into the meat of what's going on. Right up into the end where Ezlio manhandles Jhuz. Bodyguard, while an imporant job, is not an officer and if I remember right, Jhuz is still the superior of the two. Behavior as Ezlio displayed is serious grounds for expulsion and disciplinary action. Striking a superior is one of the worse "simple," crimes someone can commit in most militaries. Those kinds of rules keep the lower ranks in check, as there tends to be many more of them then higher ranks.
