Author Topic: ReadingExcuses-1018-fireflyz-ToFulfillaPromiseCH3-VLS  (Read 1172 times)

fireflyz

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ReadingExcuses-1018-fireflyz-ToFulfillaPromiseCH3-VLS
« on: October 17, 2010, 06:38:46 PM »
Previous Summaries:

Prologue:  In Media Res
  The prologue introduces us to Mathieu Bragadin, the protagonist.  As the title suggests, the reader is thrown into the midst of the conflict.



CH1:  What Does a Man Do?
  Mathieu is finally returning home with the army.  His entire life has been spent serving in the armies of the Doge.  The Doge's daughter (Doga) has recently made peace and is calling the army home to be mustered out.  As his comrades celebrate, Mathieu finds himself questioning his future in this new era of peace.


CH2:  Two Mistresses. 

Mathieu reacquaints himself with Servenza.  He seeks out his best friend, a prostitute named Cassandra. 


Current Summary:

CH3:  In Memory of Adolescence (Aged 2 Years)

Mathieu's early life as a child living in a brothel.  He begins to discover what makes him so different from all the other children.  His mother adopts a girl named Elle whose own mother was beaten to death by one of the clients.  Mathieu's brief childhood comes to an end when disaster befalls his mother and Elle.
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Stormblessed

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Re: ReadingExcuses-1018-fireflyz-ToFulfillaPromiseCH3-VLS
« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2010, 08:40:34 AM »
I really liked this chapter! I can't wait to read the next chapter.

My only question is, who does this chapter fit into the overall plot of the book? Maybe I need to see the next chapter, but for me it was a big jump to go from modern day to a flashback without really knowing about the main plot yet.

However despite this I loved this chapter - my favourite so far - and I think it may work depending on your next chapter.
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Asmodemon

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Re: ReadingExcuses-1018-fireflyz-ToFulfillaPromiseCH3-VLS
« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2010, 09:54:34 PM »
Well, pardon me if I sound rough, but while the chapter was enjoyable I'm sorry to say it does not compare to the previous ones. The reason, for me, is that it's a flashback. And as I've said in my critique on chapter one I'm not really a fan of flashbacks. To me they're are most often used as a heavy-handed way of giving the reader information about a character.

Bam, these are the salient events that made the character who he is today. No mystery, instant understanding, and now that we understand we can move on to things we apparently need this understanding for. For my part I like it if I get to know the characters over time; this is too much too early. Do we need to know this? We already know he's a bastard, that he's the son of a whore (which means his life was not easy, which can be inferred without this chapter), that he feels responsible for the people he grew up with, and that Elle is important to him.

The only thing this chapter adds is how he got to know Elle, what their relationship was, and how she got to be sleeping like the dead. At this point of the story I don't need this information. I knew he cared for her, I knew she was somehow in a comatose state, and the mystery of what this meant was more interesting than knowing up front. This chapter also takes the pace down by focusing on the past and I think you're better off without it.

Another thing I found problematic is that Mathieu is very young in this chapter, but he doesn't read like a child his age should. I'm not really good with writing young children, like Mathieu here they often become mini-adults. The feelings, responses, speech patterns, they don't fit a four year old. It works better in the part where he's eight, but even there it's a bit off.

Maybe the reason for how he acts is that he matures faster as a cold one – we've seen this is so physically,so it's not much of a stretch to have mental maturity as well. Even so, when a child doesn't act like a child would it sticks out.