Author Topic: October 11th Eerongal Journeyman's Manifesto ch 2  (Read 1560 times)

Eerongal

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October 11th Eerongal Journeyman's Manifesto ch 2
« on: October 12, 2010, 03:06:16 AM »
In this chapter:

We meet two new people, in the midst of some sort of "sham" about to fail miserably, who are also apparently on Thu'dane's "hit list", and our old friend Jobber gets into a bit of a pickle.

(for tags, forgot in the email, sorry, but maybe a little [V]? but that'd be it, if we could even consider any part of it "violence" per say, probably more so "comic mischief" or something)
« Last Edit: October 12, 2010, 03:07:56 AM by Eerongal »
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Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing.
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fireflyz

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Re: October 11th Eerongal Journeyman's Manifesto ch 2
« Reply #1 on: October 13, 2010, 11:19:22 PM »
You should use doublespacing.  It's the correct format and it's much easier to read, especially with dialogue.  Singlespace is just annoying./end rant

Hubert's thoughts are awkward.  Clearly there's info in there you want to convey, but no one would think that way.  Subconciously you've put the narrator into his thoughts and it shows plainly.  You could limit his thoughts to a line or two of suggestive material that leaves the reader with an idea of what you want to tell us.  Or better yet you could use his actions along with spurts of thoughts to "show" us what you want us to know.

"The machinery that, currently, has his best friend strapped firmly into its mechanical grasp. He turned and stared, wide eyed and face pale, as the machine started to hum to life."

Change has his to had his.  Wide eyed and pale or he paled and stared wide eyed. 

Awesome ending to that scene.  Aside from the issues above, I quite liked it.  Your prose is much improved over the last chapter.  Congrats.

"This one did nothing, he knew, but it was all for the show of things."  -It's from his POV, we don't need he knew.  We know because he knows...ya know? ;)

"was hinged" is passive...lose the was and keep the rest.

The second part of the scene needs revision as some words are misspelled or over used (ex. realize).  Also, it's a little disjoineted...having said that...I liked it and its keeping up the semi comic undertone while serious matters are occurring.

The Jobber scene is interesting, but in desperate need of revision.  You have multiple tense changes, again overuse of similar words, and a bad habit of using two descriptors that mean the same thing for an action.  I like the thick accent of the thicker man.  Some might not like the accents, but I was able to read it and get a sense of his speech.

Good ending.  THis chapter, IMO is leaps and bounds above the previous one.  It still needs a lot of revision and I'm not sure how you're able to slip into present tense and Third Person Omniscient so easily, but outside of that it was well done.

Oh, and while I don't mind you might want to put an 'L' for use of the 'c' word.
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Derby

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Re: October 11th Eerongal Journeyman's Manifesto ch 2
« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2010, 12:10:07 AM »
Quote
You should use doublespacing.
Quote
Hubert's thoughts are awkward.

I agree with the above statements by fireflyz.

Quote
The machinery that, currently, has his best friend strapped firmly into its mechanical grasp

Rather than change has to had, it might be better to remove the word currently.† It does not seem to be needed.

Quote
if Barnabas hadnít know they were there

Change know to known.

Quote
Afterall, he was promised a

Probably just a typo but After all should be two words.

I think you overuse commas.† Two examples:

Quote
When you live on the streets, no one trusts a straight arrow.

Quote
Anytime Jobber had a meeting like this, he always planned one.

The commas in the above sentences are not needed and the lines read smoother without them.

I like the story lines.† Jobber's story is moving along well.† I am anxious to see what plans Thuídane and his mysterious boss have for Higgs and Zona.


Eerongal

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Re: October 11th Eerongal Journeyman's Manifesto ch 2
« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2010, 06:22:19 PM »
You should use doublespacing.† It's the correct format and it's much easier to read, especially with dialogue.† Singlespace is just annoying./end rant

Actually, it was 1.5, not single :P

I intended to make it double, but looking back at it, i must've clicked 1.5 by accident, and just saw the lines "shift" and didnt really think about the fact that its too small for double.

Also, in regards to my tense slipping, yeah, i do that a lot, and i'm not exactly sure how i do. It just kinda happens. And rereading it, i dont notice it readily while i'm still working on it. I have to step away from it and come back after like several days to be able to notice it.
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Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing.
-R. Howard

Pie is clearly the most trustworthy. Pie for president. - Me.