October 18 - Stormblessed - Perfection Ch1 + 2

[Stormblessed]

So here is my first submission for Perfection, a fantasy murder mystery. Just warning that there is sexual references and violence. Also Perfection is only a working title, and named after the fact that the murderer was a perfectionist in the original story which predated this version. I have included two chapters this time as the first one is really short.

Anyway enjoy!

Ch 1: We meet the first protagonist, an assassin Jason on his first contract kill.

Ch 2: We meet the second protagonist, Chief Inspector Daniels, as he discovers the crime scene left behind by Jason. We also return to Jason's PoV, as he thanks the Goddess for his fortunate life.

[Dark_Prophecy]

All right, here we go. I'll try to separate the critique into sections. Hopefully that helps.

SUMMARY

Jason, a very dedicated (zealous) worshipper of the Goddess, and assassin who likes his job just a little too much, murders a man and a woman during the Festival. Chief Inspector Daniels is assigned the case, and catches a small break when a woman across the hall tells him the couple went to a restaurant in their fancy clothes. Two days after the murder, we see Jason worship the goddess and prepare for his assassin training.

CHARACTER

I really enjoy Chief Inspector Daniels much more than Jason. But I would assume I'm supposed to, at least at this point. There's something about Jason that screamed serial killer in the first chapter of the book, but then it comes out later that he's actually a hired killer. What I'm taking from that is that he's one of those assassins that enjoys his work a little too much. Assassin/religious zealot would probably do that. I'm interested to see what his rationalization for killing people despite the First Law is.

As far as character dialogue, I enjoyed parts of it quite a bit. However, the scene with Daniels and the Forensic team felt a little...well, I guess stilted works here. I felt like the sentences should be a bit shorter, with more contractions. If they've done this sort of thing before (inspected a murder scene), they'll likely be quick with their sentences.

EX: “Nothing,” came the muffled voice of one man after a few minutes. “It has been picked clean. There is evidence of some essence on the body, but it has been damaged by some corrosive.”
“All of it?” Daniels asked. “Surely there is some residue?”

The way I'd imagine it: "“Nothing,” came the muffled voice of one man after a few minutes. “Picked clean. There's evidence of some essence on the body, but it's been damaged by some corrosive.”
“All of it?” Daniels asked. “Surely there's something?”

Now, if the Forensic team speaks like that because of culture or whatever, that's fine, but Daniels seems to speak with shorter sentences with contractions in his head (or at least the narrator does) so I felt like his dialogue should be that way, too.

Now, on the positive side, I really LIKE the different feel between the two characters. Jason is all business, while the inspector takes the time to complain about the photographer, comment on the intelligence of his underlings, etc. It's almost like two separate books.

SETTING

The potential downside of a story feeling like two different books is that it's a little jarring the first time we move to the inspector. I had this stereotypical fantasy setting in my head, and when we suddenly had cops on the scene, it all went to hell. This could easily be fixed in the first chapter by including some further description of the setting that helps the reader see that this isn't your typical MEWM (Medieval Europe With Magic) setting so it's not so jarring for them.

Also (and I NEVER would have said this a year ago) I want to see more description of the world around the characters, particularly Jason. What's in his room? Is it incredibly spartan like I imagine it (bed, wash stand, stuff to worship the goddess and that's it?) or are there swords and knives and a Bowflex and season two of Big Bang Theory and a half eaten bowl of Cocopuffs?

Critiquer's note: It would probably be in your best interest to NOT include any of the items listed after "swords and knives"

PLOT

Your plot is great. Everything seems pretty logical. It all fits together well. I get the feeling that you know where you're going with this story, and I'm happy to be along for the ride. 

So yeah, there's my two cents. Nice work on the plot, give me some more description (which will also help the reader get a better idea of who your characters really are) and maybe tighten up the dialogue with a few contractions and incomplete sentences (ghasp, I know, but it's how we talk). Really great job, and I look forward to reading more!

[Stormblessed]

Thx for the feedback. I will try give some explanation of what I wanted without giving any spoilers.

Jason waking up was suppose to be the next day after the murder. It happens approximately the same time as Daniels' study of the crime scene (actually, it is likely to happen before that scene, but plot wise it works better to be after this chapter).

The dialogue definitely needs work. I wasn't happy with it, but I didn't know how too fix it. But now though, I think I know what to do.

I am happy that the characters are different. I was worried that the reader wouldn't be able to distinguish the voices.

I didn't want to make this a traditional fantasy book. I give it a more 19th century london setting. However, magic is needed to fill some gaps between the technology level, and the high level of forensic science. I also wanted to create my own culture and religion, and fantasy allowed me to do that. However, I think your comment is a valid one. I will try to make some more reference to the fantasy world I have created in the first chapter.

Hopefully, my next few chapters keep you entertained. 

EDIT: Daniels wasn't just assigned the case, he has a reason for paying special attention to this case. The reason is simple enough, and will be revealed in the next chapter. 

[fireflyz]

I liked the opening scene.  The threesome thing kind of threw me as that's not really my thing.  I don't think that's bad though.  It means you did it well.  Your sentences are too long.  Short, tight, concise sentences help drive a scene forward.  I feel like this scene should have been hot, breathy, blink and you'd miss it, but the long sentences slow it down considerably.  Replace commas with periods, take out added bits, pare it down, and it will be all of what it should be.

I like Constable Bill's character.  It was just a very good, unexpected quirk, even if his name is rather too simple for my taste.  Daniels is intriguing as well.  He's coming off as a bit stereotypical as far as detectives go, but its the first chapter.  As long as he breaks away from that cliche then no worries.

I wasn't expecting to be pulled into this as I stopped reading mysteries a long time ago.  There are just too many retelling the same plot threads.  Regardless of that, this did pull me in, so good job.

Now, onto my issues.  There are numerous grammatical errors.  That's not huge, just needs to be revised.  You tend to change tense a lot, especially in the second chapter.  Switching from past to present and back again is jarring.  THat too can be fixed on revision, but try to stop yourself as you're writing. 

"Time was to be measured and divided and every minute was utilised."  This is an example.  Drop the was from "was utlized."

There are a few passive voice issues.  That's my biggest pet peeve.  I have the same issue (I think all writers do) and passive voice can be insidious, but it definitely needs to be fixed.

All of the above issues are small.  The largest one is your general lack of description.  Some things were described well such as the forensics team, but most of the characters were so glossed over to get to the dialogue that it felt like talking heads at points.  Description is tricky...too much and it bogs the story down, not enough and the reader can't immerse themself in the scene and is concious that they are reading, not being teleported to another world.

Having said that, I like the premise a lot, the execution needs some work, but not much, and I"m looking forward to the next chapter, so good job.

[Stormblessed]

Unfortunately, the changes in tense is a product of using the same passage for the different versions of the story. I merely copy and paste the section from an old version into this version, and add new things in, which means that tenses change, and unfortunately due to my shockingly bad grammatical skills, they usually don't get picked up. Thx for pointing it out to me though.